The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been married to my husband for 11 years and together for 15. Over the last two weeks I have realised that he is an alcoholic and that this combined with his masked depression has had a huge impact on us. I also realise I have been co-dependent and enabling this by not clearly setting the boundaries.
I think it has taken such a long time to see what was clearly always there because I grew up with alcoholic grandparents, aunts and uncles and my image is of someone who has to drink every day and has a physical dependency. My husband has an emotional dependency on it and binges on drink to excess and has put himself into several situations where he has come to harm or had the very real potential to be in harms way - specifically killed.
Following the last incident I have asked him to move out and he is in the process of moving into a flat near where we live. He has agreed he has depression but feels the alcohol issues are related to depression and he is not an alcoholic. I beg to differ. Spending time with my local priest and speaking to Al-Anon has helped me to see it very clearly.
Yet it is very hard. It is hard to say NO enough and you need to get help and own your recovery I can not do that for you no matter how much I love or how much I have tried in the past. Saying that is both liberating and terrifying. Liberating through the feeling of freedom by not being burdened by the issues any more and terrifying because of the change, break from the usual patterns and ultimately that you will lose this person that you love so much but that you ultimately have already lost because they are lost within themselves to their own issues that are controlling them and impacting family life and your own life.
The greatest issue for me has been defining what is an alcoholic - and ultimately coming to the conclusion is is someone where alcohol is causing chaos in their life. For the binge alcoholic the chaos may not be present every day but the after-effects of an event are felt for long times to come and ultimately affect the love and trust within the relationship. If someone is so careless with their own health and wellbeing that they can drink to excess and end up in hospital how can I ultimately trust them to love and care for me and our children.
It is very challenging, emotional time, I am focusing on getting through it in a healthy way, even though I want to scream and shout at him I am holding it in, ultimately he needs to get help and nothing I say will encourage that beyond what I have already said. I am hopeful the shock of being out of the family home will help rather than hinder his recovery.
Welcome to MIP. It is difficult to recognize that our loved one has a life threatening disease. It is also difficult to recognize that we are powerless over that disease and over them. What you appear to have discovered is that you are not helpless and that you are not willing to enable that disease to continue. Al-Anon meetings in your area can be a support for you. We recommend 6 meetings before you decide if Al-Anon is right for you. We also recommend that you don't make major changes for at least 6 months of attending Al-Anon regularly. MIP has members who are in Al-Anon on this message board but we are not an Al-Anon group. We do have on-line meetings. Both MIP and Al-Anon meeting attendance can be a real help for you as you work on you and let your husband work or not work on his issues. It takes courage to see the reality of what the disease is doing to him and to you and your family life. Al-Anon can't provide a cure for the disease and it can provide support for you. Although we didn't cause the disease and we can't control it or cure it, we can get the education and support we need to make changes we can live with whether or not our loved one continues to drink.
Welcome, Nicola. Hope you will stick around. My ex is also a binge alcoholic. It takes longer to catch on when they're a binger but in my experience they're just as damaged and unreliable. Maybe more unreliable because you get used to them being sober for a while when whammo, it comes out of the blue. I hope you'll read the threads on these boards - there's much wisdom here.
My husband drank very little, yet he was indeed an alcoholic, later an addict with pain meds. I learned the amount does not matter, it is the behavior. Even if he was not an alcoholic/addict, before recovery, his behavior was crappy and I was done with it. I have seen that people in my life don't need diagnosis's before I decide whether or not I want them in my life...if the relationship does not work for me, I make the changes I need. It isn't easy, as I have a compassionate heart; I have learned that I am the first one the gets the compassion and that is not negotiable.
You sound like a strong woman who is committed to her recovery....kudos to you and welcome
