The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am working on the first step, it has been like a huge weight has been lifted as I stop trying to control everything and everyone! admitting I am powerless against this horrible disease. I finally get that I can't fix this...for a control freak like myself, I cannot believe how empowering this feels!
I used to always get angry, frustrated, or act put-out whenever AH got home in the evenings. Lately I have been just looking past the alcoholic, biting my tongue instead of telling him how tired I am of him coming home this way...not saying how embarrassed I am because of the way he acts in front of the kids and their friends...it's been really weird. I feel so much less stressed...BUT I was really hoping it might make him go "hmmm this is different" but so far, he seems over-joyed that I am not bothering him about his drinking, not discussing it, acting like it's not even happening. Am I making it out to him that I'm ok with this now? It's all so confusing! I know I can't make him stop or control him in any way, but at the same time I don' t want him to think I am ok with his drinking all the time...he came home for lunch, beer on his breath. It used to be that we could at least discuss things at noon and him be sober, but now we can't even do that!
This is going to sound very selfish, but why am I the one who has to work so hard at this? It seems so unfair! What about how his drinking makes me feel? ARGH I'm so frustrated right now!
So glad you have some peace in your home - that is priceless.
I know exactly what you mean about the worry of feeling that the drinker may think his drinking is okay.
My thought is that first of all, he is in such denial that whether you think his drinking is okay or not makes very little dent in his decisions. So it's not as if he'll think you're okay with it and drink more. He's already drinking more. So we don't have to worry about that aspect.
My other thought is that the most important thing is our protecting ourselves from the effect of the drinking, and that's where setting boundaries comes in, and that's where he finds out the real effect of his drinking. Not in a kind of scolding way, but in a consequences kind of way. Setting appropriate boundaries takes a lot of health and thinking ahead and planning. So they will come with time.
For instance, my ex has had access to my house for various reasons which did make sense at the time. But lately he's been on a binge and he's done things to the house that are not okay. So I changed the locks (I knew he wouldn't give me his key back - would claim to have lost it, etc. - didn't even want to get into that argument). And I just said, 'It wasn't working for you to be in the house, so we'll be doing it differently.' I also asked him calmly for the money for the things he broke, and he's given me some of it. Those were the boundaries and consequences for his bad behavior in my house, and I think my point is clear to him without having to say anything. I have to confess I did have a little private melt-down about it. But I was calm to him, which didn't increase the drama, which was a good thing. I have also told him in the past that his drinking is too much for me, so I don't worry about having left that unsaid.
So my thought is that the right boundaries and consequences will come to you as you move forward, and those will say more than any scolding would ever do.
Hi Fairlee, congratulations for working the first step and feeling the power of powerlessness. Good work my friend.
Your concern that now that you are not confrontational about the drinking he will think you are now accepting of his drinking is a valid concern. I see no problem in explaining your position in a nonjudgmental fashion. For example; "In case you haven't noticed, I am no longer frantic about your use of alcohol. It is not that I am not concerned or approve of it is just that I have decided that this is your issue and that I need to take care of myself regarding this issue and allow you to take care of yourself. So I am concentrating on maintaining my mental and physical health on a daily basis. "
You also asked:"Why do I have to work so hard when it is his drinking that is an issue?" Great question and one that I have asked myself many years ago.
The answer I received from a rehab counselor is just as valid today. He said that alcoholism is a family disease and by living with the disease of alcoholism, I too have developed negative, attitudes and coping mechanisms similar to that of the alcoholic. By trying to force solutions and focusing outside of myself trying to fix others, I have lost myself in the process. Al-Anon recovery program recognizes this and offers tools to help us regain ourselves. We are working very hard hard to rebuild our self-esteem and self-worth and we are worth the effort.
Congratulations on a new beginning. Hotrod is fond of saying progress not perfection which helps alot I find on this new walk. In regards to the condoning,yup that's been an issue for me too. Every a is different. I've always told my ah the truth according to me. Sometimes he will drop hints about needing to go drinking. I tell him he's free to go but I wont be happy about it for whatever reason I'm not happy about it. Usually because its spur of the moment and I have asked for planning when I perform all the childcare day night and weekends. So he knows my frustrations,he knows exactly what I think and feel. This helps me not hold on to toxic but ONLY when I am truly surrendered to powerless to control. I do reserve the right not to like being treated like merde, but I also reserve the right to enjoy what I do have whether a is here, or out. Another thing that helped me was setting emotional boundaries. I reserve the right to decide what I give emotional support to and that includes not giving it. I also refuse to play denial is a river by sending I love you texts,answering lunchtime phone calls or indulging in any other behaviours that are typical of a normal loving relationship when that isn't what we are practicing by his choice to be selfish and have that first drink. These to me are natural consequences and I do feel so much better and less of a doormat.
