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Afternoon... I dont know what to do, my husband has a drinking problem, and I have tried everything. We go to church for a 12 step program ( we just started) he isnt drinking in the home with us. He is full of rage, but every day, and I mean every day I find small bottles hidden, and then I found a beer in his work truck, also finding out he is stealing beer and drinks from my dads house while no one is home. Should my son and I leave? Should i report him for drinking in the car? please God help me
Hi. You're discovering what most of us have discovered - we can't make our drinking relative stop drinking. What we can do is get help for ourselves in Al-Anon which I am assuming you are attending unless it is Celebrate Recovery? One of the first things we learn is that we didn't cause the disease and we can't control it or cure it. That is up to the person with the drinking problem and their HP. Throwing bottles away, hiding liquor, drinking with them, tears, nagging, lectures, threats we don't follow through on do nothing but prolong our pain. In Al-Anon we learn how to put our attention on ourselves and our children and take our focus off the alcoholic. We also learn that if we keep an open mind, we will find help and hope for ourselves whether or not our loved one continues to drink. Of course, none of this is easy and it takes diligence in program attendance and learning how to apply what we learn to ourselves and to our lives. In AA, there is a saying that "Half measures avail them nothing." That is true for those of us in Al-Anon, too. It takes commitment to our own recovery that reaps results for us. We tend to think that if our loved one would only stop drinking, then life would be normal for us and our problems would be over. That isn't true. We, too, have been affected by the disease. Our thinking becomes distorted and we try to force solutions. Al-Anon helps us straighten out our own thinking which leads to more peace and joy for us. I highly recommend attending your program regularly. Come back here, too.
Hello Meghan. You will be glad you found this place, lots of great advice. My husband is an alcoholic in complete denial...it's a challenge every day, but I am learning to find peace in the chaos. I think reaching out for help, for ourselves and children, is a great first step. Glad you are here!
What I tried to do to stop my A spouse from drinking now seems embarrassing to me. What wouldn't I do? The lying, sneaking, etc. comes with the disease and it will only stop if the A wants to get help. I learned the hard way, try as I might, the only thing that happened is that I got sick too. I lost myself and my happiness and desperately tried to restore my marriage to what I thought it was. It didn't work. Finding alanon a little over a year ago is the best thing that has happened to me. I am getting healthier and I am sad to say my A is not. Leaving a relationship is a huge decision and I struggled with it for years. Now I am devoted to getting myself well and I will make the big decisions in time. This board, going to F2F meetings, reading, and getting a sponsor, will restore you to some sanity. It's alot of work, and I was only going to write on the board, but it wasn't enough. The board with the other stuff is A+. It really works. There is hope, Lyne
Hi. Welcome. It helped me to read up on alcoholism from an alanon perspective. The merry go round called denial (you can find a link to it on these boards by searching in the search box at top right of screen) is a fantastic piece that views alcoholic family life realistically and honestly. I highly recommend it,both to give you an idea of aa and alanon, and for the validation that you are far from alone. I know for me, every time something crazy happens ( such as finding a bottle when were supposed to be in recovery) I feel as if a huge exclamation mark is hanging over my head,accompanied by the thought,but HOW can this be?? You are not alone, there is a wealth of wisdom understanding and practical suggestions here and in the literature to get you started. Keep coming back!
Thank you all.
I just feel so alone and so full of rage when he tells me he stole beer or drank in the car. Or takes extra money from the account to get drinks. It is so hurtful and I have no idea where to start looking, I can't ell but be angry. I know this is out of my hands. He is starting to see how his anger and drinking is effecting everyone. He can be a full loving caring SO then the next min raging and being insane.
He did go to a meeting Friday and we went to differnt ones. One or myself and one for his drinking. But that night he came hkme drinking hen drank all weekend. Now he is shaking, vomiting and dripping from the sweat. He doesn't connect the dots. I tell hkm I find te beer and bottles but he shrugs it off.
M
Al-Anon will help you get a handle on your anger, too. Never knowing when the next "surprise" is going to happen or what it is going to be is unsettling at best and terrifying at worst. Down deep, he probably does connect the dots and he's not ready to deal with it yet? Regardless, the program will help you and that emotional roller coaster we ride will begin to subside. Whether loving or raging, he is affected by the disease. Until he stops drinking completely and is in recovery in earnest, there will be changes and they probably won't be to your liking in him. With Al-Anon recovery, there will be positive changes for you.
In my experience,alcoholics are masters of manipulation and it is their denial which helps the most. I've never met a practicing drunk who believes he/she has a problem even when they move their mouths to make words saying they do. Beleif is an altogether different thing and no amount of forcing,begging or even the blatant obvious glaringly wrong things happening in their life will make them see the truth. This is why its so important to work on you. You didn't create it,you can not control it,you cannot cure it. Beleiving you can is every bit as misguided as him beleiving he doesn't have a problem. Don't feel bad about that:everyone here has been and still can be the kind of unwell that comes from living with the insanity that is alcoholism. Physically attending meetings is good,but attending with a conscious attention is crucial. I've attended a few online. They were late starting but I find them helpful. Different physical meetings all have a different vibe. Some I've found to be sad, good for when I need to let out my sadness and anger and not feel judged. Some are more upbeat,good when I'm sick of my sorry self lol which once took a full month of my life.that's 30 days of feeling angry and tired and toxic. Alanon cant make him stop drinking, it can help you get you back. Alcoholism doesn't ever get better until it ends,either in death or a commitment to recovery. I'm sorry for you and for me to have married these so afflicted men. But at least we can know what we are dealing with in order to decide what to do with it and how.
Thank you AquaMpm
You hit the nail on the head!!!
We hasn't even spoken tonight and I feel so alone. He doesn't get that all these effects he is having isn't the "flu" and I won't feel sorry for him. He is angry with me because my Pitty is zero. My son comes first not his withdrawal. Makes me feel heartless, last night he was thinking he was having a heart attack and all I thought is "I don't feel bad anymore" I can't and won't jump up and give all the attention like I used too. I don't want to give up and I do become weak and let him walk over me and that's rare because I am a bull normally very heard headed. I am happy to find a place where I can get it out and have help and NOT have him or I judged.
It sucks, you can't talk to anyone because of the judgment. "Will they let their kids still be friends with my son" "did the kids tell third parents on the sleep over he was yelling so loud!" It's just daunting
Thank you all!!!
my husband has a drinking problem, and I have tried everything. We go to church for a 12 step program ( we just started) he isnt drinking in the home with us. He is full of rage, but every day, and I mean every day I find small bottles hidden, and then I found a beer in his work truck, also finding out he is stealing beer and drinks from my dads house while no one is home. Should my son and I leave? Should i report him for drinking in the car? please God help me
hey Meehan, welcome to alanon..your FIRST step to re-claming your life and finding peace in the chaos of alcoholism........the rage, hiding booze, stealing it...sneak drinking are all indications of a serious alcohol issue....he needs AA he needs to arrest this killer of a problem, with AA recovery or he will get worse...and he will die if his disease isn't arrested....in the mean time you came here, thank goodness b/c alanon is for us survivors, us who either choose to stay or leave, alanon is for US, about US, to help US, they have AA if they want it...Alanon is OUR healing camp......should you leave??? stay???? can't answer that b/c they all say in alanon, not to make serious decisions that are life changing until you have been in recovery for minimum 6 months, unless you are being beaten/abused and are in danger..Some folks stay...some, like me, get enough of it and decide to leave...That is a very personal decision that only you can make....He isn't physically abusive is he??? ......report him??? when my ex would drive drunk, after yanking the keys out of my hands trying to keep other drivers on the road safe from him, i would call the cops when he left...give them the car descrip and tag number....finally he got caught...he had a DUI, lost his license for a while..had to pay fines and it did not stop him..Now the DUI laws in most states are harder...more severe and I am glad..NOONE should be driving under the influence...that is as bad as driving while texting on the cell in my opinion and i am not afraid to report a driver doing that as well..........sometimes the alcoholics have to fall so hard they bounce off the concrete to force them to get help, other times no matter how hard the knocks are, they won't get help...we are 100% powerless over their decisions...we didn't cause it...NEVER will control it...and for SURE are not gonna cure it..........I know this is a lot on your plate...but when you read this board and all the posts you will bit by bit figure out what you gotta do to re-claim your life....working on you...focusing on you and your son.....taking care of you....when i first joined up, i vented in meetings and on boards...then i got a sponsor to help me with the 12 steps and slogans, etc., and its been growth and healing since......U R in a good place here...lots of folks with lots of good stuff to offer you....the BIG thing is that you reached out...you took your first courageous and big step to taking back your life....please keep coming back and OH yea, they have on line meets right on this site and they are good meets if you don't have any face to face ones near you.......welcome to alanon.....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Welcome to Miracles in Progress. note the Progress portion. it's a miracle that you found us, now you get to go through the process of learning about alcoholism and what it does to others, and also learning about yourself. If you are like me, you have done a number of things that you would find unacceptable for anyone else to do. I used to lie about her activities to cover up what she did. One time at the grocery she threatened to scream her lungs out if I didn't buy her some wine, so I did, again to not embarrass her or me or the family.
After I got to the point where I was just done with that, things went seemingly downhill quickly. Wife went to rehab, got two DUIs, sat in jail for 10 days the second time, then she finally decided to recover. She is now 11 months sober, but it wasn't because of anything I did, she finally decided to let her higher power run her life, instead of running away from depression and not addressing anger head on.
You are always welcome here, we all understand how it goes, and are here to help each other get through this and grow into the people we were meant to be, with or without As!
HI Meehan, and welcome to MIP. You have found a bunch of supportive friends here who know what you are going through. Alcoholism is a progressive fatal disease that affects no only the person drinking but also family members and friends of the alcoholic. As Grateful and the others have said, there is nothing you can do to stop your husband from drinking, but there is something you can do to help you, and that's get help through Al-anon. I am a firm believer in this program. My HP led me to Al-anon about six months ago, and it has been my life preserver. You are not alone in what you are living through. The first step in your recovery is breaking the isolation, and finding support.
One of my favorite Al-anon slogans is Let go and Let God.
((Meehan)) keep coming back!
It works if you work it.
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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
Thank you all!
It's so nice to talk about it. I can't talk to anyone else. I have been around drunks my entire life. My dad drank everyday, now this.
I love learning how I can't control this. Struggling to stop it? The begging, the fighting, threats mean nothing. He was a bar tender downtown for years. Very well known and made a great living. But being a daddy and husband, hard coming hkme drunk at 4am. I have guilt for this but being behind the bar was another reason to drink. Get paid and drink. Now he works 7am-4pm hood job but he can't control anything there- so he sneaks drinks. It was nice today not screaming at him when I found the beer and a shooter in his work truck, because I just woke up and knew I couldn't change it. I asked him/ he lied and that was it. He's never been violent but e gets scary. Very scary. He's a bug string man and has a temper from depression. He takes meds now, but skipped a few days. So withdrawal from that, and drinks. He's acting like he has the flu an wants to stay hkme from work tomo. I know if he stays home/ he will go get something from the store or steal it from my dads house. Who lives up the street.
I don't know how to do me. I don't know how, I have been a mom for so long, always being the caregiver in my family. I am lost on me working on me. The meeting at my church last fri was wonderful and it was only an intro. We didn't even go to meetings but I know it will help me with me and my son.
M
We lose ourselves in the process of living with the disease. Al-Anon helps us find ourselves again and I'm happy to hear you are making a commitment to go to meetings for you.
Hey Meehan, I didn't know how to do "me" for a long time..I had to gt to KNOW me first..then work on LOVING me as is as i did my self discovery work...its OK if ya don't know how yet, you will figure it out, it will take time, but with sincere work and effort, you will...be easy and gentle on you......You found this group and that is a big step in finding you......i had so much anger and grief to work out, it took me a while to get to where i actually "like" me...sounds weird, i know, i was talking w/a trusted recovery mate today, thinking geeez i am in recovery 12 years, 13 in Feb. and it took me 4ever, but it took a long time for me to get so sick...i, too grew up w/ drinkers, my mother was a raging drunk and he was a monster....she was a "raging drunk" and we kids were so numbed out and pained out by the time we were 20, it was awful...none of my siblings are healthy...I am the only one who got into recovery...I was so "trained" in dysfunctional living , I married into it...hung out with it....i had no clue what healthy living was about till recovery.....it will take time, but it is SO VERY doable with this program....i cannot believe the changes it has made in me.....i thank creator all the time for this 2nd chance at living a real life..............sending hugs and support
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Oooh girl you gotta read some al anon literature!!!lifes gonna start making a whole lot of sense. The thing about us the non drinkers is that we become our own addicts to. Grew up with alky parents so learned how to live in an adapted survival manner. Alcoholics cant meet emotional needs so we learn to manipulate to get attention. The so called sober parent is so caught up with all the anger frustration disappointment that they aren't in any state to nurture either. Grow up with total powerlessness and your gonna seek out control to balance it. And that's when our disease gets really nasty. A drunk is obvious. A drunk is also somewhat predictable. But the co-dependent? The co-dependent is the one who hides everything so what you see is very rarely what you get. The codependent will also usually be held more accountable than the alcoholic,after all,he had a drinking problem,what was my/your/his/her excuse? Unless of course the co-dependent wears professional victim costume,and some wear those very well indeed. Hardly fun. Definitely not healthy. But such is the family disease named alcoholism. So many roles so many affected such a waste of years! All because ones addicted to the bottle and the others addicted to him (or her). Aren't we lucky to have found alanon? Hugs to you,I'm glad you're here.
Wow! I was and in some ways still the one seeking attention from my dad still, even at my age. Knowing he will NEVER stop. When my mom was dying from cancer, married 40 years he still didn't stop. Now I am my mom, in so many ways. I see everything and why she hated it like she did, why she would threaten and protect us.
The class I went to on Friday actually focuses in the codependent. I hadn't EVER put myself in that catagory before Friday. I sat there in shock. That I went for my husband and saw how many things I myself have to work on. In ever aspect of my family I am 100% a codependent. I always thought I was this strong person who could hold it all together. Now I see how bad it is. I prob for 20 min of sleep tonight processing everything in my life. I wen dreamt of my mom ad tng never happens. She passed a year ago. My sister is married to a drunk, my father is a drunk and my husband. We have all boys in the family and I am terrified the addition will follow along as it has.
Where do I find the lectures?
I didn't know how bad hiding things actually only hurt me. My best friends husband (who is amazing) and recovering and doing amazing. Gives me hope because I know how it could be. I have only had 1 convo with her about my husband, she offered her house to y son and into stay I wanted to leave. I am hoping this step in MY life makes it easier and my son gets his strength from me. Because I am done being angry and am ready to focus on hope. Thankfully I have always had a deep faith so I don't need to search for a HP. I already know I swear I prayed all night. Just asking him to take it all away. Off my back. Out of my head so I could let go and actually sleep. I don't know how to "let god and let go" that I have never been able to do. Because I have always been a co dependent. I didn't see how many flaws I had till this week. I am so ready for the change. In ME!
Welcome Meehan. You are in the right place. Al Anon is for the friends and family of alcoholics because the alcohol effects us too. As the A embraces their disease, we are left alone to hold everything together. It's a tremendous amount of guilt, shame, and stress. You need to work on you and keeping you and your son safe. Most of us also grew up in alcoholic homes. We're used to the dysfunction because it's what we know as our normal. Al Anon is our safe haven from the chaos happening in our lives.
There are online meetings on this site as well. The links to the chat room and schedule is at the top.
