The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel like ive reached another stage of my recovery. I have became aware that im still angry. I thought I had dealt with it because It passed after a few months in and I felt some compassion for the first time along with being able to forgive for the first time too. What I didnt realise was that I had only scratched away a layer of my anger and there has been some deeper anger below the surface that I had either ignored or denied.
When I first got into alanon and began working the program, anger came over me and it was strong and powerful. Everytime I came into contact with my ex at this time I was releasing this anger and I could have done him an injury. It was like waking up to realise someone had treated you badly behind your back for years. I felt tricked and abused. Then over a short bit of time I felt better and it changed and I could see he was never bad just sick and then I realised I was sick too with my own set of bad behaviours.
What I didnt realise is that its not like a to do list where you just tick the list and I think I was looking at it that way, like, anger, check, whats next? Im still angry, its not the same seething anger and its not so much directed at my ex this time. Its more about being angry that I spent almost 20 years bringing my children up in an alcoholic home. Im 43 now, those years are gone, my youngest is 17, and im sad that its gone and its too late to change the facts of the way these years were. I was miserable for the whole of my 20s and most of my 30s, that was my child rearing years. Gone, wasted in a way.
I am feeling a bit sorry for myself to be honest, although, I dont have any blame attached except for myself in a way. Im a bit angry or maybe just sad that it turned out this way. This forum has helped me because when I read some of the new people who are still deep In it I can get a bit panicky, it takes me back and I see myself and the same denial. Its hard to see. Its like looking at yourself, your old self and I want to shout and ball at myself. I know I wouldnt or couldnt hear people if they told me anything close to the bone back then so I know the gentle approach works with people because it stops them getting defensive so they are more open to hear you. I find it hard to take this approach and I think this is the reason why. Its my story too and reading it over and over hurts to be honest.
Maybe ive got a bit more forgiving to do and compassion to get but for myself this time. Thanks for reading.
I hear you ((((hugs)))). When I was a little girl I had a temper and I clearly remember my mother talking to her friend about me and saying 'oh it is mostly herself that she gets angry with.' So true! It is only now that I am learning to be more gentle with myself and that is a lesson for which I am truly grateful. When my fury at AH died down a bit I started to think the things that you've talked about here. How could I have let myself blah, blah, blah. And so the lesson began. I'm learning and in truth that is all I've ever wanted, to learn.
Elcee, nothing is wasted in my humble opinion, and you are a wise and special lady - with beautiful butterfly wings btw! I've always believed that we treat others as we wish to be treated ourselves, but it is only now that I realise that this advice is something that I can apply to myself as well. Be gentle with you my friend.
You did what you could do with what you had at that time. I understand the pain of looking back and feeling you wasted time but in other hand your experience and wisdon are changing so many lives. You helped me chang my life and I am extremely grateful. ((((LC))).
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
You continue to make this program work for you, elcee. I do love seeing that you are seeing that compassion is in order for you! The critic that lives in all of us can just sit down and be still now, leaving you alone. She's probably had her say for years from her seat with the committee that lives in our heads. Now, another voice might like a turn to speak? Perhaps your HP has a whole different way of seeing you and what you did and how you did it so many years ago? Listen if you choose. And I hope you do. You are much more than the voice of the critic would ever want you to believe, L. Much, much more.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 9th of October 2014 04:48:38 PM
when soneone shares an it touches my heart the i wish I could fix their hurt, I've learned were each on our own journey but I can say a prayer for you!
We are the same age elcee and my experience is also that my entire 20s and over half of my 30s were a blur of dysfunction. Of course for me, that encompasses both alcoholism and relationships with alcoholics. I am not angry though because it's brought me here. I still experience some things new now that probably should have happened years ago but it is cool and exciting. Plus, at 42, I am neither old or young. I can make my life into what I want. I have lots in front of me. I used to be angry that I was the one born gay, that it was me that had issues with depression and anxiety, that I couldn't just have what I thought was a "normal" life with kids and wealth like my siblings. I never figured recovery would give me more than what I was formerly angry and sad over missing. I love being career driven and a newlywed at 42. I'm going to enjoy this time and truly THANK GOD I didn't blow my 40s, 50s, and the rest of my life away on alcohol and horrible relationships. We are blessed to have this recovery.
I am surprised at how young you are. You seem so wise for one so young
Barbara Sher says until you are 40, you don't even know who you are. You have so many good years ahead of you--many more than the years of the locust.
I am sorry your 20s and 30s couldn't have been the way you wanted. And you might not be this deep if rhey had been.
And maybe you'd have liked to make the choice yourself, and you might have traded rhe depth for a little more width.
I love being a witness while you process. You're amazing. So courageous.
Lester Levenson, a very wise man, said the heirarchy of emotions is Apathy, Grief, Fear, Lust, Anger, Pride, Courageousness, Acceptance and Peace. And anger can be very uncomfortable and it is also progress.
Hugs, Temple
-- Edited by Temple on Thursday 9th of October 2014 05:54:21 PM
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Dear LC I do hear you and agree with all that has been posted. I have always said that my life started at 40 and got better at 50 because that is when I entered program and things began to make sense.
The 9th step asks that we make amends to all we have harmed and I placed myself at the top of that list. I am still making those amends by practicing program each day and being very gentle with myself .
Your motives were noble and your love and concern were not wasted. It is all a learning experience. Life must be lived going forward and understood in retrospect.
You are working this program so well. I congratulate you
((el-ce)) For me, there are so many layers to recovery- it's wonderful to have our MIP family to share the journey. A wise Alanoner once told me that it's ok to look back, just not to dwell there for too long.
What if you do an inventory on what kind of Mom you are today, elcee, since that is the only day that matters? (((L))) I don't know about you, but one of my defects is and was to look for what's wrong and not what's right with me. We don't grow looking at what is weak in us. We grow by seeing and capitalizing on what is strong and healthy in us and doing more of what we love than what we don't love. I'm going to list assets that I know are yours as my sister on this board: Honest, encouraging, affirming, self-caring, adventuresome, dedicated, committed, educated, educational, fun-loving, willing to risk, willing to care, willing to love, willing to be hurt in love and continue on, smart, wise, self-revealing, organized, structured, flexible.
(Another defect is that I re-read what I wrote, press the send button, and then find the mistakes I made. Geez! That's not one of yours, elcee. That appears to be a strength of yours to write, send and it stays in print with no edits.)
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 9th of October 2014 06:15:10 PM
Thankyou elcee. Your experience speaks to me in my now. Sometimes denial is seductive. I want to ask if you could have really done differently,or are you punishing yourself for an initial bad choice in the father? I punish myself daily about the latter,and can't change it now. But I do remember the Greif of stolen youth, 15 to 22 in an abusive relationship,the imprisonment of my twenties in a custody battle with said abuser. And in my 30s I sort of think I sold myself out. I don't know,sometimes freedom is such a new concept, one doesn't know what to do with it until they do,if that makes sense. My own mother is almost 60, like Allie macgraw she's never been more beautiful. She wouldn't be her without her experiences,and you and hotrod give me that same feeling. It's a trustworthy feeling.
Oh the years I spent believing I had bad choices and entertaining the "if onlys". I am now 61 and know that I made the choices I was guided to make because they were the way I could become who I was really created to be. I needed to be humbled, I needed to know compassion and I needed to learn boundaries (there is more, but I am keeping it short). So, I entered into relationships with addicts so I could learn my lessons. They played their part very well and so did I! Now I see my part, so no more playing!
You are an amazingly direct, honest woman, who I respect. You are committed to your recovery and committed to others who share on this board and it shows. I appreciate your presence here.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((el-cee)))))))))))))))))))) I hear ya....I STILL after all these years in recovery, get angry at times....a trigger...new memory....a word...gesture...smell....anything might set it off but i know what it is........AND the current anger when one steps on my boundaries or just does not treat me with the respect I deserve, BUT, the NEW me, I just, when the old stuff falls off the shelf and i can tell if it is old anger by my response/feelings....i go through the box I put the old life/memories in and I work through the anger/grief, then i put it BACK up on the shelf, and leave it there and as time goes by the "box" does not fall off the shelf so often.....re: new "anger moments" i feel and deal...then ask myself "how important is he/she/it????" if my anger is bigger than the current "irritant" then I know its old stuff I need to work step 4 on and i just go back to square one on it.....I get ya on the "tick---its done" i thought so too, but some stuff never completely goes away...some crimes are not even forgivable, but i make the best of it where I am....i took my life back..took my power back when i got into recovery and made that commitment to me.....yea, i have my anger/grief times, but i also know with honest work, this too shall pass and life is more good now then bad....I made it that way by only making the DECISION to make it so...to not let my emotions control me...yes, feel them..honor them...but I am driving the vehicle...not my emotions.........hope this made sense..............hugs
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
el-cee, I have never seen anyone as committed to the program as you. You are strong and persistent, but I also see you being very hard on yourself. I like Grateful's idea of an inventory list of the kind of Mom you are today.
Be kind and gentle with yourself.
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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
I am also having this sort of day/week/hour of emotions about regret and wasted time and self-anger at my own choices. I am SO grateful to be able to come here and now I am not alone--it's OK to not be perfect and it helps heal ourselves and each other to share our experiences. Tears falling down my cheeks right now. Just grateful for this program to help shed light into the darkness.
-- Edited by sookie on Sunday 12th of October 2014 03:11:18 PM
