Very proud of my daughter. - Al-Anon Family Group

Luiza · Senior Member

Very proud of my daughter.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Love your picture, you two are beautiful! IN an out!

Ok missy, I am going to say my experience ok? In my experience it is not a good thing to have a child sleeping with the opposite sex in the same bed. Plus the touching bottoms is not good either.

It may not be weird now, but just is asking for trouble. For her to say no like that, and say no more smacking bottoms tells me she is NOT comfortable with this behavior. An adult man should not be sleeping with his daughter, and begging her to do so.

He is a active alcoholic, they are insane when they drink and even when sober if they are active.

I hope you make her a little bed next to you or something.

She is not going to understand his behavior. Ok one time and not another is confusing for a child. Plus the way he says he is going to do something then doesn't is confusing too.

I admire your goal to get away from this dysfunctional person. Also admire how you walk and take buses. I live in a tiny place but I go to the big city and do the buses. I love the people!

gotta tell you I am so happy you are still here and i sure hope you continue to be. love!!! I hope I didn't say too much! Its from experience....

Luiza · Senior Member

Hi Debilyn. Thank you for your share. I totally understand your concerns.

I know, I am totally against smacking, even when it is a game. He is against smacking too and they had this game going on that hopefully won't happen again.

As for sleeping together, we co-slept for a long time, since when she was a newborn. Then we moved to a home when there was a double bed in her bedroom and I just got used sleeping with her, better than sleeping besides a drunk. Then we moved again and put a bunk bed in her bedroom, and trained her to sleep on her own. It was aIl good, but they sleep in the big bed now again as he is moving.

I am glad too I am separating. Unfortunately he will still have to have contact with her and I won't be there, and I can't control his drinking. This is big worry. I am researching how can I do this...how can I get supervised visits only...but the main problem is when he comes drunk after work and he will not see her after work, only on his days off...he does drink on his days off but don't get crazy like he does after work...

Anyway, he has no story of DUI or physical abuse so I imagine it will be hard to put so much restrictions on his visits.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Luiza, my daughter's dad isn't exactly an A, but when we were together he was very childish, he smoked pot all day and played xbox games and acted like a child. He also hoarded our things, took her stuff (like her shoes, toys, winter coat) just so he could have control. (Also all of our wedding gifts, from my family, it was bizarre). Then he dissapeared for a few years and i tried so hard to engage him and have him be involved with his child.
I tried so hard to have them spend time together.
A few years ago he magically showed up wanting to assert his authority as her dad.
The thing is, I have thought I have had so much control over this whole process (and of course I have to protect her and make sure she is safe and not being harmed) but she has her own opinions about her father.
She gets excited about talking to him on the phone, and she seems to put him on a pedestal, like she thinks he is cool because he rides a motorbike, but she never wants to go and visit because she says, "he never actually spends time with me, he's always too busy and he doesn't listen to me". She doesn't like his wife, I even get frustrated because his wife is actually pretty nice, very controlling but a nice loving lady who really truly seems to like my child. I think she is a good woman who cares for my girl. But my daughter won't give her an inch, she just doesn't want to.
It has been such a hard lesson for me to understand, I have to protect my child from harm, but I cannot be 2 parents. I cannot be her father or do his job for him. It is my daughter's reality that her father is a bit of a "fair-weather" dad who is there when he feels like it and not there when it is a bit hard. I can't change that. That is her life and what she is going to grow up with, she doesn't have a "full time" father. That is part of my daughter's life, a piece of her reality that I just can't change and she will grow and learn from it. Her relationship with her father is her own, and if it troubles her or causes her pain in the future, I hope she comes to me and better yet i hope she will grow from it, i have set the stage for her to explore self-growth and al-anon an al-ateen and just the basic concept of what to do when you can't control something and need help. I teach her 12-step principals in a g-rated way, how else can I help her?
I can only be her mother.
I think you are a good mother.
I also get why you are proud of her for saying "no"
We have to relax, Luiza, we can't be mum AND dad. Our kids have crappy dads, that is their own relationship to explore. If we try to get involved in it or change it, we deprive ourselves of good "mothering" time.

I'm sorry if i have gone on about this somewhat, it's a big thing for me too and something I am making peace with myself.

-- Edited by missmeliss on Friday 24th of October 2014 05:05:12 PM

Luiza · Senior Member

Thanks Melliss.

My dad was an A. I swore to myself I would never have a child with an A (hahaha) but at least my daughter doesn't get spanked and yelled at by her dad and is not scared of her dad like I was scared of my dad. I don't remember my mum protecting me...I don't remember where she was when it was going on tbh.

So yes, soon to be ex AH is aggressive towards me but he is very loving and caring and patient towards daughter and I have to admit it.
What concerns me is his poor judgement when he is under the influence. Like when we were on holidays and he was drinking at the bar with her back to the deep swimming pool where she was swimming...thanks to me, she has been doing swimming lesson for years now. Or when he was drunk trying to juggle with dumbbell weights and one fell of on her toe...or when he was drunk trying to kiss her midnight and poked her eye by mistake...or when she was 7 months old and he was drunk, tried to pick her up from the bed, lost balance, fell on the bed and she hit her face full force on the wall behind him (HP wrapped his hands round her face she didn't have any marks, bruises or injuries...and this was the first time divorce came to my mind...she was 7 months and now she is 7 years old!).

She still hasn't come to any physical harm due to his drunkness, but emotionally she has been through a lot. I feel so sorry for her but I do know I project my childhood onto hers a lot too.

Yes, it is her life and she will find a way to deal with it, I hope I can always be there for help and support and that she learn lessons much quicker than I do.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Not sure if you are married to your A, but if in your separation/divorce you can get a lawyer, and he and the judge have full information about your A wanting to sleep with your daughter at age 7, and trying to insist on smacking her bottom 'playfully' a lot, I think that might go some way toward getting an order that she should not be spending nights at his place, or maybe even unsupervised daytime visits. Do consult someone who has some experience with men who have crossed sexual boundaries with children. I'm not saying your A is guilty of anything but poor judgment at this point (although of course I can't be certain of anything). But his poor judgment toward a 7-year-old, combined with continued drinking, could turn into even worse judgment. He is not observing appropriate boundaries, and it's unlikely that he'll start further down the line. I hope you'll get some pros in on this. I'm glad your daughter is setting boundaries, but of course it would be harder for a kid alone with her dad.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Luiza, I think shes too young to be having to stick up for herself with her alcoholic father. Thats your job. Dont you think your putting a lot on to her shoulders? Shes only 7 and shes expected to keep herself safe and deal with an inappropriate alcoholic father. I couldnt do it well in my 20s and 30s never mind as a child. To me, children are our first thing first. He sounds like an manipulator not a nice happy playful person, he sounds like he is emotionally blackmailing his daughter and shes under pressure. Children need protecting from drunk people, they are often horrible, scary and unpredictable, shes far too young to know how to deal with that or have boundaries.

-- Edited by el-cee on Saturday 25th of October 2014 05:19:41 AM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Yeah....I'm with Mattie on this one. It is good your daughter is learning to assert boundaries because your soon to be exAH does sound like he's crossing some weird sexual boundaries with the spanking game and sleeping next to her. I know the sleeping arrangement is partly due to space and divorce impending and you 3 all being in the same house with 2 beds I guess. The spanking thing...A playful game. BUT, at 7 years old is exactly when a child really starts asserting ownership of her own body, space, feelings...etc. All that you say about your soon to be exAH tells me he has TERRIBLE boundaries. So it's not that he's evil or a bad dad. Just has sucky boundaries and that is concerning. He is bringing her into adult issues constantly. Can't keep her out of it. He is clinging and cuddling on her like an adult woman at night because he's in emotional pain and not because it is at all what is best for her.

Luiza · Senior Member

Thanks for the replies and concerns. I am working with her on it in a way that she shouldn't feel guilty or wrong, but making sure she is confident in ascertain her boundaries. No more smacking bottom games and no more sleeping with adults (there are 3 beds in the home). She is very aware of keeping privates private. The smacking bottom game is just going for too long now, it was something from toddlerhood.
We have this appointment on Tuesday and will discuss this too, all will hopefully be on records. I will have a proper conversation with him, it is just hard to find the right time when he is not angry or upset or drunk or hangover or whatever.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I am glad you are addressing these issues, Luiza. I agree with the others, he is crossing sexual boundaries with your daughter and she knows it. Take care.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.