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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Update
Post Info TOPIC: Update
blessed


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Update
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I am not sure the last time I was here; but the last month plus has been quite busy.  A few times I tried to come on but couldn't get my password in and wasn't able to get a password help and was limited on time so gave up, then those days turned to weeks and the weeks..... 

At the end of August I left my A heading to another state to live w/ my sister, and also took my son to college, first semester freshman.  During the month I have sent out a thousand resumes (okay, a little exaggeration, but not by much) and had a few interviews.  I have found a local AlAnon group and a DivorceCare group that are both helpful.  Also, plugged into a local church that I am enjoying and met a few ladies I really like.  My emergency funds are dwindling away & the A is not doing his part to release my monies due me.  I won't go into all that as it is stressful just to talk about him and his antics & how everything wrong is STILL my fault. In 6 weeks he has not given me a dime and doesn't care if I am eating or not. He is still totally consumed with himself. --

Often I hear, "you are so strong" and other such things and I do lean on God moment by moment for my strength and put on my adult, got it all together face, when I go out but I have moments where I just cry for no apparent reason - not really anything on my mind that triggered it, just cry.  And I have times I get really pissed as we, during our marriage, had a plan and stayed out of debt, and saved a little, and put the kids through school and this is our time - but instead of traveling or doing things we are dividing assets and going out own ways.  Really, you want vodka and 24/7 NFL channel more than me?  Yes, I get really aggravated at times that he can't see this.  And I feel I have given so much, and gotten nothing in return. He didn't miss a beat. He is still living in a 3500 sq ft 4 bedroom home; has his job; has an income from our rental & I got nothing and am homeless and unemployed.  I will not be able to make the salary he does as I stayed at home all the years advanced his education and career and managing his life & our finances.  He lives in a world far from reality.  There is a part of me that hopes he will just wake and realize, "boy, I really screwed that up." But, that is also not reality. That is not the way this disease works.  It has taken my husband from me and drastically alterned my life. And he has willingly gone which is the part that makes me mad. 

So, I bounce between realizing how much I have to what I have lost.  But, mostly, I have peace now which I have not had for many years while in his presence. I am less lonely now then I was when I lived with an A.  That was terribly lonely.  When the fear of leaving was less then the fear of staying I knew I had to get out of that environment which was toxic for months, years.  I have not filed for divorce and can't for six months in Virginia and have no plans to; I will wait on God's leading on that issue.  We have only drawn up financial papers to divide $ and protect the other from financial disaster.  Mostly me.

For a short period I was on a Christian dating site and talked to a few people, which just felt nice to have someone compliment you and laugh. But, I got convicted that I am a married woman, even if separated and it is wrong for the fact I am married, and the men I was talking to are not and it is not fair to them either.  So, I disconnected and accepted my single life as it is.  I have a lot of healing and grieving to go through before even considering another relationship.  The thought of putting in the time/energy to get to a point of trust is just overwhelming.  I need to focus on getting a job, a home and just sitting still before God and resting.  And that is what I do for the most part, in between my grieving.

My son is doing great in college. At first he was all jazzed, then a few weeks later wanted to quit and come home after the first semester. I put my foot down gently, then firmly, and ... well, he is staying and has recommitted, changed his mindset, getting good grades, making friends and now studying for mid terms. 

Thanks for letting me share. Have a great day. 

Teri~

 

 

 

 



-- Edited by Debilyn on Tuesday 14th of October 2014 12:43:02 PM

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grateful2be


~*Service Worker*~

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Hi, Teri: Good to hear an update on you and your son. I'm sorry the job search hasn't netted results for you yet and glad that you are able to stay with your sister for awhile. Maybe its better if you aren't alone in your own place until you work through some of the grief? I'm also glad you've found an Al-Anon meeting and divorce support group plus a church you feel at home in now. You certainly haven't let grass grow under your feet. Its been a very short time since you left Virginia. Maybe the 1001 resume will be the last one you'll need to send? I hope so.

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el-cee


~*Service Worker*~

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Glad to have you back Blessed. You sound good, just where you should be I would think, in terms of grieving and healing. Lots of good things happening in your life and your well on the road in your recovery journey.x

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Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

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You did the right thing for your son. You told him I have faith in you, I know you can do this. I understand it is harder for boys to leave the nest.

So we do need to push them out. I had very assertive men tell me that too. He will be a better man becuz of it. Hey I cried and wanted to stop too and I was 42! It's overwhelming at first but he will do fine.

Shame on your husband. I would go over to his house and be packing up some groceries. Hey i was hungry too when I left. Had to beg for twenty bucks.rrrrrr I was left with every bill and things he did not pay for.

Is it a 50 50 split of assets in Virginia? I have heard its best to take pictures of everything.
The home, what is in it, cameras washer dryer, EVERYTHING. cars etc.

I know you would hate to but if you went to him and said I would like so many dollars that the attorneys will take out of my entitlements would he do it?

You could always just keep what you have and move back in there. I cannot remember if he wants you there or not. He may choose to give you money so you won't! If you were there, its yours and his so I would be selling things off. Get copies of the bank statements savings and whatever too. Mens lawyers can be horribly sneaky and he sound like he would be so also. he can go gamble then say he lost so much money so they subtract it from both your assets.

I would do what you are but hon number one is you have to eat. You could ask him to take you grocery shopping. When he asks why tell him! Or just get a blank check and seriously stock up.

My experience not telling you what to do.

Please keep coming andsharing. It helps during this kinds of stuff.We want to support you. I would have offed myself had it not been for my group way back here at MIP.

hugs, debilyn

 

 

 

 

 



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neshema2


~*Service Worker*~

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Hey Teri,  WOW, what a story of courage and grace.....  so sad isn't it?? U invest part of your life in someone and their booze and other vices are more important than me, the marriage, etc.....

I got tired of being 2nd best to either of them...bottle was first....i wasn't anyone's number one, not EVER so i , in recovery, decided to make me MY number one......it hurt bad b/c i was looking for love in all the wrong places...being an unwanted baby, not held, not loved, not cuddled as a baby, locked in a dog crate so mommie dearest could drink, i just married into that sicko life b/c that is the only life i was familiar with.......boy, alanon has really taught me a new way of life and in that, i am a better friend to me, a better sister to my FOC sisters and better mom, better friend, etc.....

I really mourned my life interrupted and out and out robbed as a child and then i piled on more mourning, marrying people who had nothing of themselves to give to me....and i was a sick coda , myself, so yea, mixture was doomed from step one....

I am so glad you found alanon and are posting here b/c good ole support and knowing that we are NOT alone makes a big difference.........glad u r here....and your story reflects a LOAD of great character, strength and grace as i said b4....even the dating site thing, you did the right thing...I am impressed and glad to meet you......hugs



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aquamom23


Senior Member

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I'm sorry to read you going through this financial hardship. It seems so wrong to me that a pie one person made and the other baked isn't being shared. I hope that equal division occurs quickly and fairly regardless of any a motivations to the contrary.

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