The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have to admit now after a few years in program and making a lot of the changes, things have gotten a lot better, especially in my thinking. I used to just live in crisis mode and walk around freaking out. Now when it happens it throws me for a loop, even when it's not a full blown deal. So my boyfriend of 6 months that is not an A and seriously the healthiest and most loving man I have ever met went out of town for work. Which has happened before, but this time he went out to a bar with his crew of 9 guys and that was new to me. He did text with me a little after work and told me they were going out and that he was the DD and they were having fun.
Because I have been through my exAH going on various training trips and deployments while he was in the marine corps and his going out and drinking always turned into him cheating, I had a little mini freak out. I talked myself through it and realize I am with someone I can trust and have to let go of my reaction. My exAH used to fall off the radar and my boyfriend would never do that to me. I did stop contacting him and wanted to pull back and shut down towards him a bit. While he was on his way home today he said he was sorry he didn't communicate with me much for the few days, and I understand he is working hard and I really don't want to be that high maintenance. He has gone out of town before and I was fine, but the combo of him going out the last night there I really had to work through some old stuff resurfacing. I talked it through with him tonight and he said he totally understands having been married to a cheater before also and he talked with me through it. I love how emotionally available and in tune he is. So I feel better and realize we are learning to trust each other and building our foundation together still. I just hate the old crap coming forward effecting me after I have done the work to get over my past and live in the present.
So I now am over and feel better and have to realize that after 15 years of being with my exAh even after a few years, I have work to do within to become more secure with letting myself be vulnerable without old fears screwing it up for me. My picker is no longer broken and I have to trust myself and my instinct, I haven't had any red flags and things are going very well. I will just relax and trust the process. The worst thing about my reaction I really wanted to back off and shut down and hide, instead I pushed through and talked to him about it and unlike my past it went really well and helped us grow through it. So at least I learned a lesson and can continue moving forward with my eyes and heart wide open. Sending you all love and support on your journey's!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
From here it looks as if you are doing so well. A little residual chunk of old fears, old conditioned reflexes came up and you handled it entirely differently. I would put a row of little guys applauding here if I could remember how.
And how cool it is that of 10 men going out that night, yours was the one who stayed sober. And when you mentrioned your reaction he didn't get mad! How normal is that!
Wonderful work.
Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Great work BF!!! It is not an easy road we travel but with alanon tools we grow, change and find serenity, wisdom and courage in each situation where we face our fears and act in a courageous manner.
BF: Considering what I know about your childhood and what I know about your relationship with the x - I'd say you have made tremendous shifts that are healthy for you and not easy at all. I'm not sure the stuff from your past won't resurface from time to time - things that happen to us change us - but the fact that you aren't willing to go there and stay there and have learned tools to pull you back into the present moment and the present man and the present relationship is impressive. I have known folks who define their present always by their past and can't do what you have done. I love that Kenny has put those guys up who are clapping and happy for you. I'm with them, too.
This is the model of recovery. You have fears and you work through them and grow. You don't just do the same thing over and over again. You sound self aware and more able to advocate for and express yourself in relationships. It feels good to have a more functional relationship doesn't it?
Wow Breakingfree, you give me hope for the future! These freak-outs have been a part of my life for a long time. I can feel these getting fewer the more I concentrate on getting myself better, but when they do happen it seems like everything rational shuts off for me and my head is full of stuff that might not even be reality! I am getting better at shutting this down, but it has been a real struggle. It sounds like you are doing so well with this...thank you for the hope! Sounds like you have found a really great guy.
Yes Pink it is amazing that I not only picked out a great caliber of man, but I am able to say what I mean and mean what I say without saying it mean and he is happy to hear it! The man is emotionally invested in me and wants me to not hide from him in any way. What a difference the program has made in me and my relationships in every way. I have never had a love like this and I am so giving credit to al-anon and everyone who have helped me grow through their ESH here in my MIP family and my beloved sponsor! This relationship has none of the old codependency or manipulation of old. We have handled and worked through things in a healthy manner already. I did the work and am reaping the benefits, we have both been married and learned a lot of great lessons for this relationship. We are not blaming our ex's but looking within for the changes we can make to be better now for ourselves and each other. We both have 2 daughters and have so much fun doing family oriented stuff together, he is a wonderful father. He was in the army and I am unsure why, but I always love me a military man, but he is a sensitive man and very in tuned with me. I have never felt so stable with someone and even though he has never done al-anon he talks as though he has. I know for fact this recovery program works when you work it and you are worth it! Sending you all love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
