Excuse me babbling a lot.

Alone in the house, big final move tomorrow, SO much change. Its huge, and no-one to talk to except for the animals, and you good people. In the morning my parents come to take the last few things back to store in their garage...my washer and our mattresses and cookware etc, and then I finish the cleaning, hand in the keys and I'm out of here. I think I owe my parents something pretty nice for 3 weekends of moving and storing my stuff. They did choose to do it, I had other plans but in the end it has saved me money and the help has been amazing. I had a funny moment talking to my mum tonight, as they have just moved my sister out last week and one of my brothers a few months ago, I said "OMG mum am I going to still be doing this for my daughter when she is almost 40, is parenting adult children just about moving stuff in trailers on the weekend... I think I was wise to have only one child" and she thought that was pretty funny, she agreed.

It really is like having new eyes.

Things still get bad, they still go wrong, sometimes they are just almost impossible but there's something different in me now, something that makes me keep talking it out (with HP, or here, or in al-anon I mean) and trying on different ways of seeing it until it comes right.

I feel like such a whinging baby here sometimes, like a teenager amongst adults but even when I think what I post is stupid or embarrasing (like the poor me's) I always learn from it and find a fresh perspective.

I think, a year ago, this situation would have me in an awful state. My daughter is away with her dad going on a theme-park holiday after a terrible night here sleeping in the car. I think I'd be projecting all over the place about what she would say and what her dad and stepmother would do, and defending myself with the poor me's in my head without even speaking to anyone. I would  be anticipating and preparing for a custody war. But I'm not worried, things are different, through whatever miracle daughter's dad (and his wife) and I have been communicating openly and well for months now, I told my ex months ago that I was planning to move on and away from A, I didn't need to explain a lot, it was all pretty obvious, they know it is a difficult time, I have faith that we are all working in a caring way with each other. Things aren't hidden, they aren't scary. I don't think they are out to get me. I'm actually pretty impressed with both of them; I know his wife asked him to please sit down and talk with me and make peace, I know he rose to the occasion and has been really friendly and open with me, I like respecting them and feeling good about daughter being away with them. Whatever our differences, there are a lot of things I admire about both of them and it's nice not to be at war and be able to appreciate them. If it slips or goes sideways I think I have tools to get through it without losing my head. And I think other people respond differently to me now that I am able to do things in a more level headed and less reactionary way. It's nice. I guess what I am saying is people aren't pulling manipulative crap on me because, it doesn't work anymore. That saying, "you teach people how to treat you" is one of the truest lessons I have learned. I keep trying to approach people in a level headed and considerate way, I apologise when I react or lose my head, and I'm finding other people do the same with me, the more I practice, the better it gets.

I think the thought of moving into a house with relative strangers and having A move to his brothers might have been "the worst crisis in the world" before but it isn't, it's a brilliant chance for me to stay in my town, go about my business, get used to being away from A, a really well-placed stepping stone.

Everything that happens helps me understand a little better what is useful to me and what can be discarded.

For example this whole housing crisis really helped me to see, I value where I live, I could cope with going back to the city, of course but I didn't know how much I truly love and appreciate my lifestyle until I was about to lose it. I stood on the beach about 2 weeks ago full of tears and hope and fear and wrote in the sand, "please, if it's ok, help me find a way to stay".

They are all opportunities, I couldn't see them before but I do now. You get through them, and you find the good bits, like a series of puzzles, and they keep getting easier and easier to solve, you just have to look for the silver linings, those are the doorways where the cracks of light are showing through.

Tomorrow is going to be so weird, me alone in a single room in a house with other people, I can't even picture how it will be. But it will be alright, and if it isn't, it will lead to something. 

Anyway, that's me, tonight, sitting here appreciating stuff and pondering it when I should be sleeping.

Lol.