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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> A little hurt that I hope you can be gentle with..
Post Info TOPIC: A little hurt that I hope you can be gentle with..
missmeliss


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A little hurt that I hope you can be gentle with..
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This is not the first time that we have had a housing crisis brought on by A and his lack of finances/dislike of working/ chaos.

In fact it is the 6th one I have been through with him. The first one, he was not living with me but was kicked out of his place and I helped him finance and move to a new place nearby. (We carried all of his stuff on foot, to a new place around the corner, lol). 

The second one, he was months behind in his rent and told me if he couldn't "find a way" to pay it he was moving back to the country with his mother and I would never see him again because "once I move on, I move on". I lent him the rent money and he then refused to pay it back because I had "enticed him when he had really wanted to leave and we were "Just friends"". He hadn't wanted to borrow the money you see, it was only that I had wanted him to stay and he felt sorry for me so he accepted the money. (This is a pretty big load of poo because he was coming to my house every single night, and I mean every night without fail for a couple of years, turning up at morning tea and lunch time and again after work...he was almost a 24 hour a day presence in my home. Just friends my foot).

A few months later he was evicted anyway for not paying the rent and turned up on my doorstep to tell me that he was, of course, moving to his mothers and i would never see him again. He had all of his stuff with him (furniture, not just clothes etc) and was just staying "for a few days but then I'm going and you'll never see me again". I didn't actually want him to move in with me but the alternative was "never see me again" so I could not, in my sick terrified codependent state, kick him out. That went on for 2 really awful years of mistreating me and my home and really was the most awful time of my life. I asked him to leave over and over and he would threaten me with the "you'll never see me again" card and I would fold and give in.

I reached a point where I could take no more abuse and told him since he clearly wasn't going to leave, I was going to leave him in my flat and go start fresh somewhere else. Suddenly he got a job and found a house at the beach and he loved me so much and he was so sorry and it had all been a "test" you see because he couldn't trust women and we moved here (and I don't regret that, I love it here). But he then maintained that he had never wanted to move with me and it was only because I had "whinged so much and he felt sorry for me". 

After 2 years in that house he got us evicted (drunk and crazy when the landlord came to inspect the property) and again he got a job and found a family house within weeks and then again months later decided he had only done it because "he felt sorry for me".

So here we are again. But this time I have not slept with him for about 8 months. I have ceased enabling (to the best of my current ability) and am moving forward with my life as well as I know how. I don't engage with him or try to gain his affection anymore, I just live my life and be as happy as I can.

He's been complaining for all of these last 8 months or so that I do not love him and he has been told, after the awful abusive things he has done, the ball is in his court to fix things between us and make serious efforts if that is what he wants. Of course that hasn't happened but he has tried to climb into bed with me many times and that is "effort" and I have rejected him so what's the point trying, he says.

Anyway all of this stuff is a done deal and I haven't discussed it with him and there isn't a relationship now, this is just the nasty ball of hurt feelings I am carrying around with me, I hope you understand. It's not fixable, that ship sailed a long time ago but it still hurts and I wish I knew how to make it stop. I wasn't hoping for a last minute save, but i also wasn't quite expecting this. 

The point is, here we are, being put out of our house again and this time he isn't getting a job and finding a house. He's just letting it happen and doesn't seem to give 2 figs really.

I guess because I stopped killing myself trying to make him happy and started valuing myself and requiring that others value me if they want to be close to me. He doesn't seem particularly upset. 

It's as if absolutely no time has elapsed for him. He was willing to be crazy and intense and stick to me like glue as long as i was his fan-club and provider but now that i am putting myself and my child first and making decisions and boundaries that are right for us, its just "oh well, cya later then". 

It doesn't change anything, it just hurts, it's like real hard evidence that it really never mattered much to him in the first place. I couldn't have gone another round with him anyway, that isn't it, but what i am seeing is no emotion whatsoever. Like none. Some irritation at having to move and that's it. A bit of self pity. But on the whole he seems quite well and happy.

The realisations that come with this are just horrible. I've heard the words narcissist, sociopath, psycopath tossed around to describe him so many times over the years and haven't ever been able to accept it but this emotionless disinterested robot really makes me wonder. He has literally no use for me now that i am not pliable and desperate for his attention and it's really painful.

It doesn't change what I am doing or my ability to move on, it just hurts something awful. Did i really give almost a decade of my life to an empty shell?

 

 



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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Temple


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Maybe, Hon,

From what I understand, a Narcissist, if he is that, and the argument could be made, in this layman's opinion, is a real soul-sucker.
I read a lot of Sam Vaknin's writings when I was trying to understand what was going on with somebody I knew. And then I saw a
video of his just torturing a man who was making a documentary of him. The control and coldness were shocking.

Try not to be hard on yourself. You were up against a lot.

Temple

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pinkchip


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Growing hurts mel. Proud of you though. I anticipated you will really really see some amazing growth once no longer in his toxic presence. It was a long relationship regardless of what he is. It was not a totally wasted decade either. Seems to me that during that time you also raised a child up to age 12 and she's a great kid. Right?

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missmeliss


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I know it's not a question anyone can answer, really. Just what I am asking myself. I know I have to push on and through. It is going to be better on the other side of this. Just OMG all of it is trying to bubble up at once right now.
There was a little pocket of time after we moved to the beach when he was my superman. He was so nice and caring and hard-working, we made friends and had BBQs and he insisted on being "step-dad" on all of the school forms and coming to parent teacher interviews and it was such a happy time. His brothers came to visit and told me "I was the best thing that ever happened to him" "I can't believe how good he is with you" and blah blah, it was a codie dream come true really.
It's just haunting me a little at the moment, all of it.

Feelings are not facts though. I can have them but I don't have to let them make my decisions for me.

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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
missmeliss


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She is a great kid Pink, she's amazing. I do feel kinda good about that; I may have made a lot of mistakes and I didn't know how to stand alone before but I am not going to tear myself down for that because I've fought pretty hard to challenge myself and make myself better. And what kid needs a mum that tears herself up and live in regret and guilt?
Thanks.

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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
lookingup


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Mel I can so relate to yur share here,I guess that's why I've managed to keep my home for 13 yrs my xbf tried to get me to lose it at times but I refused and he tried to get me to move up toward his stomping grounds but still no I would not uproot myself for him I knew he wasn't worth my sacrificeing anything. It will take a lot for me to give up my home I may die here alone but at least I'll have my own roof over my head I may eventually move cause this is a rent house but oh well if I do it will be a wiser move prolly a apartment next time I dunno but I make it my decision and hopefully it's a healthy and the right decision this is where I have to allow my hp to take over.and trust in him that he will guide me to where I need to be.thanks Mel for this share .you are a strong woman with a lot of courage you will go far in life for you have what it takes you'll do good.((((((((((Mel )))))))))))

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missmeliss


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Thanks LU, I was proud of my place too when I met ABF. It was just a flat that I rented but I had my rent paid months in advance and all of my bills too, it was so important to me to have a secure home to raise my child in. I had a great relationship with the landlord and an arrangement to do a bit of care-taking (maintaining the gardens and putting the bins out etc) and he even gave me a bit of free license to order stuff for the property (mulch for the gardens, solar lights because the path was so dark etc). It was good, I felt safe and respected. Good on you for defending a secure home for yourself, I wish I had!
You're right, I have to trust HP and let myself be guided.

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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
missmeliss


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I hope it's OK to just throw out a few of these feelings and thoughts. I'm meant to go and meet people and look at houses this afternoon, make decisions, do some real moving on. It has me in a little bit of a panic, Gawd it's almost as bad as the driving test. I'm doing this for real, no stopping it now. What other choice do I have? Go with him to his mothers? I probably could, you know. That's not even funny. But it's what I probably would have done 2 years ago; anything to not let go. I really would have. That's so sad.
I had this crazy disturbing idea a few weeks ago and I haven't been able to shake it off.
A is obsessed with The Picture of Dorian Gray.
He has told me, that would be the best thing EVER. To be able to live the most hedonistic life possible and have an object that absorbed the consequences. Those are my words, his are slightly cruder. But he talks about it all the time. he never read the book of course but watched the movie over and over.
So I had this image, I am his picture of Dorian Gray. He stops working, gambles all of his money over and over, I take the financial fallout. He gets drunk and goes on a rampage, I wear the bruises and deal with the memories. He doesn't even remember. He gives me an STD and he doesn't even get freaking symptoms. I deal with it. He raises his voice, and I get sick and shake and feel dizzy. The list just goes on and on and on. Every selfish hedonistic thing he does, I wear the consequences and he seems to continue on, unscathed. I keep seeing myself as a portrait in a frame, becoming more and more scarred and decrepit. It's not that far from reality. My hair is grey, my face is pruney. I look like I am 150 years old.
Yes, I'm being a drama-queen.
Time to go and do big-girl stuff.
But I am going to listen to this while I shower and get ready to go and meet people.

www.youtube.com/watch




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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
hotrod


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MsM grieving is a painful process. I do understand and can just simply say that this is a dreadful disease and grieving the loss of a dream is very painful. Prayers for courage and wisdom never go unanswered.

You are not alone and I have found that the only way to process the pain is to walk through it with alanon tools. It is not easy but this too will pass. Prayers for you and your family.

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

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PP


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This can be viewed as a purging of the poisons...let them flow out and bless them as they go.  



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Paula
bud


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I relate to your post. I remember feeling like Cinderella - and that was before things really plummeted! But I was not Cinderella, there was no magic, no fairy Godmother... well, there may have been a rat, but not the fairytale friendly type.... and, thankfully, I learned that I was not helpless and that not everything was hopeless. Grieving and growing pains are necessary to get to something much better. You're not alone- we're all here supporting you and are confident you'll be able to put this behind you. Sending prayers.

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Mattie


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Here's one for you Melly - and for all of us:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tth-8wA3PdY



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missmeliss


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Good choice Mattie

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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Newlife girl


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I think when any relationship ends, it is painful...no matter what the circumstances are. I hear your pain. I want my AH to do things and he simply isn't capable of doing them. I finally get that...with the help of Al anon and my sponsor. He is mentally ill and has an addiction. He is not able to be who I need him to be.
Today at my divorce support group they talked about feeling lonely and how to cope with it. It is Christian based...I take what I like and leave the rest. The speaker said you know you are healing when you are not so needy and always wanting approval from other people. You have to love yourself and know you aren't alone. God is with you all the time. It's ok to be single...Jesus wasn't married either. I thought that was a good point. We can also make ourselves lonely by isolating. It's healthy to meet other people who are going through similar things we are.
What helped me was just going through the motions. Then my heart would follow. I would also picture myself moved into my apartment before I moved. Visualization helped me a lot. Hope I've helped some.

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Debilyn


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Melly he isn't growing up remember? Plus the alcohol is destroying him inside! So of course he gets worse and worse.

I do know  how you feel. Like you, i love very hard too. My love does not just leave, when I love someone I love them forever.

I had to let/make my AH go. I know that horrible pain. But as I share, I had to face the man I fell in love with is dead. This guy is a sick mess.

For the first time, you are really going to let/ make him go! It's a new pattern, a good one. But I am proud of you for admitting to us how much it hurts.

You are a beautiful woman inside and outside. You are aware and good at problem solving, you are honest. So many great qualities.

We are natural nuturers, it's hard for u to turn our backs on anyone or anything. But for out lives to be serene to protect ourselves and our loved ones we must let go.

Your life right now is in such limbo. But you are making things work. All i temporary. You will be ok. Marisie is someone who was a lot like  you. I watched her go from so much in a mess to controlling her own life. She put up with a lot!

I love how you keep us up on you and yours. You can do this mellie, i know you can. You may cry, be in pain, want to have someone take care of you. But believe me once you get going on a home, job etc you will learn so darn much about you and the world. It is making you stronger.

We may be continents away but I really care about you and your little one. I am proud of you! LOVE!!!

 



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el-cee


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Its a harsh awareness. For me, I put it into context. Living with a person who gave only what he was able to give meant I eventually saught out recovery and found alanon so the pain was part of my journey.

Hes sick, you were sick but now your not so its like seeing the sickness clearly, its sad. I hated the word, love, for a while because with my ex it was never based on love, the healthy version, it was addiction, codependency, dysfunction, and a few disorders thrown in and for years I called it love. It suited me before for reasons im still working on. Thanks for the share, your growth is amazing.x



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Katy


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Dear M, 

quite a lot of what you have written here resonates with me, whilst I was away from the insanity of my own marriage I was still very very sad and I wasn't jumping for joy and feeling smug or berating my husband I had no desire to speak ill of him, it was something that for health reasons I had to do for myself, I have returned to him, and all the reasons that drove me to that decision then are back with me ten fold, he tells me repeatedly I left and had a great time he has no understanding of why or what is wrong between us, he could live happily along side me forever and not show any compassion or empathy for anything because in his words he is ok! 

I don't know why it hurts so much that they don't seem to value our worth, I also don't understand why it matters so much to me that I wish they could, I am hoping that will change one day and I will understand.

You are a sweet beautiful person Melly, you bring so much strength and humour to this board, big big hugs, thinking of you x

love

Kty

 x



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Katy
lookingup


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Mel that's what I was also trying to do was hang on to my xbf until

 he like to have got me locked up I realized he didn't give a hoot about me it was all about him but im thankful for that cause that's what it took for me to hit my bottom was near.y going to jail for something he done that I had no clue as of what he was doing.mel you can get yur home back it will just take some time and I'm sure youve learned a hard lesson also I know I want so much to have a lifetime partner but I now finally realize that it's not in my xbf he is not marriege or relationship material,but I e got to work on me for I have saw and seeing through all this is that I have a lot of my own issues to work through and it's not gonna be a easy road for me either to travel.but this I e got to do which will also keep me busy and hefully one day I can smile agin .and laugh and be comfortable in my own skin for a change.

 

 



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PP


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I have found that the more I value myself, the less I care about being of value to another person.  I did not even know I didn't value me so much until the valuing awareness snuck up on me...I just kept doing my work and trusting in my HP without placing much value on goals or objectives.  I do best when I keep things simple; when I begin to get all complicated in my head, I deprogram by talking with another person in recovery and using my al anon stuff.  You are doing great Melly, just keep doing your work for you.  One day you will see that you are not only surviving, you are thriving and flourishing.



-- Edited by PP on Tuesday 7th of October 2014 08:31:12 AM

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Paula
Breakingfree


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Melly you are so amazing and strong, I know you will figure this out and think it through, because of where you have been and learned the lessons you are now able and ready to move through and out into the new life you want. I am so happy for you and even though this time is uncomfortable and hard, I know you can and will make the best decisions for your daughter and yourself. I am so proud and amazed by your vulnerable Spirit doing what needs to be done and doing so while thinking on your feet. You have faced so many things and after I left my exAH I realized I had a bit of Stockholm syndrome with him for saving me from my parents home and taking me off to a different dysfunctional life. He was my God and I lived to please and serve him, until I learned he was unpleaseable and wasn't able to truly love me back, it took 15 years and a lot of emotional back and forth on my part to realize it was enough. It takes time to process all this and you have come a very long way in a very short time. I am sending you lots of love, prayer and support on your journey always!

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