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He has been quiet and keeping himself to himself lately, his moving out is all organised and he is agreeable with the separation. But I look at him and he looks so depressed and sad. It must be hard leaving the family home and not being able to see our daughter often. I am not backtracking, I know I gave him loads of ultimatums and I know he is an adult who made his own choices and now has to do with the consequences. I guess I am way too soft and forget things easily. I have to stop feeling sorry for him because this break up is not my fault even though I initiated it.
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
I used to spend a lot of time feeling sorry for my AH and it not only didn't help it made for two if us worrying about him and no one really taking care of me. It is so hard watching a family until come to an end and a relationship break up. It takes two to have a loving partnership and I am sure you would not be sticking to your boundaries if you did not have to. I know it is hard, please continue to practice self care and dive into your al-anon recovery. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
He actually makes it easy for me to snap out of it though. I forgot about that. I have a goldfish memory.
Few minutes after I wrote this post he had a go at me at the school playground in front of other parents. It was over something that doesn't make any sense at all (to a normal person at least it doesn't) and is to do with his own inability to communicate properly and think rationally. It is also a lot do do with his selfishness.
I was stunned. Yet again. But I am learning not to get sucked up in his drama and it is so hard! But do I want to be happy or do I want to be right? I know I am right anyway so I will now concentrate in not letting his behaviour spoil my happiness.
Anyway, his sad, depressed face is probably due to his hangover. But I still feel sorry for him that he needs a substance to carry him through life. But it isn't my problem is it? He is an adult. He doesn't need me taking care of him.
-- Edited by Luiza on Thursday 9th of October 2014 09:56:56 AM
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
My ex is very good at doing the sad face - breaking down into tears even if he thinks it will get the desired response, when it stopped working with me I was told I'd become so matter of fact about things.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
My AH is really good at crying...then he will quickly snap out of it and be angry with a mean tone of voice. Don't let his looks and tantrums get to you.
Then maybe if he gets depressed enough, then someday he will realize he has choices in life and act on a choice to go into recovery. You are doing him a favor by giving him natural consequences of his actions, hopefully he will wake up someday, but you don't have control over that, only over yourself. Keep it up!
Thank you guys.
I just don't understand why I have this concern about people thinking it is all my fault, I am causing the problems, I should be able to grin and bare the problems. I never cared much about what people think of me, but in this situation I find myself worrying about people not understanding my motives, specially STBX himself and his family.
Which are the tools and steps for this?
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
My goto tool for this is "It's none of my business what other people think of me". In the end, people are going to blame you for whatever they want to. They don't understand the realities of living with alcoholism. That's why we all come here so we can at least know where each other come from. All those people who blame you will either eventually fall away. Or they may also get it, once they have to deal with A directly without having you as a buffer, just like what happened on your holiday.
Luiza...celebrate the empathy and compassion you still have that isn't any longer covered up or diminished by anger and resentments. Empathy and compassion are creator given assets which allow us to care (love) and be cared (loved) with others. Although I have done it I now believe that those two spiritual emotions were never intended to keep another person sick or dead. Al-Anon taught me about allowing my alcoholic/addict and the other alcoholics in my life, the DIGNITY, of the consequences of their choices and today I will do that. "I'm sad with you about this condition -and- I'm positive that you can and will be able to turn it around". Today I can say that to another person who has the time, ability and facility to take care of their needs without interfering in it myself. The opposite of enabling could also be named ennobling. ((((hugs)))) and prayers for you and for him and the family.
Being affected by alcoholism meant I had a stronge urge to rescue and it was based on feeling really sorry for the situation the a was in. I stayed with my ex for years with this feeling. Its good that you see the facts around the emotions. With my son I got relief from this strong urge to rescue and feeling so sorry for him by thinking that maybe this is his path, living on his own might be good for him. He might actually get himself healthy, its not guaranteed but he might have the chance to feel the consequences of his own decisions with no one around him to blame and learn from it. just think of the peace of mind you will have and a calm home for you and your kids.
Realizing that you still feel compassion for him could be a help to you to speak honestly and kindly as you continue to do what you want to do for you and for your daughter. In some ways, we are dealing with teenagers on an emotional level. They might do some outrageous things that create or call for natural consequences. They might feel angry, depressed, sad and that might help wake them up to some things just aren't okay. We can care about our As. We can be kind. And we can still do what is necessary for us and enforce boundaries for ourselves.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 10th of October 2014 07:00:35 AM
Luiza, I have done a lot of self examination and I know I am extremely sensitive to the looks on people's faces. I always think I can read their minds, and sometimes I take the blame for their feelings. This is called codependency. I am reading a great book about codependency. It's helping me a lot.
I read a great book on codependency (Codependent No More- Melody Beattie). Makes perfect sense while reading but always difficult to actually apply. It's hard to break the cycle.
