The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So it's been almost 3 months since my ex AH dropped me by text, no apology, nothing. Although for my part I know it's made things far easier and I'm grateful that he hasn't tried contacting me. When we would previously split he would relentlessly contact me, one minute pouring his heart out, the next being spiteful because I wouldn't agree to see him and told him his behaviour was unacceptable. He'd wear me down until I would feel awful about everything and give in a get back with him only for the same old pattern to be repeated. Although I feel heaps better in myself than I did 3 months ago, I'm no longer anxious, stressed, feeling like I'm going insane but instead am relaxed and happy and enjoying being on my own. My serenity has returned! On the other hand I'm experiencing not so much anger, but complete and utter disbelief that someone who claimed to love me so much they wanted to marry me and who told me that last time we split for 3 months the pain was so intense he almost drank and drugged himself to death until he ended up in hospital, that someone who claimed to have that depth of feeling for me could just drop me, by text, and no contact since. The part that does make me angry is that for the whole time we were together I didn't once drink, not even when I was out for a meal with friends on my own because I felt guilty if I did (plus I would be relentlessly questioned why it was ok for me to have a glass of wine with friends and not him so it just wasn't worth the hassle!) I totally supported him emotionally, cooked for him (we didn't live together as I refused to), took him on holidays, bought him gifts, paid every time we went out for lunch/dinner (not that the money matters, I just felt like I was giving and arranging nice things for us to do). So after giving and giving and detaching everytime he decided to walk out on me over nothing and a few relapses that he actively chose to do, even told me he was going to drink, after one relapse he told me he'd been to a meeting one night and then the following morning. When I asked if he'd drank because that was highly unusual he actually screamed a whole load of abuse down the phone at me, told me he was done, hung up and had nothing to do with me for the next week other than the odd text claiming he was going to meetings every night. So a couple of weeks later my friends invite me out and he decides to text saying how great it would be if I would go back with him. I didn't see the message as my phone was in my purse. Within 10 minutes he'd started up on the verbal assault saying I was obviously out with my friends and how they always came first (I hadn't actually seen my friends the whole time we had been back together so not sure how they came first!) so I replied asking him to leave it and I'd speak to him in the morning. He spat at me how I was too drunk to type, which I wasn't, and to never contact him ever again. I just truly can't believe that after 18 months of his walking out on me, accusations and verbal assaults shortly followed by relapses he could get so furious that I was out with friends that evening. We weren't even together, he'd told me to clear off the previous weekend! But it just really gets me that after everything I helped him with and how much he claimed to love me he could just drop me like that, over my being out with friends!
Flossie: I learned that if I give because it feels right to do, then the outcome doesn't matter. Your x is stuck in the past if he's texting you 18 months after walking out on you and angry because you are out with friends. He's not dealing with reality but the past in memory form. A very sick person who is dying from a disease and won't listen to the wake up calls and get help for themselves can't love themselves and so they can't love us. It sounds like you have moved on pretty much in your mind and heart? Good for you. Nothing's changed for him. A lot has changed for you.
Remember that drink or drugs makes their emotions crazy. Where a normal person might feel a little annoyed and not express it, a drunk alcoholic will feel rage and pour it all on you. Add to that that this guy sounds incredibly impulsive. (Alcohol will also help that impulsivity but my experience is that impulsive types also become alcoholics.) So when he's in pursuit of you, it's no holds barred. When he's rejecting you, it's utter rejection. When he's insulting you, it's insults to the max. Crazy-making behavior from a crazy person. Thank heavens you're no longer in an actual relationship with this person. You got out while the getting was good! And he's just proving the wisdom of that over and over.
