Punished for not giving urine! :-( - Al-Anon Family Group

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Punished for not giving urine! :-(

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Bud!!!!!!!! Do you know how courageous you have been in saying "no" to the request of a person wanting to use you to pass a test. I'm also surprised that she could do that based on how those urine screens are performed. Regardless of that, you did the right thing by you and she does not sound like a friend to me. At least not a friend I would want in my life. I've had to learn how to understand the difference between being friendly and social with someone and being and having a true friend. And...that's her addiction talking. Not her. Doesn't matter. Her losing her dream job because of her choice to use drugs might be the very thing she needs to face up to the fact that drug laced brains in adults don't belong in schools working with kids. Good for you. You didn't help somebody with an obvious drug problem make it through.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks grateful!!! I'm not feeling courageous and especially appreciate your words. This took designated driver to a whole new level! I don't know how she twisted things so badly to believe that I actually made her be dishonest. She said, "no thanks to me, she has the job because her true friend had provided her clean urine to use as her own. So, she's now a teacher in the public school system. After her ugly tirade and my reply she wants to forget the whole thing... really feeling sensitive and I am thinking that now that I know just how she feels, best to move on. I can forgive but am not feeling like returning is good for me.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Good Work Bud Continue to validate your decision and remember that- taking the right action many times does not feel right. I have experienced the same reaction when I made a decision based on principles rather than what the person thought was friendship. You did the right thing. One of the very, very important lessons that Al-Anon has taught me is to place principles above personalities at all times.

Before program I always placed personalities( if I'd liked you I would do anything) above principles. I never held to my principles if you were a friend and I resented a friend if they stuck to their principles. I am so glad Al-Anon helped me to find my principles and then gave me the courage to live by them.
There is no assurance that a friendship will last if I live by principles, but my self-esteem and self-worth blossoms. Congratulations for a job well done.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Makes you feel really good for the children, doesn't it? I hate this reality and it is the children who get short-changed. Grrr.

I have no genuine friends who use drugs. I understand that marijuana use is being legalized and good for those who think it is harmless. I lived with a man who believed the same thing. His heart muscle blew out in his chest when he was 51 years old. The autopsy report showed he had a brittle heart. Research on pot shows that it hardens the heart. It also destroyed him and also led to cocaine use and other drugs. Our children were also harmed by his drug use which is something he began to live for and it was all that mattered to him and that was with pot. I divorced him before he began taking the next drugs on top of Jack Daniels.

I can certainly agree with you forgiving and moving on. Maybe she's feeling really sensitive and maybe she's drugged?

-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 5th of October 2014 07:42:17 PM

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

Good for you, bud!! A true friend would never ever ask such a thing. You are absolutely right, it's not your place to bail her out of a bad decision. She made the choice to smoke the pot. Now, she'll have to live with the consequences.

Sounds as though you are making a wise decision when it comes to moving on, and if you are feeling returning is not good for you, that's probably your HP talking to you. smile

Take care of you!

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you Hotrod- I also remember when I tried to force things and placed people above personalities. I didn't know better and, hindsight being 20/20, it wasn't nice of me. I appreciate your attaching the Alanon concept with it- it's very grounding.

Thanks Grateful- I know! I'm sure it will be someone else's fault if she isn't able to keep it. I truly don't know what her drug use is or is not- I'm seeing that it is ALL about her, and, her thought process is very telling that it's a good time for me to detach.

Thank you Cloudyskies- I agree and thought it was rude for her to ask, let alone punish me for saying no. Then, to smugly put me down for not being a friend, accuse me of jeopardizing her "one chance at her dream career"... and now that she dumped on me wants me to forgive and forget because she doesn't want to be responsible for the demise of the friendship!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I think you'd written she smoked pot? Maybe you're meaning you don't know what drugs she uses besides that? Doesn't matter. What does matter is that you stayed in your own hula hoop, refusing to be used. She reacted to your no just like any addict reacts. It's always about them. Fortunately, that mindset didn't work for you.

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

hmm Hmmm, one of those friendships made with a broken picker? Picker fixed. Nice recovery ((bud))) TT

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

You did the right thing by being strong and protecting kids in the school system at the same time!

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Omgosh .. are you kidding? God love you! I'm so glad you said NO! Big hugs .. so sorry!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You definitely did the right thing. Supporting you....

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Your actions were extremely courageous....I wish more people would say no to these types of requests. I know this hurts, Bud, but you did the right thing and can live with yourself. I would not be able to be in a relationship with this person unless she is able to do the right thing by you and the school system. It saddens me that she will be around children.....another addict in the school system. Makes me so angry...I would want to turn her in, yep I would want to.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, Grateful- thank you for clarifying- she said she smoked pot - and I don't know if there are other drugs besides that. Yes, it resonates "isms" left and right. Working on detachment. I was stunned as I watched her sabotage in action... when she didn't sabotage the job, she turned to sabotage the relationship.

Thanks TT- yep that broken picker...

Thanks NL girl, SRU, PC, and PP - I'm so grateful for the support!!!!

SunshineGirl · Senior Member

Nice strong work on saying no. smile

For her to ask for this was utterly unreasonable. Insanity.

Katy · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow Bud, I used to think this kind of situation made me dammed if I do and dammed if I don't , but NO, you did exactly the right thing and that shows tremendous strength, this so called friend got someone else to help her, I am soooooo glad it wasn't you.

love

Katy

x

NL14 · Veteran Member

I'm so sorry to hear about how your friend reacted. But, good job setting boundaries and staying true to your values. Words I read someplace recently (paraphrase): "A person's actions tell you all you need to know about their character." This is true for both you and your friend in this case. You were honest, straightforward, and loving; she was dishonest, showed no regard for your feelings, and selfish. I'm sure you feel bad about the situation, but I hope you feel good about your backbone!
Hugs :)

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds to me as if the school system needs to test hair and not urine. It is mind boggling to me that she could pass this test given my own experience of drug screens for people who worked with me in the non-profit sector. I know this is off topic to some degree and yet, like Paula, I'd want to report this especially given the vulnerability of the children. On the other hand, I couldn't prove it and that, too, would give me pause. I might not report her and I might consider ways to at least suggest wherever it might make sense that potential candidates for working in the school system be tested for drugs using hair samples rather than urine screens. This explains why some folks I knew who were drug users were able to work in school cafeterias. They're probably driving school buses as well? Your thread has given me a lot to think about, Bud. I'm sorry this gal is sick. I'm glad you are healthy enough to have boundaries in place and to say "no" to jeopardizing your own integrity.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

If anyone asked that of me I would just say " ARE YOU KIDDING ME" go get your urine somewhere else, mines not for public use..

Good job

((( hugs )))

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks SunshineGirl, Katy, NL, and Cathy! Trying to accept life on life's terms. It's crazy how self-entitlement is a one-way street...she's entitled to anything/everything, and I'm entitled to nothing...oh, and I'm also "wrong"... stirs a lot of stuff that keeps me coming back to learn and grow not matter how much I fumble... so grateful for HP and my MIP family!!!

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

Will you pee in this for me,
Friend of mine....

We aren't friends any more. Why? She wanted some of my pee and when I refused, she got mad.

You probably wouldn't hold her drugs for her, either. Remember that one? He got arrested, but the drugs weren't his--he was holding them for somebody else.

What a blessing! Now you know every last bit of information about this person that you could ever want to know.'
Lots easier than if she stole your belongings, or borrowed your car and dinged it up or went for your fella.

It's the urine test for worthiness of friendship. Alas, she failed.

Yea Bud!

Temple

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

lol Temple.
Bud I find everything about this story hurtful. I'd be so hurt if a friend asked me to do this, and for them to be angry when I refused would just boggle my mind.
I'm sorry that you've even had to give it space in your head. It's NUTS. What an awful way to treat someone.
You're worth quite a bit more than a container of pee!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

this is so weird! I mean the way I think is I would be embarrassed to ask in the first place. I mean I can see her asking but not being so rude and arrogant.

Plus doesn't she realize they test the temp of the pee too???

I am sad you lost her as a friend, but to me she is only thinking of herself, not someone I would want around me.

I would smoke pot if it were legal. but no way if I was looking for a job. Isn't it funny how people blame others for their stupid decisions?

Tenants i had to evict hated me for doing it, but THEY chose not to pay rent! huh??

You are a very honest person with morals, good for you. Her behavior shows me she is an addict, so of course she comes first. not all addicts are like that but the majority are, just the nature of the beast.

lots of hugs!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Update on pot research: After a 20 year study, it has been determined that it seriously damages one's mental health and more than doubles the possibility of car crashes. Just saw the update on GMA. The research supports what I experienced in relation to my x and his downward spiral in mental health. So, bud, you stood in opposition to something that is harmful to your friend's mental health (as you experienced in her reaction to you when you told her no - my x threw me into a wall and tried to strangle me when I said he was addicted to pot and tried to remove it from our home) and you stood in favor of children's wellbeing whether you knew that at the time or not.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow, I best destroy my new income source....KIDDING! Seriously, that is interesting info, Catherine and it sort of hurts my heart as what you experienced.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Temple- I appreciate the humor. And, no, I wouldn't hold someone else's drugs for them either... good having a perspective for this!

Thank you MissMeliss, I just realized that I was numb for the first 24 hours before the anger and hurt truly set in. I guess that I realized that I had been valued as being less than pee. Thank heaven you're right and I am worth so much more than that. I want to give her a piece of my mind but something tells me that there is no winner here and I'm better off cutting my current losses than to perpetuate and accumulate more loss. Your reply helps validate why I am so shaken by this. Thank you!

Thank you Debilyn- I agree that this is entirely weird! She didn't ask her teenage son, her elderly Dad, or her sister. I didn't think much of it until her anger and arrogance descended on me. I don't want to surround myself with people who are so selfish that they cannot help but be manipulative, justify being disrespectful, and attack other people's self esteem so that they can feel better than. She said she felt we were close enough so that she could speak her mind!!! Close enough for that, but not close enough for respect??? As if it were a matter of knowing someone well enough for to justify it being ok to devalue a person to something less than a waste product! And she thought I'd be ok with it??? ugh!!! I didn't see this one coming. This is when I have to step back and realize how sick this is!

I'm so sorry Grateful that you had that experience. This does resonate. I was initially surprised because of how she put the pot first and then rationalized still keeping the pot as number 1. Good thing this was a phone conversation, I could hear her fists clench as she growled into the phone, "You know darn well how much this job meant to me and you didn't do as I asked and give me your urine..." Like I'm a little disobedient child.... Then I hear as I'm ending the conversation, "Wait, I didn't know that my voicing my disappointment would make you feel badly... I'm good now that I've got it off my chest..." Thanks for the statistics and it does help explain and lend perspective. As I'm processing this, it is clear she lacks the "friend" part of friendship defined as providing care, trust, and respect.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

There it is, Bud, the voice of the addict. Good to move on from it. I am grateful that I did have that experience now, Bud, because I know firsthand what pot does to a brain over time. It is not a "safe" drug and it does destroy good minds or worsens weaker ones. I'm very, very proud of knowing you. She is speaking like the typical addict speaks. What's going on in their head is give me time, money or my drug. Otherwise, get out of my way. They might not voice it exactly like that and that is what is going on in an addict's mind. Good you have Al-Anon. You responded with the voice of health.

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

Grateful,

I was really glad you posted what is going on in an addict's mind. People often come on here asking that question. That is clear and succinct. I think that can help a lot of people going forward. May we quote you?

I can't tell you how sorry I am that you were ever hurt or demeaned. Your recovery is an inspiration.

Bud:

Thank you for sharing this very painful episode. It helps others. It's like spinning flax into gold. (And I wasn't intending to make light of your situation. Sometimes I just want to point out the ruduculousness of another's behavior to help the sufferer get another perspective. Glad you took it in that light.)

Hugs,
Temple

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, Temple, although I learned those words from a former alcoholic/addict who treats others now. I just can't remember his name now. Sorry. I can say that I no longer have an emotional attachment to those experiences and have never really shared them in detail with anyone until I came to MIP. It just seems to be the place to say what was true so that those who've experienced what they couldn't or wouldn't talk about either know that there is hope and there is recovery no matter how far down they are pushed by a disease or a person over whom they have no control and didn't cause any of what has happened to them. Thank you for your concern and your affirmation of recovery. I think you also help others with your story and recovery process.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.