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My ex A has been trying really hard to make up for what happened the other week when he lost his temper. He even apologised to our grandson which shocked me. He didn't apologise to me because he thinks that if I didn't play into the drama it would not have turned into a melodrama. I don't buy that of course, and didn't buy into it with him. The domestic violence counsellor helped me to realise that the drama was happening way before he lost it and that I did play a role in his mercury rising and could (and should) have known better. She wasn't blaming me or anything like that. She wanted me to see how the whole thing got to that point. With hindsight, I think if I was working step one properly that it would not have happened. That does not mean his behaviour is excused or accepted! I can see now that my HP gave me an opportunity for positive growth and change by looking at what happened through a different lens.
I feel pretty confident that my A knows too that I will press charges if he ever does anything like that again. He seems genuinely remorseful and insightful that what he did was wrong even though he has not verbalised that (pride is an ugly thing!) and I am reasoning with myself that it was the first time that this happened ever in 30+ years of knowing him. So my A has asked me to reconsider my decision to end the relationship and he has suggested that we work together on improving communication. I told him that I'm not sure what I want to do and I'm taking my time to think things through. In the past, when we separated, it was for entirely different reasons and we missed each other so much that we got back together about a year later. The disease was not as much of a problem then and I can see how it has progressed. However, I was reading a post about forgiveness and thought how forgiveness means letting go of the pain, not forgetting, or even agreeing that what happened was right, or consenting to or accepting or supporting the wrongdoing. It means stepping aside from the hurt that the behaviour caused me and moving forward with a mindful awareness that I am better for having had this experience. So I am visiting the step board, writing lots in my workbook and I am reading Courage to Change which finally arrived in the mail yesterday. Yay!
I told my A that there is no rush to make a decision, we don't live together so we both can have space and freedom to self-reflect. I feel good about saying this to him and he was okay with that. I am not rushing into saying yes hastily with my old rose coloured 'things will be work out fine' glasses on. Instead, I am leaving it to my HP to guide me and right now being open and curious about what has happened, where I am currently at and how I am feeling focusing on me feels like the right thing for me to be doing.
You have great awareness and you know this sad disease takes everything and everyone down with it. Fortunately you have a program and MIP to find your serenity through it. Boundaries are huge to keep yourself safe and not head to the train station to board heading to crazy town. It is so hard not to, but oh so much quieter in my head when I can sit back and hear the train whistle call and not feel the need to jump on. I am glad you are working this through and can see yourself in it and own what is yours and let go of what is not. The serenity prayer helps me a lot in times when I have to focus on changing myself and my actions and let go of others that I can not change no matter what I could or should have done or said, I know that I have said or done it all and worn myself out trying. So glad you are here. Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I can see the disease doing what it does - blaming you for its actions. I, too, am glad that you will be attending meetings for face to face support and have a DV counselor to call as an additional support person for you. I am happy to see you at the board and that you are looking at the Step Work board. Having an actual sponsor will help you progress with support through the Steps and taking your time in making any major changes for 6 months (except in the case of abuse) is generally Al-Anon counsel that helps us make changes we can live with and stick with after doing program work with others for a minimum of time. We care about you, rainbow, and we're glad you're here.
Thank you Breakingfree. Right now I am enjoying the peace of mind I have created for myself by opening up this space between us and giving myself a chance to feel free from A. I think that I must be getting the hang of detached love as I don't even feel a tiny bit tempted to say yes just to reduce his current level of distress...
Rainbow,
I don't know if I have anything helpful to say because I am just detangling myself from what has been at times a violent relationship. But it's good that you don't want to give in just to reduce his distress, every time my A hurt me, afterwards it was about when I was going to "stop punishing him" for "things that are in the past", it was never about him being sorry. He hurt ME, and then it was my job to make him feel better about it, we would even argue about it, me trying to convince him it had been wrong to hurt me, him insisting I had caused it one way or another and then tried to make him "feel bad".
I don't feel angry with him for being sick, for not being able to give much to me, for any of it really but I am angry about that. I can't really even have a conversation with him now or be around him for long because there is SUCH a lot of anger in me at both of us for allowing me to be hurt and then allowing me to not only take the blame but ALSO the responsibility for making HIM feel better about it. Doing that really inured my soul.
Hugs to you. Space and time are very wise, the further I am from it the more I am able to view myself with the care and concern I deserve.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Thanks Grateful and MissMeliss. Once upon a time I would have accepted the blame and sat down with him and done a post mortem on what happened and like a good codie I would have tried to help him to see that his drinking was affecting both of us...bla bla bla... so draining++++ to take responsibility for A and such a joy to allow myself to open up to the idea that I am powerless over this disease. I feel off the hook!
-- Edited by rainbow on Friday 17th of October 2014 07:14:00 AM
I'm very happy to read this, rainbow. I heard a joke once about codependents: We're the only people who someone will sucker punch on their way out of a theater and we'll chase after them asking what we did. So true for me. So good to laugh about it now.
That is a lot of pondering. Pondering that could be done with a sponsor and in some Alanon meetings if you can get there (hint hint)...obviously this is a good place too and your post is really a spectacular and honest inventory of your feelings and some of your motives in dealing with this man.
Rainbow, he is playing some of the standard alcoholic control games with you. It is said in meetings (both AA and Alanon) that "alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages." This is precisely because of some of the tactics you are describing him using on you. Head games....making you think you are his savior to alcoholic demise, then blaming you for his drinking days, hours, or minutes later and accusing you of playing games when he is playing more games with you than can ever be counted. Does he do this on purpose? Some of it, but most of it no. This is a byproduct of being involved with an emotionally immature, broken alcoholic that is trying to have a grown up relationship with another person. They are not reliable and can't make a level of commitment that you can. It's not that they chose alcohol over you, but it is the addiction that keeps them too volatile and emotionally crippled to commit like a healthier adult.
Hence, this is just stuff to factor in when you think about "commitment" to an alcoholic and the type of relationship you are in for. Maybe you can detach and enjoy him for what he's good for. It helps you don't live with him. We (myself included) will be here for you whatever you decide.
I read your post and it could have been written by me several years ago before I began seeing an addiction counselor, going to al anon meetings and working with a sponsor. Although there was no domestic violence or fear of domestic violence, I married an alcoholic/addict who had all of the other behaviors you described of your ex A. I worked in the mental health field for many years, read many self help books and attended many seminars for the purpose of "transformation". I could talk like I was seeing my marriage honestly, my husband and my life. I was in denial, it was not intentional denial, I conned myself, again, not intentional. I was in my head about most things, because to drop down into my heart was way too painful. I did not know what I did not know. I did not know I was sad, angry, felt betrayed, despair, loneliness, fear, etc. I was prideful and could not see it. I did not know my husbands interactions with me were part of a big con game...the tears, the remorse, most of it was a con. I could not discern what was a con and what was not, although I thought I could. The counselor, all anon and my sponsor helped me to see the cons, his and mine. They helped me acknowledge my pride, pain and hurts and held my hand as I dealt with them. I got pissed and I purged all of those buried feelings I did not know I had...I became a warrior woman for me. When he got into recovery, he acknowledged the cons, the manipulations, the passive aggressive selfish behaviors...I was even more pissed.
It is wonderful that you have the space to step back. Take good care of you.....
