Constantly Crying - Al-Anon Family Group

Hullibee · Senior Member

Constantly Crying

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Do you have a sponsor Ellen?

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Hullibee · Senior Member

Yes. Should I call her?? I haven't met with her in a while. Maybe I need to have a face to face.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Ellen))) It is so very hard and I so understand. Arriving at "Acceptance " of a situation has required many tears from me as well. I found that writing out my feelings, my disappointment, sadness and fears really helped. Talking it over with program people and a therapist also was a must. You are not alone and this too will pass.

Hullibee · Senior Member

Thank you Betty. I know I just need to take one hour at a time. If I can concentrate on that the crying will stop. Right now I'm sitting out of my class because I can't stop crying. I should probably go home. How do people do this?? Have I truly been wearing blinders?? do I have to think of him as a snake? Has he really been this awful person and I couldn't see it? Even my kids have said he's been detached for 2 years. The alcohol has won hasn't it??

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

I have a touch of the constant crying going on myself at the moment, Hullibee.
I think maybe it's our souls making sure we get it...listen woman, that was a painful, awful situation and I want you to acknowledge how painful it was...don't gloss over it, don't sweep it under the carpet, it HURT. I think that is what my soul is trying to tell me.
I think we forget how to feel our feelings when we are living with an A and they can get a bit overwhelming when we are finally alone and in a position to hear ourselves.
I'm no expert but i think, you shouldn't beat yourself up or feel bad about it. How much time and energy did you give to your A and his feelings? Of course yours want to be heard now. They've probably been neglected for a long time.
I'm sorry it is affecting your job, and I am doubly sorry that you have infidelity to deal with at the same time. I think it's pretty natural for you to hurt and cry.
I hope you can find a way to get through it and reclaim your worth and your self. You've been hurt a lot and you deserve much better.
If your sponsor is someone you trust and relate to, I think she is absolutely the first person you should talk to.
Is it possible to take a few days off from work and take care of yourself and regain your composure?
Working with children when you are feeling profoundly sad sounds very hard. It's hard enough to stay positive around your own kids. I think it would add to my guilt. Then again, kids are pretty good natural anti-depressants. Can you somehow modify the curriculum to be a little fun and creative for a few days? Get them writing poetry or working on an art-project? I don't know the age group. But I know that being around kids when they are being creative is very uplifting for me.
That might be bad advice, I'm not sure, just what I imagine i might do if I was feeling awful and teaching kids each day.
I'm sending you hugs and support, anyway.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Ellen Unfortunately no one wins in this situation. It is a dreadful disease and manifests in such destructive ways.
Please remember that you are an attractive, knowledgeable, loving, compassionate professional woman , keep the focus on yourself, and pray for courage and wisdom. Try to keep showing up for your life.

In my prayers as well.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Ellen, Melly and Betty's posts are wonderful. I was told once that when we cry we are close to God. It gave me comfort and caused me to want to cry more smile

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I have gone through some very difficult times in relationship with my son. It helped me to focus my attention on what I was doing and who I was with at the time. That helped put some necessary distance between that which grieved me and that which was mine to do. I would promise myself that I would deal with my thoughts and feelings about my son in Al-Anon, with my sponsor and also with my therapist when all the worst alcoholism brought into my life was present. I also spent a lot of time caring for my young grandson and that, too, offered me space and distance that I needed from that which was not in my ability to control, change, manage or cure.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

It took me 6 months before I was over the crying and depression. When I excepted what was happening and not trying to change it is when I started living again. When I stopped praying he would come back is when I got better. When I didn't keep thinking about him being with someone else I was able to start taking care of me and what I will do to make me happy.

This will pass I promise you just take it one day at a time taking care of your needs.

(((( hugs ))))

Hullibee · Senior Member

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate the advice. I need to face this full on that is why I am crying so much. He made his decision now I need to get over it. I think Im going to take some more time off. Maybe a week. Thanks again.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

You also made a decision - one in your favor - Hullibee. You decided he could move on and out with his inappropriate behaviors. You want more and you want better for you. That's a very good decision to make.

Hullibee · Senior Member

thanks grateful. I know I made the decision. Now I have to learn to live with it.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

to change the things I can

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Hullibee · Senior Member

He told me he made his mind up. That I need to move on and quit crying. How can someone get over 40 years together without grief? He is so sick from the alcohol.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I also made the decision to say "no more" to my x's unloving behaviors and "yes" to standing up for myself and what I wanted for my life. He dated a lot. He was unhappy a lot. He remarried and walked out on the gal 8 months into their marriage and she was pregnant. Fast forward multiple years, he died about two years after telling my kids he'd screwed things up with me and with them. Your husband and mine were different people but perhaps your husband will be like my x? In the end - the only person he really believed to be his wife was me. I do believe that he had a deep fear of intimacy on top of the alcoholism that blew him out of the water every time no matter who he dated or (perhaps) who he used for his own gratification. To me, if a man can't be genuine and true in one relationship, he probably can't do it in another either. Doesn't matter who he is with - his issues will play themselves out over and over again until he takes stock of his own promiscuity and lack of self-respect. There is nothing any woman can do to "train him up in the way he should go" as a man. That takes healthy male role modeling. Women can't teach men how to be healthy and loving men when it comes to making a promise to a woman and keeping it. In my experience, all I could do was to say no to being used by my x or any man. I'm happy to live as a single woman and enjoy the freedom of it. It took me awhile to get there and once I did - I saw the freedom as welcome and wanted.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 13th of October 2014 11:22:34 AM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 13th of October 2014 11:25:40 AM

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

It's cruelty. To suggest that after 40 years you should just "get over it". Please don't listen to it. Addiction seems to turn people into cruel selfish monsters.
I have heard similar words. It's not rational, there's no point trying to engage with it or understand it.
You will engage in recovery and become stronger, and one day he will turn around and see that his selfish choices have left him with a pile of poo.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Just saw your post on "getting over it." He doesn't want to deal with the direct affect his actions have had on you. Easier to see that "you have a problem" than for him to see that his behaviors have contributed to the ways you are thinking and feeling. Regardless of his immaturity and continued need to grow up in his program, you are going to heal and you are going to make a new life for yourself one day at a time.

Hullibee · Senior Member

Thanks Melly. I know that he will some day get the clue. The problem is that I am truly devastated in the mean time. I don't know how to survive this. We have had such a full life together and he just through it away like yesterday's garbage.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You had a full life that he was part of. You can have a full life and will have a full life regardless. The last 40 years isn't wasted or thrown away by anyone. Yes, grieving is normal. It's going to take a while to unravel your life from the life of the marriage. You are a successful, educated, warm, talented woman all on your own. You do not need a hateful drunk dragging you down. You indicated you've been depressed 2 years. For me, I was depressed when I tried to stick it out with people who were sick and not worthy of me. Perhaps you just dropped a giant rock that has been dragging you down.

I understand the sadness and grief. I wouldn't expect you to just "get over it" but it's going to be okay.

Hullibee · Senior Member

thank you pinkchip. I have been depressed over work. I had a supervisor that was on my case daily. I could do nothing right. I worried and worried about what to do to correct the perception. It did no good. She is gone now and I feel much better about my job. Unfortunately, the consequences was my marriage. While I laid on the couch sleeping daily he was forming a relationship with this woman. Now he tells me he has made his choice her over me. It is very hard to take that someone could so easily replace me. I wonder if I died would that be easier?

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

If you died who would it be easier for, Hullibee? I doubt your children or grandchildren would be jumping for joy? I have felt that way at one time in my life and it was my disease talking. It certainly wasn't my HP. I understand you wanting to take time off work and I'm wondering if being alone at home is such a good idea? Is there a family member or friend's house you'd feel comfortable in for that week where you can spend some time with folks who love you? If not, then meetings, your sponsor and maybe a counselor skilled in alcoholism and the way it affects us plus a divorce support group might be helpful to you?

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 13th of October 2014 12:36:32 PM

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

One day at a time, Ellen, there are no time frames for grief. Cry it out, get angry, get really angry, not just a little angry, over the moon angry. I still hear hints of self torture and I am wondering why?

Hullibee · Senior Member

Grateful. I tried to check into divorce support group. I cant find one in my area. I know I'm being dramatic but I truly am not trying to. I just feel so lost. I torture myself because all I can do is picture her with him. It makes me sick.

Paula. I know I need to be by people that love me. The problem is that my kids have their lives and no where for me to stay. its late at night when I am tortured. My brother called Saturday and said he was coming up with my dad to get me. They live in Tennessee I live in Michigan. I don't know if he was serious or just saying it to make me feel better. I guess if they show up tonight I'll know. Right now though I am trying to make it through today at school. I have a half hour left then I can go home.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

I have wondered that, if I died, would he think..would he feel?
Do you know what he would probably do in reality?
Use the fact that "my wife died" to gain ground and gain sympathy.
I won't provide him with that. He doesn't get to take that from me as well.
I won't martyr myself that much.
We have options, Hullibee.
We can choose to give up and die for the cause, or we can drop the rope and decide, do you know what? I have value. I have worth. I deserve to be happy.
It's really hard but you can just leave him to wallow. Don't crucify yourself and expand his sense of self-importance.
You are so much more than an actress in his drama.

Hullibee · Senior Member

thanks Melly. I know I am better than this. I know I have worth. Right now though I feel so defeated. How can I ever get someone to value me again when I feel this bad? Do I even think about other men? All I see is alcoholism. Do they all drink?

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm glad your brother and Dad are volunteering to come get you. If they don't, is there a mode of transportation that can take you there for awhile? It sounds like they're open to you spending some R & R time with them? As old as I got, there was something healing about returning to "my roots" until I could find my sea legs again and return to the life I had created for myself. I only needed a day or two there and I could go back. I think that is a very good idea for you to pursue if home is a place that feels settling and calming to you?

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I live in Michigan...if we are close perhaps we can meet for coffee?

Hullibee · Senior Member

I would like to go but I'm afraid he'll take the house from me. I've gone to lawyer and he needs to start proceedings. I don't know if going out of town would jeopardize this. I'm scared of financials. Not sure what he's going to do. I withdrew all of my small IRA to pay lawyer and credit cards. I need to get on my feet.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Your attorney would be able to answer your questions about leaving the house temporarily.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

You are a woman who can stand alone in her own wisdom, experience and power. Not all men drink, Hullibee, and yet all men have feet of clay. Until I could see myself as someone with value and worth on my own, I wasn't ready to meet any really healthy men. When I had grieved deeply and well, I did attract healthy men that I also said goodbye to at some point because I realized I really was happier alone than involved with a significant other. I truly like having my bed to myself. I'm seldom lonely. I like myself. I won't tolerate bologna from any man. I have a comfortable home, very good friends both male and female, and I don't miss all that is involved in SO relationships. I'm not against them and I'm not looking for one either. Most of the time I am very happy, enjoy my own company and don't feel like anything is missing from my life. Frankly, I've met few couples that I think are really happy and the few that are happy have done a lot of work on themselves. I'm not defined by having a man in my life. I'm defined by my own integrity and my HP's will for my life. I don't envy couples and I don't envy my married friends. I feel at home with couples and I feel at home with singles. That wasn't true when I first divorced (I was 30 at the time). It took me about 10 years to figure out that I wanted something more than an SO relationship. At 65, I've accomplished what I wanted to do and I'm still not closed to and also don't feel the need for an SO relationship. The same can happen for you once you work some of this stuff through for yourself?

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 13th of October 2014 01:53:22 PM

Hullibee · Senior Member

Thank you grateful. I don't know why I feel like I need someone. I think it's just my thinking about him with other woman. I will pray on this and try to stop crying. I know jumping in with someone else is too soon but I just wondered about alcoholics.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

It's ok to cry, you need to. I would be shopping with tears running down my face. It's healthy. Hey it is life. The kids would understand if you said you lose a family member but you are ok.

Its a horrible thing to happen, the person you want to run to is the one who hurt you. I would go into the bathroom at work and let myself cry. Then go back and keep thinking all I have to do is think about work. I got good at it. I would get in my truck to go home and cry. Make sure you take as good of care of you as you can. Stress is a killer.

What can you do for anti stressors? Even if you don't want to? i would go for short walks, making me do it. take as many naps as I could.

Go to loved ones homes and just sit or help do dishes with them, whatever.

I know everything feels so hollow and ick. But you will come back, when ya do. Its a slow tiny bit of progress at a time. You can do this. Again the key is to do what you forgot you loved to do.

I think I said before, bring some flowers or a flower in. I put three down comforters under my sheets! My bed is heaven. I need my bedroom to be special. dogs sleep with me...sheesh and my pot pig is in the closet!

When i wake up I always have dogs kissing me and a pig gripen at me to get up and feed! I need that.

Its ok and it will be ok. hugs!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

After spending 40 years married and making compromises along the way as a married woman, it certainly is normal to feel like you need somebody. For me, it felt like a huge part of me died. In some ways, parts had died. And other parts of myself that were under-developed or dormant or buried started to rise to the surface in me the longer I remained single. I found out things about myself I didn't know and I surprised myself over and over again. Had I been married all that time, my thoughts and focus would have been totally on my husband, my marriage and my children - everything else was secondary to that. Because I wasn't married, my thoughts and focus were on my children and on what I wanted to do with my life now that I was no longer married. I turned much of or all of it into my HP's hands and where I was led, I never, ever foresaw. My HP knew better what my purpose in life was than I knew and I was very happy and satisfied for a very long time. When I got to the place in me when things weren't fitting me as they once had, I knew from being divorced that it was time to make yet another major change. It took be about 3 years to accept it and move totally through it and I did somewhat painfully and yet in healthy and productive ways, too. I don't miss my former life because unlike my marriage, I wouldn't allow the role I played or even the work I did to define me. I'd say a lot of that was due to the work I did on myself following an unhappy marriage and a difficult divorce. There is always life beyond the one we've known and we can make it through with our heads held high and our self-respect intact. You are doing what you need to do for you, Ellen. It feels like hell and it won't always be like that if you continue to work the program and seek out people and other supports that help you grieve and create your life anew.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 13th of October 2014 02:13:46 PM

Hullibee · Senior Member

Thanks Debilyn. I don't have animals. My daughter offered me on of her pugs. I think I would just get mad at it jumping on me all the time. Ha ha. Her pugs are active. She has one pregnant right now maybe in a few weeks I could take a pup. Hard to have a dog if I'm working though isn't it?

Yes I want to run to him for comfort. I called him earlier and all he could say over and over was that he made his choice. I guess that means I'm out of luck. My daughter texted me to stop calling him crying. I guess that's what I need to do. I called my counselor and my sponsor. No answers. I'm going to try another number on the list. Maybe I can get a real person to talk to Instead of answering machine.

Thanks. Ellen

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with your daughter, Ellen. Knocking on his door helps him do the "talk to the hand" maneuver that only serves to hurt you. It also builds up his insufferable ego. My experience with some men - As or not - is that they like to do the chasing. We want to talk. Many will run the other way. We cry. Most get all flustered or blustery. We act as if they're the only man for us - they believe it. I've got 7 brothers. Every one of them married a woman who they loved a little more than she loved him. I can tell you who has the upper hand in those marriages and its not my brothers. You have a lot going for you that the most recent gf doesn't have - that's history, children and grandchildren. You don't have to knock at his door. You can start doing things that are healthy for you that help him wonder what you are up to and not in order to get him back but in order to prove to yourself you don't need him. I'd also like to suggest that others outside your family may be more helpful to you in working through some of this? To this day, my kids really don't want to know what happened between their Dad and me. It's too upsetting to them.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 13th of October 2014 02:38:21 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 13th of October 2014 02:40:50 PM

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

hotrod wrote:
(((Ellen))) It is so very hard and I so understand. Arriving at "Acceptance " of a situation has required many tears from me as well. I found that writing out my feelings, my disappointment, sadness and fears really helped. Talking it over with program people and a therapist also was a must. You are not alone and this too will pass.

Dear Ellen, I couldn't agree more with the esh you got.....its just gonna take TIME and working on you, but I promise, it WILL go away (this awful pain)...I am so so sorry to see you suffer here, but you're in alanon and you have a nice place to share your feelings here and folks you can , i am sure, reach out to and YES..I would be on phone w/sponsor and let her help....also trusted recovery mates are worth their weight in gold...its OK to reach out and say "I am in PAIN...i need to talk/cry"...its ok....I've been where u r at and i just wanted to validate you and send you hugs of support......

Hullibee · Senior Member

Thanks Grateful and Neshema. I hear you. Thank you. I talked to sponsor and she too says things for me to hear.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Hullibee, I suggest writing a couple of lists, a list with all the benefits of having him gone, like, no more wandering where he is or what hes doing, peace of mind, freedom to do what you like, when you like, think of all his horrid habits, does he pick his nose and eat it? Is his socks disgusting?
Another list could be some hopes and dreams, what do you want out of life? Kind of deep question but think of all the tbings you wanted to do but cohldnt because you were stuck with a miserable alcoholic, make a list, concentrate on it. You may be losing touch with the reality that was your relationship and putting it on a high pedestal, try bringing it back down to earth, see it for what it really was. Its still hard and grief is hard but you may have been saved fron more years of pain with this guy.

Fairlee · Senior Member

Oh Hulllibee! I am sorry for this hard time you are having to endure. I have no words of wisdom, but you seem like a wonderful person and I just know your HP has something great waiting for you down the road. Please believe in yourself, your ability to get through this.
Hugs!!

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

Hullibee, I'm at a loss for words. My heart hurts for you. Please find comfort in knowing you are not alone in this. We are all here for you. I think pain like this is going to take time. You need time to grieve. I'm praying God will wrap you in his loving arms and give you peace. Please be gentle with yourself, cry when you feel the need, and give your body, mind and heart time to heal.

God Bless you Hullibee. Take one minute at a time.

((Hullibee))

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