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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> He gone for passports now.
Post Info TOPIC: He gone for passports now.
Luiza


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He gone for passports now.
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So after the kitchen stuff, pictures and paintings, some furniture and even kitchen salt, STBX now took daughter's passports..


I opened the drawer were I keep important documents and my passports are there and daughter's aren't. I called the non emergency police number and they advised me to go to a voluntary organisation who have lawyers available to give advice for free. I don't have time to go to there and queue for hours, I have two jobs! 


I have had a look in the bedroom which is extremely messy and I don't want to go through the stuff he packed already for obvious reasons.

Then I remember that he has a safe box with a lock combination, where we used to keep all the passports when on good terms and he was keeping his there. He changed the code and I don't want to break it but I could force a slit at the lid and I saw 2 passports there on the top of a lot of stuff. Well, he has only 1 passport that is probably at the bottom so those two might be my daughters.

Now I have 3 options, which one should I go for?

1- Just let him have it until I need it and not make a big deal out of it.

2- Ask for the passports back which I am sure will create even more friction and will take me nowhere.

3- Hide his safe box and return back only once he tells me the combination and I am able to get the passports.

I know I can probably get another British passport for my daughter easily, the problem is I can not get another passport from my home country without his permission and I can not enter my country with my daughter using another passport. I have no intention to go back and live in my country and he knows that and will go on holidays there probably in two years time so there is no reason for him to do it.

And I know I was very naive indeed leaving the passports where they were supposed to be.



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Luiza


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Decided not to loose anymore sanity over it and will just leave and not play the game.
Will ask him casually if he has got it so he knows I know it's not there and that's it.

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Spur


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I would be nervous about this if it was my child. We can never be sure what A are thinking or planning. I would be more comfortable having her passport in my possession than his. But here again, these are my fears to deal with . If you are comfortable with him having her passports then that is your program working for you.


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grateful2be


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I would be very uncomfortable with his taking her passport if he has - especially given the reality of his taking such silly stuff like 4 sets of shakers. I think I'd make the time to seek the advise of counsel and I would not leave my daughter alone with him or out of my sight.

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Luiza


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Thanks Spur but there isn't really much I can do. I can ask nicely and deal with whatever answer I get. Or I can play dirty and hide his safe box where the passports are. I don't have money to pay for solicitors I don't even known how I am going to pay next month's rent.


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Luiza


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He won't travel with her I don't think. He really doesn't have the brains, believe me, to book a flight and go abroad, hasn't got money and no where to stay.
It's just one more stupid game.
I could play dirty too but not sure if I should.
The solicitors will just tell me he has the right to keep it.

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grateful2be


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I don't think playing dirty is an Al-Anon principle. :^) I do think sharing with us and praying for the guidance and wisdom of your HP is as you've been doing. Prayers and support to you from me, L.  I still think keeping your daughter close to you might be a very necessary action on your part.  My x did what he knew would hurt me.  And he knew what he was doing.  I didn't play dirty but I did pay very close attention to what he said and what he did.  He was predictably unpredictable.



-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 20th of October 2014 02:16:00 PM

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el-cee


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I would play dirty with this one, just in case. I mean why did he take it in the first place if he didn't plan to use it? He is an A, that means he doesn't think clearly and kidnapping your daughter or holding you to ransom is kind of typical in my eyes. I don't know, maybe others can help more on this one. It just rings alarm bells for me. Can you break in to the safe and just take it out and leave him with the safe? Would this be dangerous for you? I wish I could be of more help but I would be thinking why did he take it?

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Luiza


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He took it and locked it because he could.
He left the safe box in the lounge it's not hidden.
He will be furious if I break it, I won't provoke.
I logged a complaint with police today.


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hotrod


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Luiza I agree with your decision. If you can get another British passport for your children without much hassle then I would do just that.

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Luiza


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But I can't go back to Brazil without her Brazilian passport. Since I'm not going any time soon, I will leave it.
Believe me he is too stupid to travel alone even in London where we live.


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el-cee


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Maybe you could report the Brazilian one missing, would that be an option, then it would cancel out the one he has.

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Luiza


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But I would need his permission to get a new Brazilian Passport and a new travel authorisation on the passport.
He has to go with me to sign it in the consulate or sign in front of a notary. It is a lot of money and trouble. The Brazilian passport has absolutely no use for him. He is either afraid I am travelling for Christmas or leaving the country. I told him I am doing neither. But he doesn't trust me or is doing it to provoke me. He could have been mature and ask to keep the passports, but he is who he is.
As I am 99.9% sure he won't travel I will leave it in HP's hand. Had a little bit of panic earlier on, but I prayed for HP to show me the right path. Won't play A's games. Will just let him know politely that I noticed the passports are not were I left them, and ask it he has it. Will hide my own passports though. It is a lot of money to get new ones.
Nearly retaliated hiding his safe box is my neighbour's house but I feel like getting down to his level.

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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
grateful2be


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Wise move not to hide his safe box at the neighbor's. He's already fear and shame based from what you describe. I would think that hiding things that are his would only add to his fear and to you and your daughter's discomfort.

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el-cee


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Sounds like you have done the right thing Luiza. I do understand your feelings though,but well done for not letting the fear guide your actions. Not sure I could be as wise in the same situation.x

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Luiza


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I don't even know why I was so surprised and shocked when I discovered he took the passports this morning.
After he took "his" salt, nothing should surprise me.

el-cee, he is a man child....he won't go anywhere...there are only about few places he goes to all by himself: to work, to the bar near his work, to daughter's school, to the local mall, to daughter's swimming and to the shops where he buys beer. All of these are pretty local and walking distance. A part from it, he goes to his mother's house.

Any other place, he just won't go alone, he can't read maps or instructions, he doesn't ask people, he gets lost easily, has no sense of direction at all. When he gets lost, or the bus changes the route os the train line closes, he gets a taxi. He can't work out an alternative route.
He didn't even memorise his own address and I am not talking about the new one, I am talking about this home where we live for over 3 years.

I don't know if the alcohol damaged his brain or if he has deeper issues, but all those years I have been trying to help him get more confident, independent and clued up but he refuses, he prefers to have someone 24/7 to hold his hand. And that is why he is so angry with the separation, nothing to do with love.

And that is why I don't think he will travel anywhere. He asks his mums advice for everything (a part going to the bar of course) and she wouldn't advise him kidnapping our daughter.

Unless he has a break down and do it anyway...in this case he won't go far and will end up locked up or sectioned.



-- Edited by Luiza on Monday 20th of October 2014 04:26:06 PM

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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
Debilyn


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now let me tell you my experience. The A is insane when they are using. Whether you believe he would not snatch her is irrelevant . He could get mixed up with some woman and do something awful. or he may use his manipulative ways  to do something.

He has NO use to have her passport except trying to control YOU.

If I were you, I would start out nice. Ask him hey I was getting important papers together, I can't find daughters Brazilian passport. Do you know where it is? if he says no, that is trouble, I would be opening it and getting passport. If he says yes i have it, tell him you want to file it with her other papers.

I would do anything to protect my children. We absolutely never know what anyone else is thinking. My therapist told me to get a flashlight next to my bed when I shared A was getting physically abusive OH I said no he won't bug me in bed. he sternly said, put a flashlight by your bed. It has been there geez over ten years. now with a 38 special.

So he blows up, he took it and changed the lock. I would get it open and get them.

You could always get it open very carefully, get them out shut it and not say a thing.

To me this is protecting your child. A's can be very smart when it comes to getting what they want. He was smart enough to take it and lock it away from you.

this freaks me out. hugs honey, debilyn

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



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PP


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My first thought was your daughter was in danger of being removed from you by your husband.  I am sure you will be watchful.  Prayers, Luiza.



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