What is emotional detachment in a marriage? - Al-Anon Family Group

wifeofalcoholic · Senior Member

What is emotional detachment in a marriage?

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I was unable to lovingly detach while my husband was using...I surrendered to that truth and opted to tell him I could no longer live with his addictions and he had to move out. There was no reason for me to stay married and be detached. Others may have different experiences that may be more helpful, this is what was true for me.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Whats supposed to happen in a marriage cant really happen when alcohol is in the middle. What I thought was normal and supposed to happen wasnt and couldnt happen whether he was drunk or sober. Conversations, talking things over etc cant happen while hes drunk because, well, hes drunk, its mainly drivvle that comes out. When hes sober its shame, hung over, sickness. At what point, when does the normal marriage happen? It never did for me. Even when my ex got sober for about 6 years, he was still coming from an unreachable place, a closed mind. He was a dry drunk, still as sick. The marriage you talk of was the marriage I wanted but it was never going to be possible, ever. I learned he couldnt give what he never had to give. This was my experience. Detaching emotionally from sick people to me means not letting them dictate your moods and emotions. Owning your own head space, deciding how you want to feel regardless of his moods or his feelings. Being a seperate person.

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

HI wifeofanalcoholic, and I understand what you are asking. I posted something on this earlier today. Physical detachment is easy b/c you can easily remove yourself from your a's presence, but emotional detachment is different b/c it deals with feelings and emotions. Lately, I am feeling a distance from my ah. I feel more free and calm with this distance, but it scares me at the same time. I have to ask myself am I letting go of my husband completely? I don't think so. I think what I'm letting go of is the alcoholic. I know I can't save him. I feel like the anchor holding me to him is loosening. I'm learning what it means to let HIM own his disease, and this is what I am detaching myself from. To me, this is emotional detachment.

Thanks for your share.

It works if you work it.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

The Al-Anon pamphlet on detachment explains " detachment" as neither bad or good. Living with the disease of alcoholism we develop destructive coping traits because of the irrational fear and dread engendered by the disease. To cope with this fear and dread coupled with anger and resentment we try to force solutions by abandoning ourselves, focusing on the alcoholic, trying to change them so that we will feel better.

Detachment tells us that we are attached to the alcoholic and not to our own emotional needs and we cannot make ourselves feel better, or reverse irrational fear and dread by trying to force somebody to change.
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We need to 'detach our emotions: from the alcoholic's behavior and when we feel anger, resentment, self-pity, or irrational fear and dread we can stay inside our own selves and use Al-Anon tools to feel better.

We can use the serenity prayer, meetings, Al-Anon phone calls and slogans. Once we start taking care of own emotional needs -we feel better and are better able to respond in a compassionate ,empathetic way to the alcoholic.

Detachment is a true gift

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I think the thing is that the alcoholic is already detached from the intimacy of the marriage by the alcohol. Or maybe he's a distant person and using the alcohol to keep his distance. Either way, it precedes our detachment. The way I understand our detachment is that we detach our emotions from his state at that particular moment. We keep our basic serenity even if he's in a mess. Because if we peg our emotions to his state, our emotions will be up, down and sideways depending on where he is in his chaotic day. We lose our separateness as a human being.

So I see detachment as a different thing from missing the intimacy of a marriage. We're already missing that intimacy. Detachment means we don't let it make us utterly miserable. But it's fair to think that that's not what we hoped for from a marriage. Some people need to move on. Others decide it's better to stay. It will be different in every equation.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

All I can share is my experience.

For me I loved the A only. Cared so very much. I did as you, kept busy etc if he was being impossible to be around.

A marriage to an A is not like one married to a non A. It just won't be if they are active and not in recovery.

I never talked with him about any decisions or anything like you shared. All I did was glean the time I had with him. I was no longer affected by his being drunk. I never ever saw him drink. he was so ashamed he hid it.

We would sit in our double recliner and hold hands. Kissed hi and bye. Hugged. All I did was thank God that I had some more time with him in my life.

When he was in recovery, we had a nice marriage, we both loved it. We had tiffs like normal people, never fought. LIved well together, I went and worked with him, he was a remodel contractor. loved that. We worked on our place together.

But I lost him and he lost his recovery and his sanity after a brain surgery.

I am very independant as I was a widow who raised her kids, worked full time and went back to college. So I was able to just enjoy his presence. Until he got physically abusive I had to make him leave and he left.

I didn't need him as far as figuring things out. I wanted him. When he was in recovery I could depend on him, trust him. We made up rules as we went. Always call me if you will be later than six, always kiss before we went to work. just little things.

so this is how I did it. Yes there were lonely times, sad times of course. But I knew the disease was killing him, still is, and I wanted him as long as I could have him.

then I let go....

Lyne · ~*Service Worker*~

There is great wisdom shared by the others already on detachment. It just really hit me, the difference between physical and emotional detachment. The emotional detachment is happening with me in spurts, but I am making progress. I don't expect a healthy marriage with a drunk or dry drunk. Yet I am finding happiness and serenity while still living with my A. I think my expectations have changed i.e. I have almost none except for things that involve the running of the household. And for months I have been struggling with guilt, that I am not romantic, that I don' t discuss things with my A that I would have, that I no longer care that tomorrow I'm going to a family gathering and the A is busy doing something else. Actually it's fun now for me to go alone. I am getting the emotional detachment but it has taken over a year and alot of work. I think it goes hand in hand with breaking codependency. I'm finally getting it. Lyne

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