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Thought I would start a separate topic of discussion instead of posing this onto someone's similar topic, do not want to take away from their discussion!! Was wondering about acceptance and disliking the situation at the same time. I find myself, when AH is testy and nasty with me, that I ask HP for the patience and understanding to walk away and not feed into the nastiness and I am able to do that, but in the back of my mind I am feeling dislike for AH and the entire situation. I am so happy that I am able to be part of MIP because I have learned so much and the Al-Anon information and the guidance/support have been a God send. But I guess I was worried that my feelings of dislike are not appropriate. Feelings of understanding and compassion for AH's disease are two things I am trying very hard to master, forgiving him for the damage he has done to my confidence and mental well being are slow to come, maybe because I am trying to heal myself at the same time?
-- Edited by Debb on Saturday 4th of October 2014 07:08:09 PM
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Debb, I understand completely what you are saying. It's very hard to get passed the pain and humiliation our As have caused us. I remember a time before Al-Anon looking at my drunk husband and feeling nothing but disgust. I don't think you can just shut off your feelings, what ever they are. I had to work through my feelings. What I did was acknowledge what I was feeling. Then as I learned more about his disease, I became more understanding. I went to AA open discussions. Listening to their stories has helped me understand my husband. I've also gone to AA speaker meetings. Listening to other alcoholics has helped me be more sympathetic I understand my husband is sick. His body is sick, and his brain is sick. However, this is no excuse for some of our As behavior, and by no means am I saying to accept unacceptable behavior. I just needed to understand what it is about alcohol that makes him behave this way. After almost six months of Al-Anon and a whole lot of reading, I don't feel the disgust that I once did. I think I feel more pity. I'm not saying I never feel anger, because I do. But, I'm learning how to recognize it when it begins and when I feel it, I find some way to work it out (walking, gardening, weeding etc, something that takes physical energy).
Don't beat yourself up trying to force yourself to feel or not feel a certain way. You have awareness of what you are feeling, and that means you are moving in the right direction.
It works if you work it.
__________________
Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
I guess working out these issues will take time. I am confident that, in the very near future I will not so much forgive AH but let all the uncomfortable memories go, because they are in the past and in order to move forward you gotta let the bad memories go and chalk it all up to spiritual growth of the program. I can never imagine that I will ever like being mistreated by AH, that much is for sure, and as I move forward in this journey all present and future mistreatment will be controlled by me not interacting with AH when he is nasty.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
I believe that it takes time to accept the alanon principle of acceptance For me it simply means I no longer have to fight the situation or person, I know who they are and how they will act and respond. It is the reality of a situation and I cannot change it.
Do I have to like it or be happy about a situation to accept it? No but getting angry at it or holding a resentment over it only hurts me so that with acceptance I agree that this is the way it is and I will not give over my serenity to it by being angry or resentful . Progress not perfection is the goal.
God!! one of the biggest lessons to learn for me was "It's not about me" and "Quit taking it personally" (QTIP). Then the natural progression was that none of it said I was a bad person even when at times she would trying to blame me for what? pick a topic. I use to take blame (I was actually schooled by the fellow ship to see it that way...taking it when I didn't have to) and then learned to let it go (LG2...Let Go & Let God) replying to the thought that anything which caused me to feel less than and seemed to be saying something negative about me "was not true"!! and I learned how to say that nicely and evenly to her when she attempted to blame me or put me down. "That's not true" ...then... turn around and walk away from it. Since I learned how not to take blame nothing she said after that could cause me to turn around to take any more. I became peaceful when the disease was looking for war. Miracle!! Rocket Science!! Program works "when we work it". When I became certain that the program was what I needed most and most very often recovery became simple cause I let go of other stuff that confused me and cause further pain. Acceptance for me is the opposite of Anger and a rule is "I don't always have to like anything...that's about choice and my freedom to choose what and how I work solutions". Take your time...find solutions and pick one to use which will get you near what you desire. If that one doesn't work...pick another until you find a better one...we have all the time in the world to find and be happy. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you Jerry!! I just need to give it more time, I tend to question whether I am looking at things right and there is no quick fix for the damage, I will continue with Al-Anon steps and be more patient with myself!!
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Debb, for me it was most important to accept all of my feelings, no matter what. When I accepted them as ok, then I could choose what to do with them. The non acceptance of any part of me is destructive to my soul. Sometimes I need to talk it out, as you have done here, to feel validated and accepted. Having a sponsor helped me beyond words to see and accept the deepest parts of me. And to answer your question, yes, we can accept and dislike at the same time. Hugs to You.
If I don't like something, I don't. I have spent a lot of energy on trying to make what is a non-negotiable for me negotiable at various points in my life. It never worked. The closer my life comes to its mortal end, the more I see that nothing has really changed for me. I didn't like nasty behaviors from myself or others when I was very young and still awed by life. I'm close to 66 now and guess what. That's still true. I still don't like them - in myself or in others. There are some things that really don't change and for me some of those things are inborn and I can choose to honor them or not. Its always 100% up to me. I am very aware of who truly will be a blessing in my life and who won't be. Just sometimes, I don't like knowing the truth and so I hide from it. But it stays there just waiting for me to acknowledge it until I do - or don't.
So happy to hear from you Paula and Grateful2be!! Your thoughts are so very much appreciated ... I want to move in the right directions with the Al-Anon healing process. Have been at it now since May of this year and feel like the whole world has opened and revealed for me an entirely new path to live and move through. Just want to make sure that I continue to make progress and your help has been so instrumental in this healing journey!!
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Was wondering about acceptance and disliking the situation at the same time. I find myself, when AH is testy and nasty with me, that I ask HP for the patience and understanding to walk away and not feed into the nastiness and I am able to do that, but in the back of my mind I am feeling dislike for AH and the entire situation. I am so happy that I am able to be part of MIP because I have learned so much and the Al-Anon information and the guidance/support have been a God send. But I guess I was worried that my feelings of dislike are not appropriate. Feelings of understanding and compassion for AH's disease are two things I am trying very hard to master, forgiving him for the damage he has done to my confidence and mental well being are slow to come, maybe because I am trying to heal myself at the same time?