Lotsa thoughts, goals, tenseness.

I put an ad on CL for a pet bovine. I pictured an old dairy cow. This gal answers my ad. My dream is a Jersey mini Steer. She offers me a Jersey mini steer, seven mo. old. A friend wants to get it for me.

My life has been blessed that all my dreams have been realized. Mixed into the deaths, tragedies, illness, pain, loss...etc they happened. All that is left is a bovine and an armadillo. So far no one in he south feels ok about catching an armadillo or two and sending them to me. i would pay.....hint hint....It's ez ya just put them in an airline carrier stuffed with bedding, ice in a container that fits on the door. and throw in some dry cat food...

Anyway I want to do this before I cannot. I will be sixty two in Feb. My Mother died at sixty five from breast cancer. Gma lived to 106.She still gardened. Mother was going like always till she died. Anyway I know when I stop, that will be it for me as far as hard work. I have to be honest, sometimes I think about building a studio on top of my sons house. I have it all planned. So when xa dies, that could be what I do. But for now I keep going, with that tug once in awhile to stop.

Today I am fixing the electric fence so Augie pet farm pig and  Glory, my bay Quarter horse cannot get to back deck. Its so slippery in winter and Augie is a klutz...

Then I have to cut plywood to put over all the windows that those lovely tenants shot out, and fix the wall of the barn where HUGE Augie has laid against and busted out the side. Put two gate in correctly... and...uno still cleaning up the mess.

Where I love this work, my lower back is giving out. It scares me to be  honest, I keep going, but to be so wore out literally is hard to face. I know how Gpa felt. He was helping put Mothers fence up in his nineties.

I am shedding my soul here. A few times I have fell apart and sobbed missing my best friend Stephen so much. I let myself get it out. If he wants me bad enough he will figure it out. big sigh. I pray all the time to hp. I know he knows what is best for me, my life is in his hands.

Yes I still dream of my first husband that died so much. I see him, its nice, we talk, sometimes kiss. The kids are little like they were when he passed. Then I find myself looking for him all over. Very frustrating.

So I feel ambivalent about my little steer. They only get to forty inches high. Like a large Lab. I have four to choose from. i have narrowed it down to two. My son, I am sooo happy, will take me up the two hour drive to pick one out and bring home. He actually sounds happy about it. Do I have the energy, I will have to take this little ones death since i am going to adopt his life and care for him. I always remember that.

I have to excavate and drag rock in for a driveway and spot for  my tenants to put their fifth wheel on. I would rather not do it, but I need and depend on that rent. Plus they have no where to go That is a huge thing. I have it all planned for November one.

Everyone is healthy and happy here. Have seven cute chicks with mom yakking and pecking around. Its so funny as I look at momhen  and this one is always riding on her back. lol

actually for as alone as I am, have been for years, I am mostly ok. when I have to sit I get lost in some weekly good show on netflix that has a bunch of seasons....When it ends it makes me feel like I have lost something. lol

A gal came to look to put her horse here. Huge beautiful oh six mo. baby a boy three and one four or so. OMGosh. She talks about riding and coming out to brush her horse. HUH? I mean these kids don't mind at all. not at all. Makes me nuts. If I told my kids to sit they sat, come here they came. they were safe. I told them that was why I needed them to mind me. Otherwise they were free beautiful little sunshine kids. IN puddles, in the creek, playing with their guinia pigs, building things.....These kids are like ducks...just off where ever, brainless. So how in the heck do they vision having a horse?

Even if my place was perfect they would not be safe here. I have three ponds! ugh I think I am going to rent it to this guy who has cows. I just have to watch and feed them.

sigh. sorry to go on. I need to let this stuff out. My guts are so bad. Nothing sounds good to eat. Just cold water. In my dream last night I was sure I had breast cancer.

My family would have loved it out here. Have get togethers, kids all over, animals wondering around everyone, dogs playing. Grampa telling his stories and laughing, grama serene holding someones baby. Mother making sure everyone had food, me sitting by grampa teasing and listening to him with my kids.

I want to go to my meetings. Still have not gone back here, bad memories. I need to make myself but I don't. I am afraid I will go and no one will greet me or talk to me. This congregation is like that. I do talk to people. But honestly I am shy like my mother, but I tend to keep going till I am comfy, if I feel hearts there. I don't feel them here. I see people with money, not real.

did the time change? if it did i got up at four. gads.

You know that feeling in your stomach and throat right before you cry? I live like that most the time. I need to huge gma and gpa,my mother my husband, my cousin so many more and let htem hold me and tell me everything will be ok. I tell me and others that. I believe that. But there is something about real live hugs.

putting my tool belt on and hunting for my lock cutters....

-- Edited by Debilyn on Sunday 19th of October 2014 12:44:17 PM