The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A few years ago, i wold have bailed on this job and not looked back....
Today i had to go in and teach wife how to do some stuff w/her payables and how to do payroll liability payments correctly.....She is good learner and absorbed my teaching and we got a LOT of stuff done...I had her chasing down vendor invoices to see why checks were not cashed and we cleared up the o/s checks in the bank statement....some were dups, some the people cashed late.....
THEN, b/c we have a good relationship, i asked her if we could have a heart to heart chat....she said "of course"
I told her what happened to me Tuesday night and how i just shut down, went numb, dissociated and i told her that (no details) i was a battered child...battered wife....and there fore I CANNOT do abuse on the workplace
I could see the concern in her eyes that i may leave...she told me she / they trusted me and she said that she hopes i would stay and she told me about her husband
He has fatty liver, turned into non-alcoholic cirrhosis of the liver....he is dying....1 - 3 years is all he has....he says something, throws a fit, even at her, and then either feels bad and tries to mitigate right there or he forgets...doesn't remember it...like he will say something 30 min later asking nicely about the SAME issue he screamed his ?? at her earlier...
I thanked her for her sharing this with me and that although I understand, he must be feeling like crap and frightened at his imminent death, abuse at the workplace is not acceptable to me.........she told me to tell him , call him out when he yells.....so I thought "ok, non confrontational, how do i do this" then it came to me.....make him feel bad but do it kindly.........so i told her , "i'll just say to him.............W, you have a very nice voice and you don't have to yell at me to get me to hear you" and then walk away from him....
I am right not to take abuse, but also , this woman has been so good to me, and he has too.... i will hang loose....see where the wind blows me, I have networked myself a lot this past couple of days and if it is meant for me to stay??? than so be it........if it is meant for me to leave??? i must watch/listen/pay attention to the signs that may come b4 me and then work my program , detachment, to see which road i take....i will know....my instincts are sharp......No hits on the stuff that i have done (advertising and contacting the local unemployment office) so maybe i am to hang loose and ride this out.........eventually he is going to end up house bound, running things from home and he won't be in my face, perhaps and its doable...
she and i had a good day and i earned some Xtra money and she was delighted w/my talents and my ability to teach....I enjoy teaching....used to do it here and there....
So today was a decent day.....Mr. "your not a parent w/out laying the egg yourself" was very nice to me today.....He isn't a "screamer" anyway, he just says stupid, thoughtless things and then I think he regrets it when he knows hes pissed me off.....He really, when i need help, he has always stepped up.....
So the lessons when i step back and LOOK, I am learning that there is good and bad in every situation....it boils down to what i can take/can't take and to remember that the whole world is screwed up and folks can get weird.....i must remember its their bag of dirty laundry, not mine AFTER i have checked my side of the street...
So anyway, 1/2 off sale at goodwill...I will be surfing the book shelves...got a nice collection of american and foreign literature books......so this safari will be a non-fiction book hunt....can't stand fiction, bores me to death, lol
I got a new facial scrub brush for micro dermabrasion purposes....it worked great But the lesson was...Don't get carried away and do too much...well my first time, I did too much...my skin is all chafed from not just cleaning off old dead top layer cells, i took of the top layer of my SKIN.......it is beginning to itch as it heals and will begin to peal......I'm rubbing castor oil on it b/c it is a great skin softener and anti microbial......I look like I got dragged down the highway a few feet....face in the pavement......nothing damaged but my pride ......next time i must tell myself I am not buffing a car, I am cleansing my face........oh well...time to put some more moisturizer on me so i can smile w/out feeling like my face is cracking.....
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
When I began reading your post, I had the thought that you sounded like a good teacher, then you mentioned you enjoy teaching...it shows. This situation was handled in a way that it seems like a win for everyone and an opportunity to stretch the compassionate side of you, which is already pretty huge
Well, i know this post, again, isn't alanon, but it is something i FELT and had to "work through" so I will reply to myself...and i will post what i am feelng b/c that is part of my program therapy.......last night i noticed a kind of nervousness and was wondering "whats going on??? you had a good teaching session w/wife and she does not want you leaving...she likes you, yada yada" so i am thinking maybe i had shut down so effectively over his outburst that i "shoved it"???? like emotionally going into hiding???? it was weird....but i finally , last night it sunk in....i could have had to walk, lose at LEAST $200 per month which I CANT and pay my ccard off......so maybe some fear and "what iffing" got into the picture last night......i did a bit extra on my meds and my l-theanine and finally was able to rest and get to go to sleep so i can go to GW and enjoy my 1/2 off sale....
gonna be conservative...i know what i can spend...and NO MORE......daughter #2 is gonna meet me b/c i can't fit her and 4 kids in my car unless 1 has no seat belt and i will not allow anyone in my car w/no seatbelt...so she will meet me........i anticipate a lot of fun...calming down now, starting to feel a bit normal....my face is healing but itchy from the over use of my facial brush, but no worries...slap on some castor oil which is the BEST moisturizer and protects against bacteria and i am good to go.....just answering a few of my folks here posting and then i am OFF to shower and GW hunting....weather is gonna be close to 90 so short pants and summer shirt....
I notice that when it comes to stress, i just don't bounce back as fast...it takes more out of me...i need more recovery time then before, maybe its b/c i do eventually face it......people....all pain as been due to people, moslty.....i find myself more and more content to "hang out w/myself" and its more peaceful that way......i just don't recover as fast from stressful situations......I'm tired...I want to be able to go out to pasture, but no hope for that ....gotta work till i drop....so literally i just do one day at a time....thats mostly all i can do......
this latest financial scare and it would have been bad had things not calmed down some, took something out of me....i just can't worry about friggin money anymore.....i'll either make it or not....not willing to fight it anymore......let the chips fall where they may, i am tired...i don't want to fight life anymore.....i just want to try and draw good energy to me......
I was talking w/my sponsor and she expressed sadness over the fact that i was never able to feel really safe, my entire life.......don't know what that is or feels like....i watch my nature shows, love nat geo wild and i see the animals, get up...eat, forage (prey animals) they don't know if today is their last or not, but they do'nt dwell on it....they just do their thing until a lion or hyena or leopard comes along and ends it for them....even the strong predators live on a one day at a time basis and none of them care or dwell on it.....wish i had their mentality......the residue fear in me just lingers and lingers....in the back of my mind , i am just below fight or flight...no wonder i am so tired re: LIFE....no matter what i do to rid myself of toxic people, take care of me, be proactive in my care, I am only a couple of paychecks away from not meeting my needs, not even the basics.......i am not alone....crash created a lot of new poor.....i see more and more older folks unable to retire.....oh well, today i will put it on back burner and have some fun...even if it is only for today...
People may think i am nuts going to a 1/2 off sale, but this is my 1x per month respite where I can pretend i have some fun, where I can pretend that i have some power over my life....i get tired of hanging out at home to save $$$ so i can pay on the ccard.......However, I set aside today to have some FUN.......so why worry?? lol...sounds easy but that residue fear as el-cee so accurately put it still is beneath me, just under the surface ....I can mitigate it w/program, but i am not gonna think that i will ever 100% restore me to my original state ....i really really dunno what injury to me made me unable to trust..it goes waaay back.......but it happened and its my issue to deal with.....or let go of and accept....
so today, i will pretend and BE/ACT carefree, meet w/some other bargain hunters and enjoy myself....put the worries on back burner, not let them get into my day and enjoy
thank you
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
