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So my brother is a recovered addict sober 1.5 years after 10 years of using he is 25. His drug use left him mentally disabled. This is my hugest loss. My brother is a shell of what he once was. He is bipolar psychotic now, and goes through long periods of psychosis where he can't handle much. My parents have to be with him 24/7 so he doesn't have to be hospitalized. Its hard on them and their marriage but hospitalization will be damaging to his weak mental state. Hospitals are traumatizing to say the least. I have an almost one year old with my husband and its hard not having the relationship with my brother I once had. My husband doesn't understand.he is not vocal about emotions and pretty stoic as his mom died of cancer in his early 20s and dad left when he was a baby he's been through a lot and just doesn't understand tears when it isn't about death. He says."visit your brother, call him, at least he is here with you" but he doesn't realize he is suicidal and I fear losing him to overdose or suicide every day. He is so bad off right now, he calls me and I have to talk him down from a huge psychotic break. I'm a MFT so I know how to deal with this but its hard when it's your brother. I've been through years of hell with his addiction, homelessness, rehabs, overdose, ect. Now mental illness. I have nobody to talk to about this. Im considering going to a therapist because I know my husband is not capable of the emotional support I need and I want to keep things happy for my family. Just sad my brother has missed out on our lives and I just will never be connected to him like I was when he was not mentally ill. I miss him. Now when we talk its me helping him through his illness and not brother sister stuff like it used to be growing up. Thanks for listening!
Aloha Sam...sad that this is happening with your brother and the family and then it is normal and usual when addiction has done is damage. I also use to be a therapist and have counseled in my family including my now past parents. I was able to let go of the familial relationship issue and see them as just woman and man who happened to also be married and needed help. It went that way with others in my family also The relationship wasn't constrictive. See if you can do that kind of detachment...see them as human beings, children of God just like you. I remember praying hard myself until the trust and confidence in my HP grew into a daily association and then praying hard became comfortable communication like it is now. First 3 steps have been distilled into "I can"t, God can, I'll let Him/Her/It". ((((hugs))))
Sam, when my father was in advanced liver failure he was at that point a very sick man who had pretty much killed most of his brain cells with alcohol. He would have the same 5 minute conversation over and over and over. He would say things that were totally off the wall. His soul was gone and what was left was the last bits the alcohol hadn't killed yet. I was then and I still am now very angry that he couldn't help himself and stop drinking. He made that choice everyday, as did your brother. Its hard to see them like that because it only makes us, the survivors, grieve for what we've lost and what could have been had they made better choices.
Take care of you, that's one thing you can control.
Your husband has been through a lot and developed the "Tough it out" mentality, which works in some situations and not in others. But this is an ongoing stressor, not a one-time thing, and I'd be surprised if toughing it out over the long haul was doable. I applaud you for going for support. Al-Anon can help develop the tools to deal with the fallout of addiction. Do you have a face-to-face meeting you can get to? Those are invaluable. I've also heard that NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) can be a wonderful support. I'm not sure I've ever heard of anyone who had too much support. And nobody should have to go through these things by themselves. I hope you'll come back and also find support in your own community -- every kind is good.
I hope you can make it to face to face al-anon meetings, and dive into self care. I am glad you have us here at MIP. Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
thank you everyone for your kind responses. It really helps reading your experiences with your loved ones and the damage addiction has caused. I haven't been to a face to face meeting since my brother became sober, mostly because I was so busy with my new baby who is now almost one. I will find the time and have somebody watch him because I'd really like to get back to Alanon. So glad I have this board until I can do so, it really helps!
Just trying to remember all I can do is give it to God. My husband says, "well you need to visit him and call him more often if you miss him" He just doesn't get that my brother can't handle even looking people in the eye, any noise, tv or anything. anyone talking in the same room as him is unbearable at this moment so until he is out of psychosis and feeling better, I can't really see him. Its frustrating to say the least that my husband doesn't get it but I've accepted that is the way he is and always has been. He has a big heart and cares a lot about us but has a hard time showing it lol. And as you all have reminded me that is why I need Alanon so I can not feel alone and work on me! Thank you!
My brother has a mental disorder that requires his being hospitalized because he refuses his meds and becomes increasingly sick. He also has cirrhosis of the liver and a gambling addiction. None of his family can really help when he is out of his mind. He does need to be hospitalized and after about a month of observation and his normal refusal to take meds, the courts order forced meds and he gets better. When he does, he doesn't want to leave the hospital because he feels at home there with others who are also sick. Hospitalization isn't something my parents wanted to do when my SIL asked them to do it. She finally did sign committal papers and my brother did and does get better. Without hospitalization, my brother would never improve mentally nor would any of his family be safe. My SIL is a nurse and even she knows there is nothing she can do to help my brother who turns on her the hardest when he's sick. I'm surprised your family members can live with his psychosis - especially when that includes paranoia often and the person refuses meds in most cases. Many prayers for all of you. Hard stuff for you all.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 16th of October 2014 01:36:04 PM
both of my brothers are alcoholcs and one added drugs to his A addiction....he does uppers , downers, did acid in the past....end result?? one who is bipolar, one who is dillusional 1/2 the time and a mess...he can work at the 1/2 way house he resides in but he has to have supervision of sorts...this wonderful pastor has this place for the mentally ill due to substance abuse can go....if it weren't for "Doctor D" dunno what would happen to baby bro b/c none of us could manage him to be sure.....
I feel for ya...its like they are gone, but the body is still there, but the kid i had so much fun with, growing up, is GONE!!! he gets high and does these crazy whacky things, like getting into a car and seeing if he can take out a police cruiser.....hes now w/out a license and i hope he NEVER is allowed to drive again......my other A brother visited him over the summer and he said that "P" will use all day long and by evening, he is slurring, numbed out in the head and he said "ya know, I am a drunk, but at least SOMETIMES i am lucid" he had a horrible experience w/ him....said he was never gonna visit him again.....this once loving guy who was soo popular is now a wastral of a human being, drugged out, hardly any rational brain left....he calls me from time to time and i have to get off the phone after a while, i can't handle it....i can't handle substance abusers, they just cost me too much inlife...i can and do pray for them, surrender them to their Higher power, but i don't get involved with them...its just not feasible for me if i want to continue to grow.....he does not want to stop....niether of them want to stop their using and drinking but older A brother at least I can talk with him...i can , when he is sober, carry on a very stimulating and fun conversation....with his alcohol abuse, i accept, in the back of my mind that he will continue to spiral downwards b/c any substance abuse is a death sentence if not arrested and sobriety is daily.....not much hope....so i love them at a distance and pray for them, but nothing else i can do.....its hard...its awful to see ANY loved one, be it child (that has to be the worst) parent , sibling, husband, friend do themselves in with substance abuse....my heart breaks for the moms and dads who have a child on this path....soooo sad and i am soo sorry your brother is in this kind of shape......in alanon we learn how to take care of ourselves, detach with love from the ones who are sick and know that we are totally powerless to control them or cure them....its out of our hands...glad u r here, as you learn how to work alanon, it won't be so bad......IN SUPPORT
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Welcome to MIP. It is good you reached out for support and am glad you are considering al anon meetings. You can find hope in the 12 steps and be able to begin to let go and let God work whatever needs to be worked in all of your lives. I hope you find some peace.
Hi Sam. I am so very sorry about your brother. Please know that I am praying for you and your family. Please check out Al-anon face to face meetings, if you have not already done so. They can help you learn how to cope.
One of my favorite Al-anon slogans is Let go and let God.
((Sam))
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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
thank you for sharing your story. So sorry for the pain addiction has caused your brother and family. Well for 1.5 years since he has been sober, the psychosis was mild and only occurred during a manic episode as he is bipolar psychotic. He isn't violent or paranoid, his psychosis involves hallucinations and racing thoughts that are not in reality but with meds it has been fairly controlled. Until this past week, when he talks to me, he may have a delusion or hallucination rarely but he is grounded in reality enough that by the end of our conversation he understands its not real and is lucid again. He would have a short episode and then be fine for months. He is very med compliant and was going to therapy, AA everyday and living on his own..just visiting my parents on the weekend and doing okay functioning enough to be on his own. But recently he has deteriorated. I'm an MFT and my mom is a Psychologist so she is in close contact with his psychiatrist and therapist. His issue with hospitalization is it is traumatizing for him as the other people create stress and scare him. (he has ptsd as well because of being homeless). He really can't be around people at all. Now he is not responding to meds and he gets panic episodes when they increase his antipsychotic to a level that would knock out the psychosis completely. My mom is having a hard time but my dad is very grounded and emotionally can handle it as of now. They are in the process of coming up with long term plans though.I doubt they could be with him like this for long periods. They are thinking of having him live close by or discussing other options including hospitalization or a caregiver with his therapist team.
As of right now I'm just trying to focus on my little boy who is having his first birthday party next week and taking care of me while keeping my brother in my prayers. Thank you for your support!
