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This topic has been a big challenge for me in relationships and throughout the rest of my life. When I entered into recovery, it occurred to me that I had always settled for less than I wanted out of life. I settled for relationships that didn't work and that made me unhappy. I settled for jobs that were beneath my capabilities and I was resentful. I complained about work and my relationships a lot but I settled. I guess I was afraid to go for what I really wanted in life because I thought "What if I fail" and "I don't deserve better." Some of the program teaches us to be grateful for what we have. It teaches us to be accepting and have compassion for others...BUT, it also teaches us to change the things we can and don't settle for things you don't really want in life because that is not being true to yourself. Also, if I believe my HP wants good things for me, why would I settle for things I don't really want?
So, my spiritual awakening has had a lot to do with rejecting the idea of settling and now becoming a person that strives. I strive to be balanced. I strive to be fit. I strive for advancement. I strive to live by principles that are important to me. Settling killed my spirit. So I guess my question is what are you guys striving for? Also, what do you think about settling? It's a tricky subject. Kind of related to Debb's post because if you accept stuff you dislike, then it leaves you in an uneasy position of "what do I do now?"
Wow! Love it, PC. Truth speaks through the words of your share. Thank you.
I had to spend some time reflecting on your questions before I responded to them. After lunch out with my family today who said they were "staging an intervention" because they think I spend too much time on-line (then my grandson checked his cellphone for tweets, etc), I was honest with them about the reasons I am beginning to pull away from some groups and people I've spent substantial time among in the past that are no longer right for me. It isn't that they aren't worthy people or that there is anything wrong between us. It's just that the ways they want to spend their time isn't the way I want to spend mine.
Then, I ran into two families who have been part of my past work who told me how sad they were because I retired. They shared how they had just talked together the night before about how they wished I might host a reunion for everyone. I was honest with them, too. That their hopes for a reunion will probably not become a reality based on some factors that are beyond my control like having no properties or monies to host something like that. One of my little guys said: "Miss Catherine, I am so sad because you wutired." I hugged and kissed him and told him how much he meant to me and said, "Miss Catherine just can't do the same things anymore, honey."
Now, I'm back and "working the board" as my daughter calls it. I don't see that I settle for things anymore as much as I recognize when its time to move on from a work, a group, a person, or a location. There is something in me that simply can't stay at something my whole being doesn't vibrate around in peace and joy for the most part. That doesn't tell me there is anything wrong with me or another person, work, group, or location. It just means I'm ready for something new. I still fall back at times on the habit of looking for a bad guy or a really icky reason for moving on. The real truth for me is that when things are pinching outside of me and inside of me, too, I need to get out of the box I'm in and live in that "in between" space for awhile. If I stay beyond the call to move on very long, I start to get negative and sickly and down on myself and it takes that much more energy to get myself out of that box. If I don't, I'll die. And that's just me. It doesn't mean that what is true for me is true for everybody.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 5th of October 2014 03:53:44 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 5th of October 2014 03:54:39 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 5th of October 2014 07:11:46 PM
Having seen so many young twenties and even thirties who are not willing to settle but are holding out for their dream job, I am conflicted on this issue also. I've heard so many kids saying that they want to love what they do, my son and my nephews being some of them. And so they are never happy and they seem to be wandering looking for the 'better job,life,relationship'.
I think there is a fine line between settling and accepting what is . There simply are not that many dream jobs out there despite what one sees on tv. Sometimes you have to settle for a job that pays the bills and fine your joy outside of it. And often, even when you get the job you want, you find that it also is not what you wanted and is not fulfilling you as you wish it would. My son would often say to me," But mom, you loved what you did (teach) for thirty years and that is what I want." No matter how much I told him that yes, I love teaching but there were many other facets to that job that I hated but I accepted that and made the best of it, he just did not get what I was saying.
Relationships are different- one should never settle for a mediocre relationship- BUT even the ideal partnership has need of sacrifices and compromises. I don't think you should ever accept an emotionally or physically abusive relationship because it changes your view of yourself but I do know that accepting some of your partner's traits and faults are part of any relationship.
I work very hard at being grateful each and every day. But I am also aware that history is full of dictatorships and religions that have preached and enforced the idea that acceptance of the lacks in our daily lives will lead to a brighter outlook in the afterlife. That idea has been used to maintain class and wealth inequalities throughout centuries and I feel we have to challenge that also each and every day.
So I guess PC, that I will continue to accept and be grateful for what I have while also working to improve the greater inequalities. Clear as mud eh!
I settled for my AH because I was lonely. When I did my 4th step my issues became clear. When my first husband left me for another woman I was crushed. I felt like my life was over. When AH came along I thought "wow. A man is interested in me and I'm in my 30's with 2 kids." I was so happy someone wanted me that I ignored the red flags.
So, today if I were looking for another man I would want one who was on the same path that I am. I wouldn't settle for arguing or fighting in any way. I guess a little spat here and there is normal...I don't really know anymore. In both my marriages there was a lot of fighting.
As fas as work, I have been in the same area for 24 years. I get too comfortable in marriages and jobs, so I have a hard time with change. But some day soon I might take a leap of faith and try a new job.
So, my goal is to not settle for less than what I deserve. In the relationship department, I would want a man who works, is responsible with money, likes to exercise, doesn't sleep too much, has the same interests as I do and treats me well. Not too much to ask for right? :)
I am done settling...that's all I know for now.
I didn't know until my third job (all clerical, which had never been anything I wanted to do, but the only thing I was trained to do) that it was possible to have a job I would like. It was for a very interesting Psychiatrist with not enough patients and I'd lie on his couch and we'd talk about everything--sometimes for hours. And the work I did was interesting--about people and their minds, not widgets. I also realized one day that I was in the presence of a man and totally unaware of genders, and that was such a gift. He said the role of the Psychiatrist is to be a Mother figure. and that was perhaps why. And after that I only worked for professional men--my father was one, and I am generally comfortable with them unless they are squirrely.
When my daughter was little she wouldn't wear a garment if it wasn't comfortable. What a concept! I had never thought of that. My mother would do French seams if she were making me something out of stiff material, but clothes and comfort had just never happened in the same thought. Clothes and looking good? You bet!
I understand that millenials are something else in the work force. Pretty much entitled. Interesting.
I think I married my husband to get out of Dodge. I thought I loved him, and if he had been good to me, I'd have learned to for real. I've been grateful for some things. As in, not having to work unless I wanted to and if it worked out with the child when she was still at home. Since I'm not good at getting along with difficult people--and isn't there always at least one, sooner or later--and not good at asserting myself, it's been helpful that I could quit. It's the same way I handle personal relationships with people who don't play fair--I people please and/or try to co-exist until I get really ticked off and then I drop them. Not terribly mature or the best way, but it's better than hanging around and suffering. Sometimes I feel as if I am like an egg that was formed without a shell. So I give me snaps for however I've been able to hold it together for this long.
Good topic, Pinks. I hope there's lots of response. It helps to read how others cope and more than cope--flourish.
Hugs,
Temple
__________________
It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Good one pinkchip. I love the thought provoking posts. For me, Im more aware of myself as a person who deserves a good life. I had never thought of myselflike a person before. I know that sounds strange but I saw m yself as a wife, mother etc but never as an individual with needs and wants of my own. I used to think people who did look after themselves were selfish. My distorted thinking told me that being a wife and mother meant putting everyone else before me so I never looked after myself. A perfect martyr.
I dont think I will settle in terms of a relationship, ive got too much good stuff in my life thats worth something to me, including my serenity, so the person who I would invite in would have to add to my life. I dont think I would put up with a taker again.
I dont think I ever just settled to be honest, not in my relationship with the a. I actively unconsciously saught him out for all he could offer me. I could care take him, never lose him, he would love me forever and ever. Right? Thats what alcoholics or mentally disturbed people do, they latch on like tics. Me and my ex ah were latched on too one another. A perfect match really.
To me the moving away from unhealthy people or not settling can only happen when we ourselves are healthy. Being with an alcoholic is no accident. We seek out who we need and if our needs are being met then we stay until we need something else, something better. For me, I needed to feel needed, wanted, loved. All linked in with low self esteem. Anyway, i could go on and on with this one. Thanks.x
-- Edited by el-cee on Sunday 5th of October 2014 01:56:01 PM
I definitely settled I mean don't get me wrong he was a nice guy at the time, especially during the dating phase of things .. I know if I had been in a better place I wouldn't have stayed with him like I did. What's a co-dendent bring to a second date? A moving van .. that's so flipping true and I'm watching this play out with him at the moment. Get out the popcorn and watch is all I can say.
The Dahlia Lama said something very profound about the rich, in terms of the amount of greed, and spiritual bankruptcy (my word not his) I wish I could put it in a better text than I'm going to explain it, however this is out of the documentary 10 Questions for the Dahlia Lama, and how he phrased it was some people are always chasing the just one more (and it will always be just one more) and they are spiritually poor as they have no gratitude. The poor (not all however many and I find this to be true as well) have tremendous gratitude for the universe providing for their daily needs they are satisfied. There is no continuous seeking of outside self fulfillment and that really gave me something to think about .. there never feels like there is enough and I'm so guilty of that probably because of how I was raised and so on. Yet the happiest people are always the people who have gratitude for what they have now, .. not the ones who are continually saying I'll be happy when, I get a new job, I have more money, I get a better relationship, I have more stuff.
So being in a relationship to me fixes temporarily my God size hole that I need to be filling with my spiritual quota for lack of a better term. So right now if I were to find a relationship I would be terrified as I can tell you I'm not healed at this point. Yes, I get lonely. Yes, it would be nice to have a date. Honestly, I'm not ready. Because I'm not ready I would be slapping a band-aide on something that needs surgical repair. Super glue doesn't fix everything neither does duct tape :) I no longer want to settle, I also don't have the hallucination anymore that one person will fill that God spot in me .. that is something I need to fill on my own.
Before recovery, it was anyone would do, now during and in the midst of this stuff .. I deserve someone who is willing to accept me, I can accept, and we can grow together .. I did not have that with my STBAX, because neither of us were emotionally available people (and probably still not so much .. LOL). We did not choose each other by accident and I definitely stand on that fact. We had similar hurts already and we expected the other to fix it. That's not a relationship that's neediness, .. I think at least ... anyway .. very interesting subject and I know I veered off a bit. :)
Hugs S:)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I relate to bits in every share here.
I remember since childhood, the feeling of not deserving. I know it is to do with the dysfunction I was brought up with.
I am finally healing myself. Luckily I am in a career that I really enjoy, I don't want to settle in the position I am in right now simply because I need better income, but I have never been ambitious career wise. As long as I am happy and paying bills I am grateful. Now relationships are different: I have always been very ambitious with my relationships, looking for a prince Charming in every guy that crossed my path and dreaming with perfect love and partnership...funnily enough always settled with the guys that were the least capable to match my wishes...I have had very good guys too but somehow I managed to get rid of them...
I am not even thinking about the next relationship yet. I need a relationship with myself and my HP right now. Besides, I don't think I am able to ever fall in love again and I will never settle for less than real love for now on.
__________________
Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
Hi Mark, at my age of 77 I'm striving to live each day by the Al-Anon principles of trusting HP in all my affairs, one day at a time , detached with compassion, and empathy. I pray for the courage to keep showing up in my life and to act in a constructive manner in all my affairs. I strive to maintain my health by eating well, exercising daily, and maintaining my spiritual connection by meditation and yoga.
I tried to live by the serenity prayer and ask HP each day for courage, serenity and wisdom to just do my best one more day.
Although I am in a long term relationship ,since my husband passed 30 years ago, I have never settled for a relatiohship with anyone but HP and myself .
This is a really interesting topic, and one I've struggled with a bit.
When I first came to Al-Anon--after years of passivity, of settling, of feeling helpless in my marriage--I felt extremely frustrated by the Al-Anon emphasis on acceptance. I couldn't differentiate between acceptance/detachment and passivity or settling: The idea of "live and let live" or the ideas of Just for Today felt like what I'd been doing for so longsettling for bad behavior from my AH. Being passive and weak.
When I finally began to understand the difference between acceptance and settling or passivity was during a Buddhist meditation class. Detachment is a big topic in Buddhism and an analogy that's often made is of a lake that is temporarily ruffled by wind but not essentially changed by the wind. Waves form, then they pass. So too are we meant to allow feelings to pass; we feel them, of course, but we see them for what they are and then detach, returning to tranquility. At first this idea seemed like passivity, too--just allow everything to happen, without reacting?? But in the class, when the teacher was talking about about the Buddhist concept of the warrior, I finally understood. The idea was not to become an aggressive warrior, he explained, but one who meets attacks with strength and stability, not counterattacking, but diffusing the negative energy with imposing strength. And that's when I understood that being tranquil, practicing acceptance and detachment, was not passive, but active. Willfully staying calm in the face of a storm shows great strength, not weakness. Waiting to respond to a situation--instead of instantly reacting--is a form of power.
So now, I understand acceptance in this way. I have to be strong to accept others' weaknesses (the disease of alcoholism, for example). I have to be strong to feel compassion for them, and to detach from them. It's not easy, but I'm a warrior. I'm still blown by the wind, but I try to let the waves move along and return to calmness as soon as I can. I'm accepting--with intention--and not settling. Not anymore.
This is a really interesting topic, and one I've struggled with a bit.
When I first came to Al-Anon--after years of passivity, of settling, of feeling helpless in my marriage--I felt extremely frustrated by the Al-Anon emphasis on acceptance. I couldn't differentiate between acceptance/detachment and passivity or settling: The idea of "live and let live" or the ideas of Just for Today felt like what I'd been doing for so longsettling for bad behavior from my AH. Being passive and weak.
When I finally began to understand the difference between acceptance and settling or passivity was during a Buddhist meditation class. Detachment is a big topic in Buddhism and an analogy that's often made is of a lake that is temporarily ruffled by wind but not essentially changed by the wind. Waves form, then they pass. So too are we meant to allow feelings to pass; we feel them, of course, but we see them for what they are and then detach, returning to tranquility. At first this idea seemed like passivity, too--just allow everything to happen, without reacting?? But in the class, when the teacher was talking about about the Buddhist concept of the warrior, I finally understood. The idea was not to become an aggressive warrior, he explained, but one who meets attacks with strength and stability, not counterattacking, but diffusing the negative energy with imposing strength. And that's when I understood that being tranquil, practicing acceptance and detachment, was not passive, but active. Willfully staying calm in the face of a storm shows great strength, not weakness. Waiting to respond to a situation--instead of instantly reacting--is a form of power.
So now, I understand acceptance in this way. I have to be strong to accept others' weaknesses (the disease of alcoholism, for example). I have to be strong to feel compassion for them, and to detach from them. It's not easy, but I'm a warrior. I'm still blown by the wind, but I try to let the waves move along and return to calmness as soon as I can. I'm accepting--with intention--and not settling. Not anymore.
Does that make sense?
Yes. I agree with this.
I also believe that if I can avoid the storm, I will do it. There was a time I saw a storm coming and stepped right in the way of it. "I can take this!" I thought I had to until I didn't anymore. I guess that desire to move away or stay out of the way of the storm happened in me in my abusive marriage. I realized I didn't have to stay with someone who truly didn't have his own wellbeing at heart so he couldn't possibly have mine. What I learned isn't true for all people. It was and is true for me.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 5th of October 2014 07:01:43 PM
Really great topic- settling is deep! I grew up with very controlling parents, and was taught to do things their way. Their way was the better way, and I felt diminished when trying new things, as I naturally didn't do it their way with the first attempt. Instead of making me not settle for anything less, it shrunk my confidence and made me feel unworthy. I'm not sure if that is something others can identify with or a grand leap unique to me. The notion of acceptance can play into "settling"; however, like many Alanon concepts, the more I'm upgrading my distorted thinking, the more I see large distinctions between acceptance and settling. I'm currently in a relationship and I'm evaluating it and myself one day at a time.
So I guess my question is what are you guys striving for? Also, what do you think about settling? It's a tricky subject. Kind of related to Debb's post because if you accept stuff you dislike, then it leaves you in an uneasy position of "what do I do now?"
I had to repost your questions, PC, so I don't lose focus. When I see that word settling, I'm thinking more in terms of compromise. (such as in an argument where neither side loses or wins). I also think there are a lot of variables that might have to be factored into the equation. For example I might have to "settle" for a job that I don't like if I can't find anything I do like. But it doesn't necessarily mean that I'm going to be stuck with this job the rest of my life. Also, I would love to own a big, luxury car, but my budget won't allow this, so I have to "settle" for something less expensive that fits my budget. In these instances, "settling" is not a bad thing, it's just being realistic.
I don't think I can compare settling to acceptance. I accept that my husband is an alcoholic and that I cannot help him, and while I don't like the fact that he is an alcoholic, I accept it. I dislike that he is an alcoholic, and I also dislike that my mom is suffering from anxiety disorder and will not take her meds. Both of these dislikes put me in an uneasy position, but I can't change either, so I accept them. Through Al-Anon, I'm learning how not to settle with my ah's bad behavior. What do I do about these behaviors>>>I use my tools of Al-Anon..
Thanks for posting such thought provoking questions.
It works if you work it.
__________________
Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
Settling for me I had always thought of as settling down as in a relationship involving two people and eventually a family, so I believed that settling meant changing growing up letting go of a single life and becoming more considerate and together in a caring sharing way to create a strong foundation to bring a child into the world, settling also suggested to me that to settle meant everyone involved settled down snuggly and lived happily ever after, I have since learnt though that as couples we are not always on the same page and this had been my problem when this kind of settling is not on everyones agenda a battle of wills begins, it can go many ways but in mine I battled tooth and nail and it got me know where, I am quite a passive person I think to a point and I am a stickler too for right and wrong, justice and all of that, and I have a deep need to be heard and understood.
Settling at this moment now I think is somewhere I need to arrive at by myself for myself, my state of mind body and spirit cannot be based on anything outside of me, I need to get strong enough in my own convictions to be who I am and what I am with or without anyone else, so now settling for me does not mean I am settling for less than or have to be forever in a situation that I feel unhappy with, it's just something I think I will do lots and lots of times in the course of my life through balance.
Wow, Mark - how can I describe the effect that your post has had on me? A doorway into a new room I think - a room with beautiful windows and a whole world outside! Thank you for the reminder that it is ok to strive. So much to think about, all of it positive, and I'm kind of enjoying the fact that I'm stumped! Nothing clever to say - I'm just a humble pupil learning as best I can.
Hi Paula, it is a photograph of the view from my window this morning - lovely autumn mists that fill the valley and make me feel on top of the world! Hopefully soon to be a painting as well!! (((Hugs)))
Great topic. In hindsight, settling for less is something I think I have done my whole life. Take the path of least resistance and keep my head down to avoid drama. Now that I been able to see examples of how this has negatively affected my life I am trying to be kinder to myself and figure out a plan to prevent it from happening in the future.
One day at a time. One foot in front of the other.
This is the neverending question. I think anybody who feels stable enough to spring off into their next positively challenging venture, is either very fortunate, very young, or has worked their butt off to get there (maybe all 3 but definitely at least 1).
I was thinking about this topic this morning as I left for work, conscious about how very miserable I felt at that moment. I know that if I cultivate an attitude of gratitude and surrender, that things will come more easily to me because I will be more relaxed, and less fist- and jaw-clenched. But during those moments of gloom, that's the only reality I see, and logic doesn't really come in to it.
I struggle with the issues Deacon mentioned (very well written!), but know that in spite of not fully ever understanding that balance of holding out for the 'right' person VS being a better partner myself, etc., I can strive for better for myself at any given point.
I think I spend my time 50 - 50: feeling utterly defeated, hopeless and unfortunate, or feeling like it's my duty as a live human to shine as much as possible. I am more so getting the message from HP over time though, that to be or do less out of some family-of-origin sense of shame, or FEAR of ridicule, is just about as big a sin as the rest of them.
-- Edited by ClearTheFog on Monday 6th of October 2014 11:51:17 AM
because they think I spend too much time on-line (then my grandson checked his cellphone for tweets, etc), I was honest with them about the reasons I am beginning to pull away from some groups and people I've spent substantial time among in the past that are no longer right for me. It isn't that they aren't worthy people or that there is anything wrong between us. It's just that the ways they want to spend their time isn't the way I want to spend mine. 
Yes. I agree with this. 