The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Tens days in, and this has been really frickin' scary. A's non-drinking was going really well, no big cravings, some sweats, but overall better than expected. Then he started hallucinating. Minor, at first, but then it got so bad that he couldn't sleep. I never felt like I was in any danger, but it was very scary. The ER doc put him on benzos (not surprising), and he was finally able to sleep when we got back home.
Which, you know, would all be ok if I hadn't found empty vodka bottles under his bed. To be fair, I have no idea how old they are. But if he's putting me through this extremely stressful hell and lying to me about not drinking I'm out. I guess I should be thankful that I know where said line is, but there is a part of me that just wants to go down and shake him and demand to know how old those bottles are. Which will be of no help at all. So instead, I'm going to shower and get ready for work, and when he does get up just very calmly tell him where my line is. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Spider, I've been right there with ya. I've had arguments many times about how old the bottles were, pre- or post- recovery. Those arguments went nowhere, but they went nowhere in really fast circles, so I gave up on them. Otherwise I just had to make a decision of what I was going to deal with, just like you are now. I found a box of wine after she got back from inpatient the second time, I couldn't remember if it had been there from before or not, so I just piked up the box, brought it to her, and calmly said "what do you want me to do with this? I found it in the garage". She was taken aback, then said "throw it away". If she would have said "give it here, I want to down it" I would have done that, but what I would have done in the next 10 minutes would have been very different, and it wouldn't have involved yelling or belittling, it would have involved packing.
If he's not going to lots of meetings and reaching out...it's not recovery and don't expect it to last. Just saying this to help you stay out of "expectations." To me, someone is in recovery and earning trust when they are literally ENGAGING in recovery. In the early stages, that typically needs to be a daily thing...with a sponsor, step work...etc.
That is what I had to do to get sober. Other times were just me stopping for periods...once up to 4 months but I always went back.
This is difficult, yes, and you do have choices. That was not something I thought about until it was mentioned to me one eve after a meeting. He is not putting you through anything, you are making a choice to travel this path with him. That is a more empowering place to stand. Take good care of you...he can recover or not. From that stance you can choose what you will do for you and your life.
I have to agree with Pink, if and when ever my AH comes home, if he isn't doing recovery work every single day I know he isn't serious about recovery. And it's also true that in order to earn any kind of trust back, he has to be in recovery and really doing the work, otherwise I will know right away this was nothing more than a stopping period :)
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Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
