The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I managed to negotiate an extra week now, by saying that I cant get the place emptied or cleaned unless I have a little extra time. So now I have to pay for it but it has eased the pressure a bit. So today I decided to come to class even though I have missed 2 weeks and haven't submitted any assignments for a month...ha, it turns out today we are having a "catch up" day so I went home and gabbed by laptop and am powering through the work and enjoying the company and the nice sunny classroom. I should be almost up to date by the time the day ends, yay. Its good to be out of the house for a day. I am glad I decided to come. The teacher was saying earlier they are happy to ignore the attendence requirements so I can probably get by coming here once a week and doing the rest of the work at my mums, gives me time to go get my bachelor organised too and get back to completing that. So, you know, it's not all doom and gloom. Just means getting up at the crack of dawn once or twice a week and doing a long commute until I can get a house nearer to here again, I'll live.
A is moving his stuff today with his brother, I cant imagine the mess I will be returning to or what will be broken, missing or all over the floor but, rather than be there to manage, I left instructions for the dog to be tied up and left. I hope he complies because the lady over the back has baby goats and I don't trust that wolf of mine as far as I can throw him. But I do not want to be there. I'll go home at lunch time just to put my mind at ease and make sure the dog is secure and the goats uneaten, aside from that I just want to be not there, I can deal with the mess later, whatever.
As hard as all of this is there's a definite weight lifting from my shoulders. SO much of my stuff has gone into the garbage. Very symbolic really.
Anyway I suppose I should be doing assignments not gasbagging here on MIP lol
(((everyone)))
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Hopefully dog will understand that goats are too boney to be worth the effort.
Glad you are feeling a bit better, it is nice seeing stuff just go in the trashcan. I moved this summer, and di the same kind of thing, and it was refreshing. And I haven't missed one single thing I threw out, yet I held onto it for dear life in case I ever needed it back at the old residence.
Picked up kid after school and just drove, didn't want to go home. Finally came back, A is gone, his stuff is gone, nothing here but a lot of mess and bad memories. I so don't want to be here, don't have anywhere I want to be really, it's weird. So much to do. Surprised at how sad I feel that he is gone and I cant talk to him, makes no sense because he has been SUCH an impossible argumentative difficult tool the last couple of weeks. Months. Years really. I should be pleased, you'd think. Not all miserable and mopey, ugh ugh ugh.
Gonna make easy food, get comfy and watch shows in bed with the short one, back into the endless cleaning tomorrow. Yay?
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I felt the same, Melly, when I closed the door on what was death dealing to me - to us all really. And I looked at my little ones and felt the deep love I had for them and I went on. I was shell-shocked in a way and I was jubilant, too. The two greatest treasures of my life were well worth the courage and sacrifice it took for me to accept the end of what wasn't healthy and hello to what the future held for me and for them in the care of my HP who wanted so much more for me than I wanted once upon a time. I loved him and I knew we weren't any good for each other. Didn't make sense then. It does make sense now. I still love my children's father and I love what I learned while living with him that I probably couldn't have learned any other way. That relationship was a classroom I needed. My children gave me the energy I needed to leave that classroom and move on. There's no point in trying to hang on to a person or to a relationship that is toxic or dead once the lessons have been learned. It's always better to surrender our will and our lives into the care of God as we understand Him and set sail in hope and the knowledge that we are safe and loved unconditionally and will be guided by a Power much greater than ourselves.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 15th of October 2014 04:48:39 AM
I had sad moments right away after, but really I had some really great moments celebrating the freedom to not have to be earning love and behaving a certain way. I could be loud and not try to make my kids be quiet in the am which was so hard on us. Breakingfree and being me was the best thing I ever embraced for myself and my kids. I will never answer to anyone but myself for the rest of my life and that feel amazing. I am raising my kids to see me making my own choices and see me as an independent woman getting through nursing school, working and being the best Mom I can be. I am far from perfect and have my struggle, but it is also good that see that. I am not trying to be anything other than me doing the best I can every day and it really is enough. Sending you lots of love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Just reading here that your A is gone and counting the days to the A in my home to go to. I have never counted the days to an event before. Honestly I keep checking it in my head, my fingers and calendars...it is exhausting.
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
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