The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Really struck by my own feelings and how easily they can regress given the right triggers.
Don't get me wrong, I'm moving forward and feeling a lot more positive about it now that a lot of the junk has been cleared from my house, and more options are opening up for me too.
But over the weekend A went off to a party as I have mentioned and he arrived home quite early the next day. He told me he had gotten very drunk before going, turned up plastered and made an ass of himself in front of all of his old friends. He was sad and ashamed and quite introspective. Now that's absolutely not my business but i couldn't believe how strong the urge to "comfort" him was and I don't think it was really out of any sincere compassion for him but rather a need within me to be the "only one who understands" or "the only person he can count on" or something. I know they aren't healthy feelings in any way and if I had have attended the party with him and had to deal with it I would have been embarrassed and angry but it's amazing how strong the urge to ride in and rescue him was, just because he seemed genuinely remorseful and sad. SO much of our relationship was built on me feeding those kinds of needs in myself (the need to be the "only one" who will tolerate awful behaviour and understand it??? Yuk!!!!!! Yet it's intoxicating!)
I didn't act on it, I just felt it and had to really stand outside myself and give myself a talking to. It's SO strong!
So grateful that I have a program and some insight into my own dysfunction now. Because feeding those kinds of needs comes at a very, very high price and I know I am not prepared to pay it anymore.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Your ability to observe what is going on and language it for us to read inspires me. I recognize the same processes within me and am grateful, too, that I don't act on them. My need to feel special had gotten me into trouble for a long time...xxoo
Well if it makes any difference to you I'm right now in rescue mode with my SO. He's without a job, retirement will never sustain him if he retires before the age of 66. Do I take care of him with combined incomes when I retire of do I tell him no.
He took over the house and everything needed to do to keep it clean and running. He also sleeps a lot and that upsets me. My thoughts " JUST GET THE WORK DONE" and quit dragging it until things are a mess. I want a clean home and if I work he has to do his part and be the chief maid and bottle washer. His choice, My choice.... you will do it my way or no way.
Will this work....will see in about 6 months when he has to file for SS, until then he got 6 months severance pay/health insurance that will help tell the tale what the future holds for us.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I had that symptom too. The need to be the only one. I thought in my own situation it was an ego thing and this was how I validated myself, you know, the whole im special, only I can understand him, he needs me. The urge to step in and soothe was strong for me too and evey time I did, I removed the lesson for him. Bad behaviour or unacceptable behaviour should feel bad, he should feel embarrassed and ashamed, its good for him. When I think of the lessons I stole away through my fixing, mothering, coddling. I did this to my son as well as my ex. Great awareness, thanks for sharing.
