The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello Everyone. I'm new here and I'm in hopes to find comfort and strength in this community.
To share a bit of my story would take a lifetime I think, but in somewhat of a nutshell...
I was with my ex (also my children's father) for 10 years. I met him in a bar when I was 21 years old. A few years down the road, we were living together, doing drugs together, and the ex was drinking every day. My mom/best friend had passed away and I had fallen a part at the seams, so I didn't care. Nevertheless, three years later, I found myself pregnant and so I cold turkey stopped everything. My ex did not, and when I "woke up", I was living in pure hell. The ex refused to hold down a job. He became verbally abusive, or maybe he had always been and I wasn't coherent enough to care. After our first child was born, everything intensified. Three weeks after almost dying in childbirth along with our baby, he slammed me to the floor. And from that point, the abuse worsened. And I just stayed. I stayed through another pregnancy, all the time supporting our family (and his habits as he would steal from me). I finally was able to kick him out for good when he went to pick up our children from school (ages 5 and 3 at the time) and an hour later, he returned with them but drunk. That was five years ago. He has now moved 1800 miles away with a woman he knew 18 years ago and is continually making my life hell in regards to custody. I went to therapy for about two years, and it took a LONG time for me to actually feel like a human being again. I felt robotic, numb, and insecure. I still do sometimes.
So, five years later, I find myself in a relationship that in some ways remind me of the ex. I can't differentiate my feelings when triggers arise. All I can see is the ex sometimes and I'm angry. So very angry. He's a recovering AH, and for about 10 months, the relationship just wasn't anything except for a friendship at best. This past July, my kids were with the ex, 1800 miles away, and I started seeing the current bf more often. Things meshed better than in the last 10 months, and suddenly I found myself in a happy relationship. Sidebar: I have MAJOR trust/relationship/fear of commitment issues. We've been living together since, and things have been overall okay. It's taken time for everyone to adjust to everyone else, but I think in general, it has happened. But, after being sober for 4 months (I realize that's not that long to begin with), he has "slipped" twice in two weeks. And...I'm just pissed, I guess. But, I'm also contemplating kicking him to the curb. He isn't abusive. But here's how I say that sentence in my head- "he isn't abusive yet." And I sit here, and I feel numb again. And robotic again. And simply, just going through the motions of a relationship, because I'm hurt.
I guess I'm wondering am I projecting my fears onto someone else? The present bf is an alcoholic. And he did both times, confess, but also after I already knew. I really can't and don't want to waste another 10 years of my life.. I find myself currently in a dark place. I am dwelling on this stuff to the point of obsession. I am lashing out at my children and also to the bf. I worked hard at becoming the person...I was...and here I go again..
I married an A and later lived with my adult AS. I wouldn't do it again. Each of us have to make our own choices and decide what we are willing to live with and what we cannot tolerate. It appears you are doing that for you? Relapse can (and doesn't have to) be part of the A's recovery process. A gal I know loved her AH and together they built a family and were really good friends. After a long marriage, she learned he was drinking again and had been hiding it for awhile as did he hide his job loss because of it. She still loved him and divorced him to protect herself financially and put him out of the house until or if he was in a solid recovery program. They are living together again and should he relapse again - he's on his own. She said it. She meant it. She wasn't mean about it. She was just honest with herself about what was okay with her and what wasn't. Al-Anon membership helped her do what she needed to do to take care of herself without enabling his disease or blinding herself to the reality of it. Hopefully, you will attend Al-Anon meetings, too, if you aren't already doing that? Come back here, too.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 6th of October 2014 02:55:36 PM
I will be attending my first Al-Anon meeting this week, which I am excited, yet overly nervous about. I truly feel that tug of co-dependence, as I did more than five years ago. I don't like it. It scares the ever loving heck out of me to feel it. It's kind of that 'I'm his rock and will he drink himself silly once I'm not around' nagging in my head.
It does not sound to me like you are projecting your fears, it sounds like your intuition is saying " danger, danger". Listen to,it and begin your recovery through al anon. You are worth a loving non addicted relationship.
I think it's great that you're going to be attending your first alanon meeting. It'll help for identifying your feelings.
"I guess I'm wondering am I projecting my fears onto someone else?"
"He isn't abusive. But here's how I say that sentence in my head- "he isn't abusive yet." And I sit here, and I feel numb again. And robotic again. And simply, just going through the motions of a relationship, because I'm hurt."
Whether your bf is a violent person or he isn't. You're reaction to him is as if he is. In my humble opinion, we're ready for a relationship when we feel whole because then we feel relaxed and can enjoy another person. Also if you worry that there's the possibility of violence from any alcoholic if they slip in their sobriety, you may want to rethink if you want to be involved with a recovering alcoholic because sobriety is not a guarantee. And staying sober is between a person and their higher power. That's an exclusive relationship that has nothing to do with us. Nothing we do or say will influence that either way.
Alanon can help with identifying your feelings. With willingness and working the program we learn to trust a higher power, ourself and then people. A loving Alanon sponsor was one of the first people who earned my trust when I was a newcomer. I worked my way forward from there to other people. I hope you'll keep coming back to share recovery with us and let us know how your first meeting was for you. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I did want to add that once I had experienced living with an abusive man, I could spot them coming a mile away. We know what we know and sometimes we don't like what we know even if its true. Our intuition tells us the truth and we can ignore it at our own peril. I am glad you will be going to Al-Anon and I found domestic abuse counseling helpful, too.
"Whether your bf is a violent person or he isn't. You're reaction to him is as if he is. In my humble opinion, we're ready for a relationship when we feel whole because then we feel relaxed and can enjoy another person. Also if you worry that there's the possibility of violence from any alcoholic if they slip in their sobriety, you may want to rethink if you want to be involved with a recovering alcoholic because sobriety is not a guarantee. And staying sober is between a person and their higher power. That's an exclusive relationship that has nothing to do with us. Nothing we do or say will influence that either way."
Thanks everyone. The danger for me currently is my mind. I was laid off in June, so I have had too much time on my hands to just sit and think. The above statement has resonated and of course given me more to think about. The ex really did a number on me and even through my entire history of therapy and relationships, I have struggled. I have struggled with non-alcoholics as well as with them. Another ex, more recent, drank every single day, but was open with it and didn't drink to "get drunk" and I never had fear towards him. Some of it, I do believe, is the hiding it, lying about it, etc. The trust issue is HUGE for me. I have had boyfriends who didn't drink at all and I still mistrusted them greatly.. I'm not sure what my issue is exactly, but I'm on my way to finding out. Thanks for the support already.
They tell alcoholics in AA who are early in sobriety to not get into new relationships for their first year (it's not a hard-fast rule but a suggestion born from observations of the recovery process). They do not tell the rest of society (and if they did, I don't know where it would be?) to not get involved with alcoholics who have less than a year sobriety.
The first couple years of sobriety are when a person builds their foundation for sobriety. When I was at that point (I am in recovery), I needed to do AA full force - like boot camp. I went daily, called my sponsor daily, went to tons of AA functions, conventions.... If a person is consumed with a new relationship, they won't go to any lengths for their recovery and they will confuse what they need to stay sober with the relationship. THEN, they will start blaming inability to stay sober on the relationship when it is really their own failure to stay focused on AA, and work on their own problems.
So, you are not doing him any favors to his recovery by moving in so early in his recovery. Alcoholics without much recovery will use relationships like the booze. It will be great and wonderful, but the minute it ceases being intoxicatingly new - they are faced with their issues again and they will relapse.
NOW -as for you, I do know that many of us have patterns in relationships were we subconsciously want to make a happy ending out of previous relationships. I could see the appeal of wanting to be with someone in recovery because you could not get the ex to stop and didn't get to witness him getting sober. Regardless, it's not your journey to take with your BF. It's his journey.
With this much confusion and stuff going on for both of you, it sounds like you could use some space for each of you to work on self. Not saying break up - keep dating or what ever but work on self before committing further.
Al-Anon will certainly be a help to you when it comes to the issues you are seeing as your own in this share. You appear to have a lot of self-awareness and self-knowledge and very honest, too. It is a good thing to want to continue on your quest for wholeness(shalom, serenity, peace).
Hi wandering soul. You seem very aware, which is so awesome. I can identify with a lot that you've mentioned. I have no answers,but the confusion that comes with blurring identities is one I'm familia with. My ex was an acoa who never drank or did drugs and came across like mr meek and mild,but behind closed doors he was an absolute tyrant in every way,extremely controlling,master of mind games and physically and emotionally violent. I spent five years alone after we split, got into coda recovery and look back on that time as my strongest. My relapse I'm hindsight was a slow process. The next partner I had was an alcoholic,I left him pretty quickly. The one after him was and is an alcoholic and I married him. Go figure! There are times in my marriage when in my head I blur the two of them. When I feel even mildly manipulated, I go back in my head to another time place and person. I couldn't stop myself from jumping into this marriage, and to be fair, it has amazing and beautiful moments. Nonetheless, it always was a gamble and I took it. Whether or not that was wise remains to be seen. But here I am back again fighting for my recovery,and I do already regret being too afraid to take the opportunities hp gave me,for their were many. I hope this share helps in some way;I do feel I understand some of what you are weighing up. I hope you keep coming back and I reckon you will cos awareness is one of those things which grows when we let it. You'll be in my thoughts.
