The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Or so it seems. Older sister has two children, son is 47, daughter is 44. My sister and her husband worked responsible jobs all their lives until retirement. They are now in their seventies and 'would' and 'should' have had a comfortable life. The daughter is married and living abroad with her husband and son and has done well in life economically. Not rich but comfortable.
Son has three children and left his wife about ten years ago because he wanted to follow his dream of making primitive furniture and seasonal decorations and landscape on the side. She wanted him to keep the job he had ( a good one) and help provide for their children as he had dabbled several years before and caused them to lose a lot of what they had. So he left in a huff and I suspect borrowed money from his parents to pay off huge debts he had incurred.
Ten years and he has never made enough to support himself much less his children. But he always has had enough to drink and smoke cigars and play the big guy. My sister fiercely supports him and just does not understand why his business has not flourished. Hmmm ask the rest of us- no one wants him for landscaper as it has to be done his way! The furniture is neither comfortable not appealing and everyone and his dog is doing seasonal decorations.
The rest of the family have stopped helping him out by delivering his goods hundreds of miles away. We have also stopped loaning my sister money because they are 'short' a bit this month. We simply never have any when she asks. And yes, I think they are going to lose everything because he has been living with them now for two years, he has wrecked their vehicles, his arrogance has made him an unwelcome guest at every family gathering but she still insists on bringing him. He either comes drunk or hungover and she ignores it. She is not dumb, she must know how we feel. And we tolerate him because we love her and BIL.
Yesterday my niece called in tears as her mother told her she HAD to help her brother. She has already made several loans to him that he did not even try to pay back. Her mother told her that, unless she helped him out, she would not be welcome in the extended family as it is a sister's duty to help out family. I told her that of course she would always be welcome and that we were probably going to be expelled also because I know he is going to come asking for our vehicles to make deliveries for the Christmas season soon and we are simply saying "no." I love my sister a lot but we are through enabling her son.
What makes an intelligent, usually caring woman go to such lengths? I honestly think it would be best if they lost the house because then she and my BIL would have to into the affordable apartments in a town nearby and son would be restricted by the authorities from living with them. He has ruined their retirement, his dad is in bad shape physically and still 'the world is against him and if he could only get ONE break! Almost as if she does not see the drinking and instead is addicted to her son and his angst. This is just so sad.
It is sad. For some folks, they enable because having a "forever child" stops then from having to face lots of things such as aging, their own mortality, and having to take responsibility to make meaning out of their own life. Also, some parents are really petrified that if they stop enabling, their adult child will wind up dead or in prison. The adult alcoholic child will also bank on that fear and exploit it.
