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I'm new to this forum and I guess I need to get advice, ask if I'm crazy and maybe vent a little
My husband of 7 years is a chronic binge drinker. He cannot enjoy a social situation without alcohol and when he starts drinking he can't stop...one glass quickly becomes 2 bottles and it's not slowly sipped, but gulped down. He only stops when he physically passes out but before passing out he's a mean, nasty and verbally abusive stranger.
The other problem is that he works out the country and therefore we don't get to spend much time together but do speak on the phone every night. He has quite a stressful job and the country he works in isn't nice at all so I do understand that he's not living in ideal conditions. When he's home he doesn't drink, as I made that a condition a long time ago but when he's away at work he gets together with like minded buddies and gets paralytic, then either calls me and gets difficult or completely forgets about me and leaves me wondering if he's even alive and not dead in a ditch somewhere. When we do go out to a restaurant alone or with friends, there's always this underlying tension because he can't relax with a glass of wine due to my "controlling behaviour". I don't drink and would certainly never have a glass in front of him even if I did feel like it.
I know that my absolute hate for alcohol is a blight on this marriage. It's become a complete fixation for me because of the horrendous way he behaves and the vile filth he spews when he has had drinks. The problem is, he remembers nothing the next day and I'm left with all the nastiness in my mind. He doesn't think he has a problem... his excuse is that he needs to relax or as he puts it, he wants to "breathe a little sometimes". He'll lie to me and says he's had one beer when I can clearly hear he's had more because his voice is so slurred I can hardly understand him. I can't refuse to speak to him like that because then that just starts another fight and quite frankly, that's all we do at the moment. The marriage is completely on the rocks and he makes so many promises to change his behaviour but within a week or two, he's back on the binge when he has a day off.
I think he may be suffering from sever depression but doesn't want to get helps and also won't listen when I tell him that alcohol is a depressant. It's a vicious circle. I try to be upbeat, positive and encouraging but quite frankly, I can't keep trying to pull him from this pit of misery he's in. I also have 2 boys I'm essentially raising on my own (from a previous marriage) and my husband behaves like more of a kid than they do.
When my husband is sober, he's a lovely man and we have a great time together, but lately even when he is home and sober, things are not great because I'm angry, resentful and just plain fed up with his inability to stop abusing alcohol. We have the same discussions over and over and I don't think he'll ever give up the drinking. I'm not sure he can and I'm beginning to realise that nothing I can say or do will help him. If he can't recognise the problem, he won't change and I don't want to be married to a drinker.
Clearly the way I'm approaching the situation now is not working but I have no idea what to do anymore. I really don't want my marriage to end, but I cannot continue like this. Should I go to the local AA meetings in my area to try and understand it from his point of view, should I back off completely and let him drink (not in front of me or my boys) or should I simply wish him well and move on without him?
Cant tell you what to do. Going to AA meetings will only give you the mindset of a sober person. People in AA have already come out of denial and all the BS excuses. It could make you even more angry that your husband can't or wont do that right now. If you have local alanon meetings that would be much better for you.
Also, there is no understanding it in a way that it will make logical sense. Being in recovery myself, I do understand how an alcoholic thinks. It is a negativistic view on everything. They perpetuate and exaggerate chaos and stress so they have a reason to drink and then they insidiously become depending on the alcohol so that they lose all their other coping skills for dealing with challenges and stress. Hence, a vicious circle as you mentioned but it's not with just depression - it's with life in general. Total self sabotage and failure to cope with life on life's terms.
I do see you trying so hard to understand his disease and the insanity that goes with it. Understanding it will not make it stop. This disease is so potent, cunning, baffling, and powerful that it wants to take you down with it. The behavior of an alcoholic is so maddening that it will have you obsessing over him and in the process, you will forget all about you. Should you move on? I don't know about that yet. Should you let him drink at home? No. If that is a boundary you make so that you and your kids can have a sober home, then keep it. It's not even about "letting him drink" because clearly he drinks anyhow. That's just a boundary you have for you and your kids and I think it's good to stick with it and be prepared to enact consequences if his alcoholism progresses to drinking at home. It does sound like he comes home drunk and is verbally aggressive and abusive so, I don't know if you would want to try a boundary of him staying at friends when he's drinking. Kids don't need to witness that.
This is all stuff to learn and discuss in Alanon. Alanon will be more for you. Later on, it wont hurt to go to some open AA meetings to get some perspective, but for now - Alanon is where I would go if I were you. You made a good move coming here.
Welcome Mich! I don't have any words of wisdom as I am in the same situation as you except my AH drinks every single day now. There is so much wonderful advice and caring here. (I have not yet attended an al Anon face to face meeting but plan to soon) I have been reading lots of al Anon literature though...you must read "merry go round of denial" I googled it and found it that way - it was very interesting. Also visiting the steps board and learning about al Anon has been a huge positive in my life recently.
Pinkchip, your wisdom and experience is always so helpful to me. The way you explained the exaggerating of chaos - OMG! My AH does this exact thing! Always, always negative....it's draining!
Welcome Mich...glad you have found the MIP family...sit down and read with an open mind and see what changes for you. I understand maddening alcoholism and cunning, powerful and baffling alcoholism and depressive alcohol and more. Most of what I came to understand came within the face to face meeting rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups and more. The fellowship told me "if you keep and open mind you will find help" and that was the first "help" promise I received. Alcoholism is a compulsion of the mind with an allergy of the body...it is progressive and can never be cured; only arrested by total abstinence which isn't where your alcoholic (and husband) is right now...it owns him and has almost completely taken you over also...and the boys. Making demands of the disease doesn't and won't work...you can stop doing that when ever you want. You learn how in the program of Al-Anon. Anger is part and parcel of the disease too and it is complex as I learned it we all like and want to appear as if we are in control and then when we drink control is one of the first things that goes out the door...and the more we try to gain and maintain it while drinking the more we loose it and the frustration and suspicion of how we are acting and how others might be thinking of us brings on the frustration and anger and most often the easiest target to vent on is the one that loves us most and gives us the most mercy and margin...whoever that is.
Are you unreasonable? depends on the viewpoint you adopt...if it is his...then of course you are and then he is mistaken because if he was in your place he wouldn't be appreciating it either and wanting to change it. If you are in a recovering Al-Anon members perspective the answer would come in time and most often after an inventory on "what is my part in this" which would be done with honesty. Are you unreasonable? Ask that question of another untreated partner/spouse/family member of an alcoholic and you might be covered with empathy, compassion and suggestions that arrive out of the insanity we have live in for so long.
Is your frustration and anger unreasonable...no...they are normal and change after you have hung around us and the AFG for a while...listening, learning, sharing growth, participating willingly and honestly in a program of change. Of course this is about changing you for you and not for him. He is gonna drink cause that is what a person who abuses alcohol and/or is addicted to it does until they will not do it any longer. Open AA meetings to understand the alcoholic? Why not start with Al-Anon to come to an understanding of the spouse of an alcoholic...you. It is what the majority of us have done and changed for the better.
Keep coming back here also...often. Others are here for you too. (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Wednesday 15th of October 2014 12:01:05 AM
Welcome to MIP. I do hope you'll go to Al-Anon meetings for the support you can gain, the education, and the sense of belonging with others who understand what you are going through because they've lived it and found help and hope in Al-Anon by keeping an open mind and diligence in attendance at meetings and working the program with the help of a sponsor.
Welcome to MIP. All great responses and to answer your question, no, you are not being unreasonable. The disease has us questioning ourselves constantly. Keep coming back!
My ex wife was a binge drinker also, and like you I don't drink, it was a huge strain on our marriage and ultimately was one of the things that lead us to divorce. I always thought I could fix her or help her or stop her but never could, heck even seeing herself stupid drunk in family videos use to make her laugh, I was embarrassed and she thought it was funny.
That's one of the points of Al-Anon, understanding you have no control over others behavior. Once you come to terms with that then you plan your future. Good luck and best wishes.
You are not unreasonable and I can so relate. My husband of 15 years is of siMilar profile. We have one child who Was 10 and everyday I make the choice to stay. It's truly not an easy lIfe and I don't have any clear answers for you. I would agree with the advice that you been given about trying to understand this disease in a logical rational way. . It doesn't exactly work. the Disease itself has its own language its own way of being and its own set of rules. . Sadly all the bookS in the world and all of the trying to underStand doeSn't make it Stop believe me I've tried. I commend you on setting boundaries I personally have not been terribly good at that. My husband does Most of his drinking outside of the hoMe as well although he isn't out of the country, so therefore Im lef t to deal with it every single day, every time he comes home. He doesn't drink every day but seems to be eitHer Hung over or on His way to go drinking everyday. AgAin I hAve no eAsy Answers for you only understAnding.
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
Hi Mich, and welcome to MIP. You are among friends here who know your pain. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that affects not only the person drinking, but also family members and friends of the person drinking. No amount of anger, resentment, frustration, yelling, nagging, begging, or threatening is going to make your husband stop drinking. If anything, these behaviors will give the alcoholic more reason to drink. While you can't help your husband, you can help yourself. I strongly recommend you seek out Al-anon and attend the meetings. Al-anon's purpose is to help family and friends of alcoholics.
Before making any life changing decisions, I would go to some Al-anon meetings.
One of my favorite Al-anon slogans is "Let go and Let God."
Take care of you and keep coming back.
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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
