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Its been a busy 4 month or so.....things began to really change for me in July, early in the month...
My daughter #2 called me and said "I miss my mommy" and I told her that I missed her too, but right is right..wrong is wrong and boundaries are sincere.....so we met in sorta between our yards ..Well on my side on the grass by the sidewalk facing her yard....She hugged me and didn't want to let go..that kinda hug that tells you your child truly is hugging you with her heart.......I patted her head, tugged her dark, shiny pony tail and told her that I would ALWAYS 4ever love her, but sometimes tough love is in order....We talked and hugged, and she admitted she was a little "turd" and she shared w/me some of her frustrations that she was unfairly taking out on me...we had a good talk...I told her I missed her and I missed my grandson, the little guy I helped enter this world, I was the one who made the "glove save" as he exited his mother's warm, safe body and entered this place called "the world" ..I was the first to touch him..Smell him...Held him for the nurses while the gave him his first shot and the medicine for his little eyes....I wrote his name on his birth certificate...My choice of his name...My baby girl gave me that honor...So yea I missed him so bad, too ..AND as she and I were talking, he ran out of the house and made a beeline for me, yelling "gramma gramma" and jumped all over me when he got to us and i played w/him as my girl and I talked...A lot was accomplished and we are drawing closer, with me a bit wary, but open..willing...where there is life there is hope...I have hope for a restored relationship w/ my "C"...My little "poopnagel" I call her...
On a sad note, Daisy, my big fat, rolly polly black labrador retriever in mid July began to not be able to get up to use the restroom outside..She would squeek and cry for me to help her and how do ya lift a 125# doggie?? you don't....I don't have carpets so i would grab her under her shoulders and gently tug as she slid along w/me and when she got outside , she would take care of business and waddle back in the house and be exhausted...It got worse and worse..She began to cry a bit even when she didn't have to "go"......On July 15th I had to have her put down...She told me that morning with those big brown soulful eyes of hers that she was ready to go home...It was hard..very hard, I cried..Felt terrible AND , afterwards when the "letting go" or "giving her back to creator" was complete, the 2 pit bulls looked for her and little baby pittie acted out for a week or so, getting into the trash and i just let her work through her grief , picking up the trash, and she is now 2nd in line to the throne and best buds w/the 4 year old pittie..The two of them rule the place...I just pay the bills...
My dear friend and handyman up the street lost his job in the construction company whom he worked for. Loyal service and they really did him a bad turn (won't go into it but it was bad) and so I decided after Daisy's passing, I would "get a new kitchen" I hired my handyman/friend to re-do my kitchen...new paint, new hardware, new face lift...I needed a new kitchen with happy colors and he needed a job...We went to lowes and I guess i must be feeling better about life..about me...about recovery b/c the colors i picked were pastel...happy...sunny....a pastel "sorta toasted wheat" color w/ nice white trim...cute pine knobs and a lovely set of white folding doors for the laundry closet and food pantry....
while he was doing that, I went through my garage and found this UGLY bucket of LOUD pink paint that only a pot smoker would appreciate, sitting along side this equally LOUD and UGLY bucket of blue paint..both colors were horrible.......I thought "what if" as i looked at the over abundance of white paint that i had....so i mixed...using containers that i had saved over the years to hold my "new creations" and i got the most beautiful pastel pink for my parlor that i spongue painted and with the blue i got this easy, breazy pastel blue that makes you sooo relaxed for my office and guest bedroom.....my master bedroom, hallways, and baths, and front hall, i took that "wheat" from the kitchen....took just one pail, as i knew we had over purchased and i began "pastelling" that yellow....and i did TWO weeks worth of spongue painting during and after my handyman completed my kitchen.....I got a NEW house, and the colors are SO cute...happy...pastel....reflecting one who is coming within her self...ALL on the cheap b/c I just sorta mixed and "whited" till I got what i wanted...
well that wasn't enough...i drug out all my muted clothes, the dark, dreary, muted colors, boring, old stuff that reflected an unhappy or at the very best bored with life lady and i donated them all to goodwill as , and this is funny....they had a 1/2 off sale on clothing and books...My two passions......all day on this one particular saturday AND to be every Sat, end of the month...WOW!!! .....I knew this would be a treasure hunt for me because WHO is gonna compete with a gal who wears a size 2???? I scored on an entire, great, happy wardrobe that really, i am amazed myself....it is unreal....summer stuff, fall stuff, spring, winter, I am clothed for any occasion and again...the colors are happy...of vibrant LIFE...my daughter loves the stuff i picked out...I got her some stuff too, cute tops that I knew she would like.......in aug, and sep they had month end 1/2 off sales and I raided them again, buying the cutest name brand stuff...WOW...with my budget I pulled it off w/out much of a drain.....
re: the house, i changed out the sliding glass door that was original with the house and literally falling apart and installed a beeeeutiful white, heavey, 2 paned slider that is gorgeous and looks great against the kitchen and parlor colors....winter, Bring it on!! I am ready for you!! this door is gonna save me a lot of heat and/or AC b/c it does NOT leak anywhere....
LOTS of change...LOTS of GOOD change...and oh yea, credit card is like low 2grand, but ya know what??? I am not afraid....HP guided me to do this ME and my house makover and I am going along for the ride....I get loads of compliments on how great and vibrant i look and it feels good....I needed to just "overhaul" me from A-Z...
the topper was late august....my old ford ranger truck 2001, with only 112k miles on it began to leak engine oil....BAD...and it was , after 3 opinions from trusted mechanics, i needed an engine job....low miles....not a fair shake for me, but heck..i had the thing 14 years almost...Yea, the timing stunk, but i looked at it as a "nudge" to change...I researched, asked mechanics and decided to go to the Honda dealer on Sep 1, labor day and shop....NO expectations...truck wasn't gonna die today, just to SHOP...my sales rep, a nice tall guy, very well spoken and a brillilant smile said to me after i reeled off my "this is what i want or i am walking" he told me to sit down...he thought he had the car for me....As I waited, i thought to myself...Ive been saving $$ since the crash of '08..Stashing what I could out of my paychecks and also my brothers money he left me when he passed, so not to worry, I will be alright...I knew what i could spend and still feel like i had SOME backup.....the rep comes back to the "pre-owned" section and hes got this SUV, Honda CRV series, 2013, white...gorgeous auto....I am thinking "what the H?????" I can't buy THAT!!!! he shows me the sales ticket and he says to me that this car was driven by ONE guy who leased it from this same dealer and they (dealer) are strict about lessees getting in for maintenance checks and oil changes, etc......the car was maintained religiously and "before you say no!! lets take it for a ride" I am thinking "geeee I CAN afford this" but SHOW ME THE CARFAX......FIRST!!! so we look at the carfax and sure enough, there is the history of the car, oil changes, tire rotations, check this, etc., all clean bill of health, etc. (32,290 miles on it) the guy had it a year and a half, and he parked it in his garage, he kept it clean....Took good care of it....in fact he liked it so much, he traded it in aug, for a brand new version of same car........so here i am looking at the carfax and yea, its clean.....
so we jump in and i get behind the wheel and i can't tell a THING how you work the instruments....usb music player, cell phone accommodations, all KINDS of gimicks I have no clue about..the owners manuel is as big as a hard cover dictionary, there is a camera to see who you are running over when you back up, and the instrument panel, looked like the houston station where they launch rockets...it even tells me how my "oil is doing" OH YEA and it also tells me when / if a tire is low....this car does everything but comb your hair......
my rep shows me the basics and i am checking the mirrors, and making sure seat is just right and we go for a "stroll in my new chariot"......it was PERFECT....i always wanted an SUV and one reliable...and since my daughter's Honda, I became a fan of these cute, snappy, durable cars/SUV's ..mine is not real big...enough for my dogs in the back and me and my kiddos in the front and back seats.....oh yea, we drove a few miles and I was in "love"....
I got a bit down on the price ...trade in wasn't so much, but i got 2k for the truck and of course they give you a "deal" if your writing a check and not executing a note payable, b/c they don't have to worry about repos and the like, so i walked away with a new car and a big smile on my face.....AND still have a decent "stash" in the bank in case something happens
Yep its been a spending spree that would make national news if ya knew how frugal and tight i am.....my ex told me i was as tight as a frog's butt and you KNOW the frog's butt has to be water tight
but ya know?? I DONT CARE.....I am worth it as maybellene says.....so with my new duds and my new car, newly redeco'd house I am good to go....I have been going out, hanging out w/my family and my friends.....still working (after this spree i will be working till they plant me) but again WHO CARES?? I am not gonna take it with me....
now its "pay off the card" time and just hanging out and enjoying "doing me"....thats what I am doing...I am "doing me" and enjoying it and still working out at the gym, running 3 miles almost every day and OH got a BUNCH of non fiction books at the 1/2 off sales at GW and so when winter comes i have plenty to read....
I roam about my house and i look at the colors now and pics of the old color scheme....and i think "yea, its my address, alright" but holy moly I went on a tear, didn't I???
When i think I am not progressing in recovery, all i have to do is look at the fearless changes i made not just the house, car, clothes, etc., yea, that is a by product of what happened INSIDE of me...what HAS been happening inside of me.....I see a softer me...I see one who is not afraid anymore to be wrong....I see someone who is tough as nails when she has to be, but with vulnerable ones I am as squishy as a sneaker full of puppy poop.....I am more 4giving OR when, like today, someone calls me something very bad, i just consider the source...i have a young boss who , today, called me a liar over something REALLY trivial....I just looked at him and said "I am grateful that your opinion of me does not define me...I define me" and i shut down the convo by walking away and going back to my desk....I told myself to consider the source, he treats his own father badly, so consider the source....its not my problem....and i actually was able to blow it off.....I told his dad about it b/c he had heard "something not right" going on from his room in the back end of office and we talked as i was driving home so i filled in the blanks for him...he was appalled that his son would do that.....i told "dad" no worries, he is projecting his own junk onto me...not to worry...I asked Creator to soften "sonny boy's" heart re: his treatment of his dad as I don't care what he thnks of me but it makes me sad to see him be crappy to his dad who founded that company...
so its been a lot of inward changing going outward in me...and i am living life...doing me....hanging out w/my daughter and NO!! I am not holding high expectations, but that does not mean I can't enjoy her during the good days, and lovingly detach during the not so good days....I can "scope out" if she is in "that mode" and I can just say "see ya later" got something to do and chill!!!! its OK...
Daughter #1 is doing great...she is going camping in So. MD for the last weekend b4 it gets too cold and old coda me, i am telling her to bring warm socks and blankets, and "don't get a chill so you catch anothr cold" LOL...she assured me she had plenty of layers of clothes and told me I was the best mom and she loved me....I never part from my children w/out telling them "i love you" even when I was backed off from D#2, and we would speak, i would tell her I loved her....when i was really backed off and it would be lots of days I didn't talk with her, i told Creator i loved her and to please convey it to her.....yea its a thing w/me....i want my kids and my sisters in my heart and my A brother and the ones i love to know it so i say it....those 3 sacrosanct little words mean so much to me IF sincere b/c ya know?? I may be gone, they may be gone, there are no guarantees in life.....
THAT is why I decided to LIVE it....MY WAY!!!!
Thanks for letting me stop in.....I work my recovery with some long time recovery mates and we are a loving bunch and it keeps me busy.....I do think about all of you whom I have grown close to, you who have seen me at my worst and stuck by me, and even those of you who would rather I go "poof" and disappear, ALL of you, friend or not, have taught me a lot...I am grateful for that...It matters not what spirit was behind the words....The main thing is, I LEARNED a lot on this board......I think the best way to give thanks is to recycle that good...which is what I do
Thanks for letting me share!!! PEACE to all!!!!
-- Edited by neshema2 on Friday 10th of October 2014 08:47:49 PM
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Well, I was thinking about you yesterday. You sound marvelous...love the pastel colors and the purging of drab and dreary. I am so sorry about your dog. It hurts to see them suffer and hurts to let them go. Great to hear from you! I have missed you on the board.
((((((((((((((((((Paula))))))))))))) so sweet of you to say "hey" ya know part, a BIG part of my change is when i went to nutritionist/holistic expert along w/my research and i got on 600 mg. daily of st. johns wort (highly touted for anxiety/mood stabilizer/depression) and its been my miracle...along w/my low dose klonopin i also take L-theanine to help my gabba which is the "peace maker" of the brain....I cannot even begin to tell you how "level" it has made me......it took a couple of weeks for it to "kick in" and begin to work, but i kept my patience and gave it a chance and gradually i began to feel like , i mean, i feel about as good as one can w/my condition....I don't get my ptsd/anxiety symptoms HALF as bad as i used to....no depression, yea, i get sad over REAL losses, but i can work through it....these 2 herbal thingys are a miracle.....i talked w/my doc about them and she said "oh yea, i heard about both of them" she supported me doing this.....i have weaned down, i take HALF of what i used to on the klonopin....used to take like 1.5 gram, now i take .5 in am.....25 (pill broken in half) in pm and I am good to go....also valerian root for sleep and i wake up interested, feeling human........really, i forgot to mention thsi in my post....if it can help someone??? great...but its a miracle for me....i've been on them since Daisy passed away...maybe 1st of august....can't tell u the difference in how i feel....when i am sad now, its real...i can get through it and i am not as "ocd" about my windows and doors, no where near.....can't say enough about these 2 , i think one is an amino acid and the other is the herb, but i can get st. johns at walmart for cheap...l-theanine is expensive $20 at gnc for 60 pills...i take 2 per day....1 st. johns....they work...........thanks for replying......i just had to share all the stuff thats been going on......yea, I still miss Daisy...she was a rescue pet, i found her..dumped..hungry...alone...took her in and that was omg...2006 i think.....she had to have been about 13 to 14 when she passed............big hugs to you
-- Edited by neshema2 on Friday 10th of October 2014 10:22:00 PM
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Neshema, So great to hear your update . I really love all the fantastic changes you have made and am so very happy for you. You are correct the change must happen on the inside before it can manifest in the outside world. You have worked hard and it paid off.
Good work my friend.
Hey ((((((Betty))))) I am looking at your smile and thinking if you and I were walking in a cave I would not need any candles or flashlight...that smile would light our way for sure.....U look GREAT!!!!!
yea, yours truly did a lot of stuff...at first I was like "uncomfortable" b/c the changes were so big, but i just kept saying and believing it was MY TURN NOW.....change is scary...even good change, but i don't want to be just a dreamer anymore...I want to do the doables....and ask/visualize re: the big "maybe can't do's on my power" and ya never know...
my handyman who lost his job and we in the neighborhood are trying to keep the guy doing stuff , and hes getting majorally depressed...I am telling him, please don't give up, just keep trying, i'll help you on facebook and we can get your sign in my yard and business cards out.....he started to "perk up" and little jobs came here and there....THEN we got hit with a major storm a week ago, thursday ...83mph winds...i had minor roof damage...
.HE got a TREE the size of godzilla go through his roof and into his parlor.....insurance adjuster came out and guess what???? HE gets to do the floor, sheet rock repair and he gets $25 per hour for the labor.......it isn't all THAT much, but enough work for him to catch up on some things.....i had to laugh...he and I are looking at his house and smart mouth me, I says to him "hey, you got a sun roof in your house" b4 ya know it, his tears dried up and he laughed....THEN the adjuster agreed to let him contract the work that he will do........it took a danged tree through his living room to get him a job........aint life grand???? if i didn't make fun of it, I would cry but I just keep making today the best today i can and hope it gives me a good tomorrow........
HP was good to me....i had minimal roof damage...under $500 so of course it didn't meet my deductible.....i got my handyman to do the work adn b/c i helped him get work, he did the roof, replaced 8 shingles, battened down the good ones that were loose, checked the roof, AND mowed my yard ALL for $20......I was like "yaaaay, i actually got some money left in my checkbook" LOL.......yea, its been a ride!!!!! I am hoping that all i do this weekend is hang out with daughter #2 AND read some of my non fiction books i got at the thrift shop...i got some goodies....HUGS, my good lady!!!!
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Nice surprise this morning, great to hear from you neshema. You sound brilliant. Love all these changes you have made, good for you. Ive missed you here, hope you are back for a wee while.x
Hi! Glad to hear from you and about you. A new truck. A different relationship to your daughter. New changes in your house and in your health. Good stuff, sister.
Nice surprise this morning, great to hear from you neshema. You sound brilliant. Love all these changes you have made, good for you. Ive missed you here, hope you are back for a wee while.x
Hey el-cee.....put in a lot of work on me....this program is a miracle, really.....i feel much better about ME..who i am...what i am....and the suppliments, i know helped...I really think i had mild depression along w/anxiety/PTSD....makes sense b/c i would be "good" one day and "not so good" another.....let life /emotions control me on some days, be ok on others...so with the suppliments and the program steps, sharing, et al, yea, I feel tons better.....NICE to see you too....I was missing some of you and thought "i am gonna stop in and say HEY to you all"......we now have rain...cold front...i walk in my parlor headed to kitchen and that nice new sliding door, is really holding out the chill and in my heat.........I missed you too, lady........
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Hi! Glad to hear from you and about you. A new truck. A different relationship to your daughter. New changes in your house and in your health. Good stuff, sister.
hey Grateful, i know my "drive thru" post was a loong buggar, but i had much to share....i shared the junky stuff with you guys, so i was thinking of you and my other recovery buddies and thought "i am gonna share the good stuff with them"....i just got up.,...cloudy, had rained all night...cold front today, only in 60's after being high 80's yesterday....cloudy...staying in and reading weather......so how goes retirement??? U having fun??? hope u r enjoying yourself....I try to look in on you guys, but i get so busy living and working my recovery with my old time recovery mates and my sponsor is back in the saddle, so yea, recovery goes on....I DO hope U R enjoying yourself retired.....after this spending spree, LOL, NO retirement for me, but ya know??? it isn't so bad...i get more days off AND i am meeting my needs....i wold probably get bored just hanging out at home, unless i had plenty of money to travel and visit loved ones and i am not much of a travellor....so what the heck.....good to see ya, sister
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Hey there Neshema! Great to hear from you. I am so glad you and your daughter are on good terms for now. I know that was hard stepping back. Sorry to hear about the doggie! :(
Hey there Neshema! Great to hear from you. I am so glad you and your daughter are on good terms for now. I know that was hard stepping back. Sorry to hear about the doggie! :(
Haaaaay Mark....U have fun on honeymoon??? WOW, Russia...my dream place to visit.....bet you guys had a blast.......great to see you reply here....yea, it was tough distancing myself from D#2, but she missed me and had a "gee I miss mom, I better treat her better" moment, LOL.....i am taking it one day at a time...she is supposed to come over this weekend so i can cut and style her beautiful hair.....i have to cut her some slack...4 kids is hard to manage....AND she works pt at the auto shop where hubby has opened business......yea the children miss my doggie....ohh it was sad telling 3 yr. old g/son Adrain that Daisy had to go to heaven b/c she wanted to feel better.......he loved that old dog, climbing on her and burying his face in her soft fur.....................so tell me how is life treating you???? adjusting to a marriage can be exciting challenge, LOL...........nice to see you.....:)
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
All is well here :) My sponsor says "Can't complain" a lot when asked how he is. I laugh at that and respond that I know I can complain because that is all I ever used to do. LOL. Seriously though, there is nothing for me to complain about. Life is good today!
I was so happy when I read your post. So happy for you! The house and SUV sound wonderful. Glad to hear you are having a relationship with your daughter and grandson. I am also sad about reading about the passing of your dog. The same thing happened to our Sparky almost a year ago. It is so hard to let them go, but it is kinder to them. I still miss all the dogs we have lost, they were part of the family. I was wondering where you have been...now I know... Out living life LARGE!!!! Good for you! Keep on...keeping on!
All is well here :) My sponsor says "Can't complain" a lot when asked how he is. I laugh at that and respond that I know I can complain because that is all I ever used to do. LOL. Seriously though, there is nothing for me to complain about. Life is good today!
(smiling) my sponsor is an A, sober since 1988, i think, I knew her b4 and since recovery...we go waaay back to early 80's shes my family...my sister in my heart....former detective for Seattle PD...quit when her husband was murdered by some addict while he was in his car.....anyway, she says the same thing "can't complain and if i did who wold give a S***??????" i laugh at her...love her dearly....she gets on me lovingly when i am on the pity pot.........and yep....life is good today....amen brother Mark!!! and today is all we got....I was so happy for you and Chuck and jealous over where you guys went on honeymoon, LOL........
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I was so happy when I read your post. So happy for you! The house and SUV sound wonderful. Glad to hear you are having a relationship with your daughter and grandson. I am also sad about reading about the passing of your dog. The same thing happened to our Sparky almost a year ago. It is so hard to let them go, but it is kinder to them. I still miss all the dogs we have lost, they were part of the family. I was wondering where you have been...now I know... Out living life LARGE!!!! Good for you! Keep on...keeping on!
awww. nice to see you.....LOVE my SUV.......THIS go around, since i knew i had to replace truck and this, perhaps may be my last car, who knows, I got what I WANTED...yea, its "new used" to save some $$ but w/my low mileage driving, hey!! its the soup de jour for me......and thank u re: my daughter...shes a good kid...dad is an A , not in recovery and its hard on the kid...i do cut her some slack, but i don't let her step on me, either..its a thin line, but we are TODAY, goin good.....thanks to all of you for the kind words about Daisy...she was a sweet pet...i feel sorrier for the children then i do me...they loved her...your Sparky and my Daisy are in the happy place frolliking amongs the flowers and we will see them again.......i do miss my lost pets, as well....some of them i still grieve over...the ones i raised as pups and had that special bond with....but i loved them all...each one had something special to offer me........hahaha "living life LARGE" yep....my sponsor is real proud of me, its funny the more daring i got...the more daring i got....1st the house paint...then ordered the door custom made....then tossed and changed out my entire wardrobe save for a few cute favorite things....THEN by the time the car replacement came, I was like "ok, lets rock and roll" i was so pleased, getting what i wanted, that it kinda over rode the fear of "omg...spent all this $$" i will pay off the c/card...I will stash , after card is paid off, more $$ bit by bit and ya know?? it will be what it will be....I am learning that whatever...I am gonna be OK.....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Love it my friend. Please keep coming back-- Love hearing all this good stuff