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I am new here and have never done a message board before. My AH is spiraling out of control but does not think he needs help. He drinks and drives and has started experiencing black outs. Yesterday he showed up at my daughter's sporting event drunk. My other daughter (we have 4 children ages 17-12) was able to get the keys away from him and after the game I insisted on driving. He refused to get in the car with me and walked away. A neighbor ended up picking him up and reaming him out about what he is doing. Needless to say he is furious at everyone. He would not even stay in the same room with me last night. He was very nice to the kids, watching a movie with my 16 year old son but very rude to me. I did go to the liquor store and get him a pint of s.c. He wanted more but I said no. I had hidden all the keys so going for himself was not an option. I know that I was wrong by doing it but I knew after drinking it he would pass out and I would get some peace. He is still very angry with me and threatening to leave first thing this morning when he wakes up. I am at a loss. I don't know what to do, although deep down I know there is nothing I can do. This is tearing me apart. I have lost 10 lbs in a week and can't remember the last time I ate 3 meals. I am trying to hold it together for the kids but I know we are all slipping. They are sad and angry with him and have lost all respect. He blames alll his drinking on me, which I know is a cop out. Hoping someone out there can put my mind at ease.
Welcome. It is true - there is nothing you can do to stop the progressive disease of alcoholism in your husband. You can suggest that he go for treatment if he chooses for the disease. Down deep, he probably knows he can't do anything about it either and needs help to stop drinking and get into a program of recovery like AA.
It is important that you do what you can do and that is to get help for yourself in Al-Anon for friends and family of loved ones with this disease. We are also affected as you are experiencing by this crazy making disease and we can find help in the fellowship if we keep an open mind while attending face to face meetings. Your children can also find help in Alateen.
None of us caused this disease and we can't control it or cure it. We can learn how to live happy and productive lives whether or not our loved one continues to drink.
Please continue to come back here, too. Many of us on this board are in the Al-Anon program ourselves. We have experienced much of what you are experiencing now. We understand and we also know there is always hope if we choose to get into a formal recovery program for ourselves. We can see what the disease is doing to our loved ones. We don't always see what it is doing to us. Al-Anon helps us learn to focus on ourselves and learn what we can change and what we can't change. Many of us would say that Al-Anon saved our lives. It could save yours, too.
He promised last Friday that he was going cold turkey because he had gotten into some trouble. And we had a lovely sober week. On Wednesday he learned that the trouble wasn't as bad as he thought and that was when he first texted me and asked if I would mind if he stopped for a bottle. I said yes I would and he didn't. On Thursday night he told me he was going to have a drink at home on Friday night and that he was telling me because he wanted to do it at home because bad things happen if he does it out. I told him I didn't like the idea but that I agree that he shouldn't do it out. Then he went and did it. He left work early, went to the liquor store, drank it in the parking lot, then went to my daughter's game. Then he had the nerve to get mad at me when I wouldn't let him drive. I am just so aftraid if he leaves like he says he will today something bad will happen. I know he is playing off my fear, but I can't help it. This is tearing my kids up and a neighbor is taking my oldest to an alanon meeting soon. They just haven't picked one yet.
Things do get worse. This is a family disease. If you and your children are all in Al-Anon and Alateen for the younger ones, you have an even better shot at changing what you can for you which can help your A get the help he needs, too. The programs are for us and when we change, sometimes our A's change, too.
I feel so lost and alone. It just isn't fair. I am downstairs on the computer looking for help, crying my eyes out. And he is upstairs sleeping. I wish I could sleep but whenever I close my eyes I picture the worst. Deep down I know I have no control over him. I know I did not cause this and can't fix it. But the irrational part of me keeps thinking that if I keep picking up the pieces and making things ok (which they clearly are not) he will wake up one morning and say that he is so lucky for having a caring wife and kids and that he will enter rehab right away. I feel like I am on a hamster wheel just running non stop. I know a meeting would help but I needed to reach out now.
i just checked out the 12 steps and they all seem very logical. I know I am powerless over the alcohol, but I still want to try and get him to realize what is going on. I want to make it all better for him because I love him. I really wish I could disconnect my brain from my heart. I know what I should be doing, but my heart is stopping me.
Sometimes, our addiction to our loved one is stopping us from getting the help we need for ourselves. We keep thinking there must be something we can say or do to "help" them, make them stop, make them get help. It is very difficult to understand on an emotional level that we are completely powerless and our life is unmanageable because we keep trying to exert control where we don't have any. My x's disease was totally none of my business nor were his choices and the consequences for those choices. I didn't get that at first. I had my business, my loved one's business and God's business all confused in my head. Al-Anon helped me accept the things I could not change and change the things I could - my own thinking. I still slip and I've gotten much better at that.
What's scaring me to reading these posts is that I keep seeing people refer to their exes or that their loved one passed. I am not ready for either and I am trying desperately to prevent it. Again, deep down I know I have no control over this but if something happens and I didn't try to prevent it how am I going to be able to live with myself. How are my children not going to blame me for not trying to help their dad more. The guilt I feel for not being able to do more is overwhelming.
Grateful's guidance to you is the road to follow if you want to and choose the way out of this hell. We have been where you are and we have the experiences to know there is hope for you and your family. The first step is to let go of all that you believe you need to do to get him to stop drinking. He is a man that is capable of choosing recovery for himself and you do not have the power to get him to stop drinking or recover anymore than you can make him take medicine when he is sick. Al anon meetings and working the 12 steps will help you thrive. Right now you are trying to survive....that is no life and not good for the kids to see either. Alcoholics lie, that is one truth to see. When he says he will quit, most liKely he is lying. He may want to, but, without AA meetings and active recovery work, he will not be successful. Another truth, YOU are not alone. We are here for you 24/7. Hugs....
I am afraid what today is going to bring when he wakes up. He is either going to leave and go to his parents like he said, leave and not go to his parents and not let me know where he is, or stay and make this a really horrible day for me. I don't like any of those choices.
You cannot save your husband. That's up to him and to his HP. You can get help for yourself and in doing that, change can come about in your family that contributes to the health of all. It is true that some of us do divorce our spouses. It is equally true that some of us do not. It is also true that this disease kills if a person does not arrest its progressive nature in a formal recovery program. That isn't just true for the alcoholic. That is true for family members who are affected by the disease, too. It is his job to get help. He is an adult whose life and choices are his own. We cannot heal them, fix them, save them. We'd like to do that sometimes and it just isn't going to happen. We can contribute to our own healing and salvage our own lives and sanity by getting help for ourselves. Otherwise, we contribute to the progressive nature of the disease as enablers or provokers or victims of it.
Can you tell I feel like I am at the bottom of a pit trying to claw my way out. It sucks. I am glad I am not alone and I am glad I have the kids to be strong for. I will get through today the best way I can.
There is an on-line meeting here at 9:00 a.m. or at 10:00. I can't remember which. The information about meetings is at the top of this board. A meeting can be your first step to spending your day a little differently than you might be anticipating? We're here for you. The good thing about being at the bottom of a pit in our minds is that there is a rope that can help pull us up and out of the nightmare we are living into the sunshine of progressive and healthy changes. That lifeline or rope is Al-Anon and application of its wisdom to our lives.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 11th of October 2014 07:32:49 AM
Hi momofjems, and welcome to MIP. I'm so glad you are here for you are among very supportive friends here. We all know your isolation and feelings of aloneness. As Grateful has said, alcoholism is a progressive disease and it affects not only the drinker, but also family members and friends of the alcoholic. You can do nothing for your husband but suggest he get help. That decision will be his, but you can do something for you and your children. Al-anon is for adults who are affected by someone's drinking and Al-ateen is for teenagers. I strongly recommend you seek them out. They can help you take your focus off of your husband and put it on yourselves.
We don't realize how distorted our thinking has become as a result of living with alcoholism. We, without knowing it, become our alcoholics' enablers. An Al-anon slogan that I live by is
Let go and Let God. Just this little slogan took some of the burden of living with an alcoholic off my shoulders.
((momofjems)) We hear you. Please keep coming back.
It works if you work it.
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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
Howdy momofjems. The steps typically are worked with a sponsor over a period of time but it's good to get a grasp of what they mean from the get go.
The concept of powerlessness is tough. It is tough to set boundaries without some hope that the boundaries will force a change. However, this is all so that you detach some and you wont feel like your whole life is falling apart and that everything is resting on your husband and if he gets sober or not.
The concept of this being "none of your business" - That is confusing at first because this is all unacceptable to your and the rest of the family. So in that aspect, it is your business. You will never like the idea or actuality of him drinking. You don't have to like it to accept that you can't control it. You may have to lay down boundaries that will be almost as hard or harder on you to follow through with than on him, but ultimately are needed in order for you to feel good about yourself and true to yourself.
So basically, the idea here is that Alanon will aid you to branch out, form a better relationship with your HP, have better supports, more confidence, and it will set you free from being prisoner to him and his alcoholism. The idea is to take that caring you have and put it into yourself and your HP and stop sending all the "caring" towards his alcoholism. You may still care about him, but alanon will give you tools to care for him vs. caring for his disease and enabling it.
As for rehab: He could go but careful what you wish for. People only succeed with rehab when they are able to commit to going to regular meetings and a complete lifestyle change afterwards. Sobriety involves a spiritual awakening and that is rare for people to have. Most people drink themselves out of jobs, family, relationships, and some out of their freedom before that starts to happen. Hence, it leaves you with this awful feeling like you are being forced to watch a train wreck occur, that you know it is going to happen, but can't stop it. It is truly like being forced to watch someone commit slow suicide. It's torture and the alcoholic cannot grasp how selfish and cruel it is to make their loved ones experience that.
So...it does sound like alcoholism is really infiltrating your marriage and home. There are some things you can do and learn with alanon that will help. See if you can't start meetings soon too and start looking for a sponsor. He can blame you for his drinking, but that does not mean you ever have to accept the blame or even argue with him about it. Basically, with practice you wind up handing him back his own disease each time he tries to dump it off on you. Buying him liquor or being the one to say it is okay or not for him to drink is going to put you in a horrible position. It is a set up for you to do battle with alcoholism and alcoholism is more powerful than you. Hence, you stop doing battle with his disease and let him and his higher power do that. Detaching is tricky, but it's needed.
Prayers and keep coming back! You made a good move seeking out help for yourself.
I see clawing your way out as a good sign that you are a scrapper...I like that. Being at the bottom is surrender (which you will learn is what is essential for your healing)...it means something different than what we have been taught. Clawing out means to me that you are willing to do what it takes to set you free. Again, we have been taught so many things that are irrelevant and harmful when it comes relationships and then when we try to apply them to a relationship with an alcoholic....oh holy moly. It makes us even nuttier.
If you work the recovery program through al anon, you will be set free. Blessings for you, your husband and your family. You do have to let go of what you want his life to be...that is simple, yet, very hard. Turn your love, nourishment and caretaking to you, now, ASAP. This is not selfish, it is necessary for your life. Your kids want a happy mama and that is a gift you can give them
Welcome Momofjems I have no more to add to the beautiful suggestions and support you have received form our MIP family . Just remember that each of us has felt as you do now and found the help and support we needed in alanon.
The 12th Step states "Having had a Spiritual Awakening as a result of these Steps, we try to carry this message to others and practice these principles in all our affairs. There is hope.
I had a lot of problems with my alcoholic wife that were very similar to yours. I did buy her wine sometimes, once because we were in the middle of a local small grocery store and she threatened to scream if I didn't let her buy it. Personally I didn't care if she screamed for me, I didn't want her to embarrass herself. Then, once because I just bought it myself because I figured sit was better for me to buy it for her than for her to drive out and get it. Just like you are saying. After having gone to a couple of Al Anon meetings I discovered that I had been helping my wife have unacceptable behaviors. They were things I never would have participated in with anyone else outside my family, so why would I participate in these behaviors with my wife?
I urge you to get to an Al Anon face to face meeting and also to get some literature while you are there. The Merry Go Round of Denial is very good. Understanding about detachment and really what is enabling and how destructive it is is very good as well. There was a point where I got to where I completely stopped all enabling, I. Wife got two DUIs that way, the second she had to sit in jail for 10 days. After that she decided to change her life. The whole situation was awful, and horribly expensive, but I now have a recovering wife. Without her jail and court stints, she would probably still be sucking down pints of vodka and passing out on the couch.
I can relate, its horrible living this way and it doesnt have to be this way. It realky sounds like you need your own recovery program. Alanon meetings, this forum and reading alanon literature will help you.
hugs momofjems. It is like being caught in a waking nightmare,and we do all understand the pain,the anger,the fear the deepest wish that the one we love would just stop destroying themselves and us in the process. How frustrating it is to see clearly what's wrong yet be so utterly unable to fix it with logic,love or patience.nor desperation,anger,violence,joining in. So we come here to learn a new love,a different patience and a logic that applies to living with the effects of alcoholism a family disease. Reading your posts,urgent self care is needed. Please eat something,even if its just soup. With all the emotional turmoil going on,its all too easy to get worn down and fall into pacifying the addict any way you can just to get a quick hit of peace. I sincerely doubt he will leave,for in my experience,alcoholics are very difficult to get rid of. And when they do go,their addict brain believes the door is merely decorative of the house,erego,in one way or another,they'll be back,when it suits them. I'm damn sure no human being wants to settle for that,but after years of learning these behaviours,we practice and then become. Whatever you decide for today,its ok. There is another way,there is a whole heap of understanding,educational resources and support. When you're ready.
-- Edited by aquamom23 on Sunday 12th of October 2014 05:53:58 AM
Dear momofjems....I have absolutely nothing to add to the beautiful responses you got here already, I just got on to welcome you to the program...You showed up here...You opened your heart to us who are strangers...You posts show guts and you want to help yourself....ALL things that tell me you are a winner and a survivor and who can thrive in this program.....I just wanted to stop in and welcome you to alanon...Coming here was your FIRST step to reclaiming a life and a livable life for you and those kids...Ive been in your spot...alanon was my freedom to be responsible for and to take care of only me...i now let the others pay the consequences for their deeds....if i step out of the way and let them crash and hit bottom, that is my only hope that they will get sick and tired of being battered by their choices and reach out for help.....I have an alcoholic brother whom i love....i let him suffer the consequences of his drunken choices...i do that not to be mean, but to take care of me and to allow him to learn the lessons he needs for his journey in this life.............please keep coming back....this alanon works.....I am so very glad u reached out....you are SO NOT alone in your struggle....i relate big time to your situation.......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
