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Hi all. . Im checking in and updating. Ive been away from here far too long. The summer went better than usual. . Nit sure why. . Ah is still drinkng as ever, i am not. Im still raising our daughter pretty much alone guess the biggest difference was the lack of fighting. Thats good and all but i think its bexause, in a way, ive stopped caring as much. Nit sure thats a good thing but its where i am. As for me. . Wellll. . Im in the process of resigning from my job. Things went south there as summer was comng to a close. .to make long story short. Itsbeen a crummy, toxic environment fora long time and the last straw has been had. . Im on sick leave as per my therapust wirh the intention of resigning. Sooo ive gone back to grad school to further my degree. . Good. But not free.husb has been supportive for the most part. . It hasnt changed him abit. What has changed is that im now home everyday and can see what a work day looks like for him when hes been out all night the night before. Hes self employeed so hes the boss and what he does is sleep in a stupor ALL day. . Its maddening. I dont know how he keeps his business. Its realy lame. Last night he came home at 330. .fell asleep,ahem, in his truck in ourdriveway. Stumbled into house at 400. .was clearly in no shape to take daughter to school at 800. . Thank goodness i washome. Stayed on couch till noon. Smelled of alcohol. Cleaned up keft house to go tojobsite, came home after i went to class. Left daughter at sitter till 630. By the time i got hime @ 8, he was out cold and i swrear still hadbloodshot eyes and STILL smelled of alcohol. I left him on couch for the night and escaped to these boards to get support. SO what im wondering. . I dont fight with him anymore, idont really alk about hisdrinkng much, i do my very best to ignore and find peace where i xan. . .But. . How us this not enabling him? I just act like he/ it doesnt exist. . I dont set boundaries well AT ALL. he doesnt abide at all. . He gives lip service. Thats about it. I feel im doing better livng one day at a time, not projecting, too much, and letting him do his thing. Iguess im more detached but how am i helping. . Am init condoning his crap behavior by doing and sayong nothing. .
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
Btw. . I hit submit before i was done. . I need some tlc about my "lot" in life from people who "get it',"& i need to admit to being scared about soon being unemployeed. .I detest being dependent on my ah. . Esp financially and well, i also worry that if i land a new job wirh more responsobities it will be hard to manage with him being hungover two mornings a week when our daughter needs toget to school. I worry about my ability to handle anew job and my alxoholic marriage.
im feeling a little frustratwd, angry, turned off and frankly disgusted with my ah at the moment so i need some support so as to not obssess and project any worse than i am at the moment. .
Good to reconnect. . Look fwd to hearing fron you.
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
I wondered for ages about whether not saying anything was enabling because I was 'condoning" his behaviour. But really, that implied that my approval or otherwise made a shred of difference, and it didn't, doesn't and never will. I think that every time I told him I thought his behaviour was bad, I enabled him because I gave him something to 'rebel" against actually. I guess I just found the more I detached from it and left him to it, the less interested I was in what he was doing. I guess in the end that is my boundary (and it took me ages to work this out)...if people are going to be drunk and gross and dysfunctional then I am not going to be interested in them, their wellbeing or what they are doing. I don't know of any other way to live side by side with an active A. It's not easy or pleasant.
Good luck with the degree that sounds positive.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Hi TOC, its good to hear from you again. It sounds like your doing very well at detaching and your feeling some of the benefits in terms of no more fighting and tension. I think when we learn a new way to think that is so different from how we have been previously, it can be hard to trust the process. Detaching with love for me meant that I didn't give advice or any judgement on the choices my son was making. I let go and let God with him, I respected his decision to drink, its his but the boundaries came in where I refused to suffer any consequences for his choices. Maybe your still suffering his consequences and that could be enabling.
Your husband is unlikely to take his responsibilities as a father seriously while hes actively drinking so if you are able to keep him out of it in terms of looking after children, hes not able to do it, its like leaving them alone really or worse. You are a single parent to an extent. I suggest making your life as easy as possible, can you pay for a childminder while you are out? That way you have nothing to worry about. While you are at home if ignoring what hes doing makes life easier for you then do it. Take care of the needs of your children and spend time looking after yourself. dont engage with any insanity swirling around the alcoholic.
Reading the Alanon literature will really help you. I have recently been introduced to a booklet called Alcoholism the family disease. Its pretty good with lots of ways in which to detach and should help your understanding increase.
Glad to see you posting! Enabling is making it easier for him to drink. Finding your serenity and not fighting is not enabling it is working on your inner peace for you. It sounds like you have a good plan with school and looking for a better job. You know you can't change him and are trying to make the best of your lot for you and your kid, nothing wrong with that. Keep working your program and making the next best decision. Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
So now you know what he does with his day - just what As do, I guess. What you do with your day is most important and I'm glad to see you have made some decisions about that and are following through on that. He may never stop drinking and you don't have to stay stuck in negative thoughts and feelings by working on you in the program and by doing things you love to do. Good job on changing what you can, TheO.
I guess I can understand just a little more what spouses go through with their AH. My son is my A but my SO is so out of it and I continue to live with it without boundaries. He can be just as lazy, looking out of it drunk, doesn't bath, shave and it's getting worse just in 3 weeks.
I pray for you and all of us that deal with our decisions we make for us everyday.
Your in my thoughts ((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
.husb has been supportive for the most part. . It hasnt changed him abit. What has changed is that im now home everyday and can see what a work day looks like for him when hes been out all night the night before. Hes self employeed so hes the boss and what he does is sleep in a stupor ALL day. . Its maddening. I dont know how he keeps his business. Its realy lame. Last night he came home at 330. .fell asleep,ahem, in his truck in ourdriveway. Stumbled into house at 400. .was clearly in no shape to take daughter to school at 800. . Thank goodness i washome. Stayed on couch till noon. Smelled of alcohol. Cleaned up keft house to go tojobsite, came home after i went to class. Left daughter at sitter till 630. By the time i got hime @ 8, he was out cold and i swrear still hadbloodshot eyes and STILL smelled of alcohol. I left him on couch for the night and escaped to these boards to get support. SO what im wondering. . I dont fight with him anymore, idont really alk about hisdrinkng much, i do my very best to ignore and find peace where i xan. . .But. . How us this not enabling him? I just act like he/ it doesnt exist. . I dont set boundaries well AT ALL. he doesnt abide at all. . He gives lip service. Thats about it. I feel im doing better livng one day at a time, not projecting, too much, and letting him do his thing. Iguess im more detached but how am i helping. . Am init condoning his crap behavior by doing and sayong nothing. .
that sounds positive.