The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I too am so confused. My husband is a fantastic guy - when he doesn't drink. He has had several times where he just doesn't drink which is fantastic and then it starts again. I really care about him but the drinking makes me soooo angry! It feels that by the time I come home from work I might as well have stayed - a drunk is not good company! Not violent but it's frustrating the next day to have to have the same conversations over again because he doesn't remember them. But I don't want to sit and not talk at all either.
After starting the meetings has anyone managed to stay in the relationship and make it work? I keep hoping that he'll make a change one day. Is this stupid?
Welcome to MIP Toodles To answer your question, I believe that, yes it is possible to work through the anger and frustration and stay with the alcoholic . It certainly is not easy and takes determination, dedication and faith in a power greater than ourselves.
By attending ,meetings, getting a sponsor, using the slogans and working the steps of the program consistently, I found that a spiritual awakening did unfold and new attitudes and behavior developed within myself and my attitudes The anger and self pity lifted and I was free.
((((Toodles))))...welcome to the board. One of the many things I learned in Al-Anon face to face meetings was to understand when I was with my wife and then when I was with my alcoholic/addict. One of those I married out of choice and other appeared as an unwanted attachment when ever my wife drank and used. Yes they are and can be great and nice and then I didn't get that part when I liked it most. I usually got it after bouts of drinking and using when she would hurt herself and could not drink for awhile. Is is possible to work thru the anger and frustration and stay with the alcoholic. I've never met or heard of a saint that was canonized by doing that. Wanting a serene and sane life is a universal quest even by alcoholics and addicts and still even they have to stop drinking and using and attend to living without the mind and mood altering chemicals in order to have sane, serene, sober and successful lives.
"work thru" ugh!! I use to question "do I have to really workthis hard to have what others seem to have with less effort"? The answer came that when I was born and raised with in the disease and kept relationships with alcoholics and addicts that I would have to do more than my share of the work often.
Part of recovery for me was learning how to stand back from the problems in my life and then look for solutions that fit. Face to face Al-Anon Family Group membership has provided me with a truck load of useful solutions so that I can have the life I care for with out caring for what I am unable to. Alcoholism is a fatal disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions. It can never be cured; only arrested by total abstinence. It is progressive and if not arrested by total abstinence will only get worse progressing toward insanity and then death. If the alcoholic was to stop for a while and then continue often times it will be worse as if no period of sobriety ever existed. The alcoholic affects everyone they come into contact with and often times we become as affected or worse because we do not have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality. We too have the same three choices as the alcoholic...serenity, insanity or death.
The emphasis comes from the AMA definition on alcoholism which we use to read at all F2F AFG meetings when I first arrived. I will never forget it.
Hi Toodles, and welcome to MIP. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that affects not only the drinker, but also the family and friends of the alcoholic. Before I retired, I used to feel the same way as you. I might as well stay at work as to come home to a drunk husband. At least it was peaceful at work. I strongly recommend you find an Al-Anon group in your area and attend the meetings. When I think of what I had become before Al-Anon, I cringe. My life was miserable and completely out of control. My entire life was centered around my AH. Through the power of God and Al-Anon, I am learning a new way to live, and it's working for me.
You asked after starting the meetings was it possible to stay in the relationship. I can tell you this, if I had NOT started Al-Anon, I would NOT still be in my marriage. It is through the power of my HP and Al-Anon that my marriage is improving. There has been a 360 degrees change in me, and my ah sees this. I am learning to use the tools of Al-Anon and its working for me. As a result, H has slowly begun to change. He still drinks, but not nearly as much. I don't push him. I don't talk with him about his addiction, unless he brings it up. I can tell he's still in denial. I have the Al-Anon slogans, twelve steps and Serenity Prayer posted on my hall wall as constant reminders. He sees this and has never asked me to take them down.
I have learned that this is his disease. He owns it. When he's drinking, I detach and back out of his way. I go for a walk or shopping, or work in my flower garden. I find something that I enjoy. This is so different from how I used to be. I have my boundaries. WE have begun to do a lot of camping and fishing together. One of my boundaries is that when we are together camping or fishing, there is NO drinking. He knows I will not get into a boat with him if he's been drinking.
I am just like you in that one day I HOPE my husband will give up the alcohol completely, but I don't waste my energy and time wondering what's going to happen if he doesn't. I live one day at a time, and for now, it's working for me.
Take care of you and take one day at a time.
It works if you work it.
-- Edited by cloudyskies on Saturday 4th of October 2014 08:48:32 PM
-- Edited by cloudyskies on Saturday 4th of October 2014 09:42:10 PM
__________________
Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
Hi Toodles! It sounds like we are married to the same person! I also hope for change. I also get very angry about the drinking. It is so hard for me to look past the drinking. I do ok for a while then inevitably he does something in his drunks ness that just infuriates me and I loose it.
I have the same issue about AH forgetting what he told me the night before, what makes me so frustrated is the fact that it means he didn't hear anything I said! The sad part is I'm seeing less and less of that awesome guy and more of the squinty-eyed, bloated faced slurring person...I digress. I wish I had advice or a good word for you, but I am just starting out here as well. I am going to try to go to a face to face al anon meeting this next week and get some literature. So far this board has been very helpful. I just wanted to say hello and tell you you are not alone. I could have written your post.
When alcoholics don't remember what they did or said, they are probably having "black outs." They don't have to pass out to have black outs. Their brains are not functioning properly due to the alcohol. If you want to test for this, get your A to say a few words (like red, yellow, black). Then a few minutes later asked him to repeat the colors he had just said. If he can't remember, he's probably having black outs.
I don't have conversations with my ah if he's been drinking. He's not going to remember what I say anyway, so I would be wasting my time and energy. Also, if I try to have a conversation with my husband when he's drinking, it would probably end in an argument, and this is something I refuse to participate in.
One of my favorite slogans>>>Let go and let God.
__________________
Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
Welcome to MIP! I learned from al anon to respond to what was best for me. I worked my program and when I was clear on the kind of life I wanted and what I desired from a relationship, I saw that living with an alcoholic not in recovery was not what I wanted. After you have been in recovery for a bit you will be able to answer your question.....for now, take one day at a time and keep the focus on you. Keep coming back!
There are definitely people who've found a way to stay with their alcoholic and live good lives.
Myself, I kept waiting for my A to change. Every A is different and mine was not very tolerable when he was drunk. Didn't make sense, kept disappearing (to sneak another drink), drove drunk, wasn't reliable, had nonsensical conversations ... it wasn't like being with a real human being. I knew I didn't want to live like that. Other A's are different and some are a lot easier to live with (and/or their partners are not as particular as me!).
So I kept waiting and hoping. What I wish someone had told me was that only 15-25% of alcoholics who start recovery programs stay sober longterm. That's not even mentioning the ones who never start recovery.
I had thought it was 75% recovery or something. I didn't realize how powerful the addiction is.
When I found out the chances were around 20%, I decided not to keep waiting. Sure enough, it's years later and my A is still drinking.
That may not apply to your case at all. And there are so many alcoholics that even a 20% recovery rate means thousands of sober alcoholics. But knowledge is power, so that is another thing to know as you gather the tools to make life serene and good.
I hope you'll stick around. There's much wisdom on these boards. Hugs.
Hi toodles, like others here your post could have been written by me. I am new here too. I love my husband and I want to stay with him but I am questioning for the first time in 20 years whether that's possible. He Is great when sober and even pretty fun when drunk but I feel so alone because he doesn't remember things and I don't trust that anything he says while drunk is the "real" him. And occasionally he says really hurtful things for which he never apologizes. I am really lonely. I'm sorry I don't have anything supportive to offer other than to say you're not alone in your feelings. Also I would ask others more experienced, did you first start going to al anon secretly? I fear going partly because my husband would believe I was going somewhere just to publicly talk about him, he would be really angry.
I remember that feeling of confusion so well, and still feel it from time to time. Meditation helps me a lot.
I waited and waited for AH's behaviour to change and then finally, one calm sunny day, I realised that I needed to care about myself and restore my own self esteem regardless of what he was doing. By living with AH, who was not very nice to live with at the time, I had sold myself short and undermined my self esteem which led me to be resentful and angry, feelings that I bottled up. Bottling them up harmed me and led to mild depression. I am, by birth and upbringing a sunny, optimistic polite person who sees the best in most things so I am aware of how much my thinking had changed. I thought that the reasons for those changes were outside of my control but that is not the case really. While I could not control AH's behaviour I discovered that I could choose how I wanted to live my own life, regardless of what AH was doing.
I stopped worrying about his drinking, it was his rude behaviour and his 'remoteness' that I found so difficult so I just walked away when he was being stupid. I had been using his alcohol as an excuse for his stuff and I decided not to do that any more. I started up some new hobbies, I looked for work, I treated myself to nice things. In short I treated myself to love and care and that helped me to curtail my anger and resentment. That said, I believe that the anger and resentment are there for a reason so they may be worth looking at a little more carefully. It was not healthy for me to accept the behaviour that I was trying to wait out. I waited with the best of intentions, but it was not healthy for my husband either. We are doing a bit better now, but still have a lot of pieces to put back together. It has taken five years from the worst moments to now btw.
Keep coming back new friend, there is a lot to learn but it can be done.
Seahorse, many years ago when I first attended al anon, my husband was angry. It was a small town and he was worried about his image. His embarrassment gave me the excuse I wanted to stop going. I stopped going and lived in misery for another 15 years or so. If I were to do it over again, I would have made a choice to continue and let him sit in his garbage. He wasn't physically abusive, so I was not worried about violence. He was passive aggressive, which I now see as a subtle form of abuse. You will have to search your soul and do what is best for you and leave him to his feelings about your actions, otherwise you are allowing yourself to be controlled by another...this is a feeding ground for anger and resentment which will eat you up. Keep coming back....there are also online meetings available here.
Seahorse, I'm planning to go to my first al anon meeting tomorrow. I am not telling my AH because he is so deep in denial he doesn't realize how much his drinking has affected his whole family. I feel like I must get some help or I will not be able to go on as is. Lucky (or not) for me, the closest al anon meeting is an hour away. I am going to make it part of my weekly grocery run to the city :) hope you get to go...my AH would feel the same way you said yours would if he found out...
Let me know how it goes at your meeting, what it was like being new. I don't have the courage to do the group thing yet. I'm introverted and a bit of a loner anyway. And I feel dishonest if I sneak behind my husband s back. it will probably be a while before I do it.
You can attend Al-Anon meetings here, Seahorse. If you feel deceptive in doing that, you could tell your husband you are meeting with folks to get help for some of your issues which is very true.
yes that's true, and as long as he's known me i have had a therapist (until recently) so it's not really new. Thanks. I'm still trying to figure out the online thing, how I can fit it to my schedule.
Its so so great to know you all are here. I feel a tiny bit less alone.
