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Hi. Just wondering if alcoholism goes hand and hand with domestic abuse/name calling/harassement etc or this is down to the individual's personality?
My STBXH's drinking bothers me a lot but if he was a quiet/passive/tame drunk I think I would stay in the relationship albeit unhappy. It is the lack of respect that makes me not tolerate him anymore.
In my last marriage my XH didn't even drink but he emotionally abused me in such insidious ways that I didn't even fully realised I was being abused until I was out and I didn't even wanted that relationship go. There was no name calling at all.
I know I am doing the right thing, if STBXH doesn't respect me today and didn't respect me yesterday, of course he won't respect me tomorrow. I can't hang around to find out if he will change...anyway I don't think I can change myself if we don't separate. So we need to separate for my daughter's sake and mine.
I am asking this because his verbal abuse and agressiviness incresead over the years. He didn't treat me bad at the begning so I don't want to blame myself and think it was my fault, I made him abuse me (as he says). I know I have my faults and I made lots of mistakes in the relationship.
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
To me the alcoholism and abuse are alike because it escalates .. in my case it went hand in hand. The worse the pills and drinking got the worse everything else did as well. I'm not sure what your asking? It might be me lol my eyeballs are glued together at the moment. What I do know is for me and my personal sanity and well-being I needed to leave and it was still hard. I do know some drinkers who are not abusive and the spouse stays. That's a very personal choice. The cruelty I am dealing with now .. this man is incredibly mean .. I have no idea if he's drinking or not .. doesn't matter because he has no respect for the kids and I .. let alone himself. I definitely made the right decision for myself and the kids. Hugs
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I don't know the answer to your question but I can give you my take on my own experience. My husband was always challenging and stubborn but not rude or cruel. As he drank more and came to dislike himself and feel bad about his own behaviour he started to be cruel and hurtful. I was, rather frustratingly, telling him that his behaviour was not ok (although it needed to be said for my benefit and integrity). I think that as folks become less capable life becomes more frustrating and tempers become frayed.
I think verbal, emotional, and physical abuse are far more likely when in a relationship with an A, but it's not caused by it per say. It's because they have lots of problems they are not addressing, they are in denial and they receive a lot of pressure from us to work on their issues. Hence, they fire back with abuse and don't know it's related to their addiction and the core issues they have that make them drink in the first place. And of course it gets worse over time, because we get more and more tired of the drinking and their underlying issues and the disease is progressive as well so they just get worse in general.
So no...it's not your fault. I have found that in order to keep a marriage or relationship healthy, you have to have 2 people who are able to each look at themselves and be dedicated to self-development and self-improvement. This way you can be a healthy support to each other and the bond you have will be rooted healthy love. This doesn't happen when one party has so many issues they have to drink just to live in the world and make it tolerable. When one person is that sick, and they sort of know it, they get resentful, the name calling begins sometimes....that is what I have found. I think the relationships tend to turn most sour when you stick around after the love is long gone (not that this is your fault either as I know you have obligations to work on a marriage before giving up on it).
My AW was a tame drunk, I guess you would say. She would binge vodka until she passed out on the couch. I sat a number of nights with my son watching TV sitting next to her.
But one night, before I realized she was drinking - I thought she had chronic fatigue syndrome at that point - she asked me something about our son, and I just went up to her and put my hands on her shoulders and smiled at her and said something jokingly to her. She went off, blew up, and started smacking the crap out of me! She ended up in the hospital a few days later because she had bruised her foot on a step-down we had for our sunken living room. I'm the one that got the stares from the hospital staff who was ready to call the abuse hotline. Perhaps that would have been better anyway.
So I didn't consider it my fault. When she got out of her first rehab I got a stern lecture from her about it. I shouldn't have let it go that far to hurt her because I was the one in control. I didn't really know what to say at that point but, looking back on it, that was a good sign she wasn't really in recovery. Nobody was in control that night.
I think that once one goes down the A road, they become unpredictable, are likely stuffing down a lot of anger, and it could come out at anytime because of lack of control once they are in their cups. So I think A can eventually cause abusive behavior.
But I doubt that is the only cause. I think there are plenty of a$$holes out there that don't have to be drunk to be a$$holes as well.
BTW on that "he made me abuse him part - just as you didn't make him bend his elbow the first time to take that first beer, you didn't tell him "just hit me", or "just come over here and make me feel like crap"! He has the choice as to whether to abuse you, just as you have the choice whether to listen or take it. He could also walk out if he feels too angry to deal with it, just like you could. So we all have choices, and they are all our own choices. I have overlooked that for too long in my relationship. My AW, even recovering, can let loose string of yelling belittling that would make Mother Teresa feel like she hadn't done anything worth a crap in her life. I have taken it for years, not even realizing that I was worth better, but no longer. That boundary went up this week.
It doesn't really matter to me, Luiza, what contributes to abusive behavior on the part of another. It matters more to me why I continue to take it? An attacking voice - whether from outside or inside me - is not Love speaking. A judging voice, a punitive voice, a blaming or shaming voice is not Love speaking. Love says I am with you. I delight in you. You are mine. I will never leave you or forsake you, punish or abhor you. I see you as you are and you are beautiful. Those are the words that help me keep on, keeping on and those are the words I listen for in my heart and the outer perimeters of my life.
My son was always respectful of me but when the drinking started his demeanor would change and he became aggravated at me or anyone around him. Words would come out that he either didn't remember saying or would say he was sorry when he sobered up. It's sad but it can be part of the alcoholism.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Thank you for such great replies.
STBX talked to me today and for the first time he said he finally understand that separating is not the right thing to do for our daughter but for BOTH of us too.
He doesn't let me off the hook, I know my behaviour was despicable at times and I can blame alcoholism all I want however I can also blame myself only for not changing. And I want to change. And he can see I am desperately trying to change and I can't do it with him here.
Something happened today, not such a big deal but the old me would go completely bonkers. I struggled inside at first but managed to react in a way that is 'normal'. He saw the change. I saw the change. And I will keep changing.
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
It's always fun for me to try a new tool and watch what happens from there. It sounds as if you might have done that today and are pleased with the outcome?
