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I've texted my male friend off and on all day. It he only texted me one time early this morning answer my ? Of weather he could come by my place to have a cup of coffee he texted he was on his way to another town 40 mins away on an emergency call that he was on the road already so that being said I left it alone. It after hours I text him again and he never text me back it's 4pm and I've text him while ago to see if he wanted to come eat supper with me if he wanted.no answer back so I'm beginning to think he is through with me I dunno anymore just neede a good male friend and he was but now he is been a widower for 9 mths and I was told that he had begun drink ing but don't let that alarm me that he can snap out of it quick that he was going through something I figure its his greiveing his wife cause he hasn't been with anybody but me since his wife.so I just don't know how to befriend someone like that .when I 1st came over to his place to bring food he had hid his open beer on top his fridge and acted like he didn't drink it was open and a little over half was still in it I knew it was getting hot sitting up there but he was Hideing it from me .so I ignored it .im just not good at this relationship thingy anymore seems like way too much work.
You ultimately have yourself to be with and rely on. (I need to hear this)
So as you work your program and put the focus on yourself, you'll be at ease and happy with yourself and other people will just be frosting on the cake if they are good and healthy and treat you well.
Won't that be wonderful! I hope I get that. Just to be totally at home on the planet and in my own skin and unafraid if I am alone and not uneasy. My mother was a widow for 30 years the second time around, and my sister has been divorced for 25 years and they made it/make it just fine. And my daughter's been divorced for 10 years, and she's okay without a man in her life. I don't really have a man in my life--he just lives here. But somehow i feel that his body keeps the bears away. And I think I'd get used to his not being here. I made it when he worked out of town for 3 years.
I need to remember that.
I hope to get a better relationship with myself.
Good luck!
Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Why are you looking for a boyfriend replacement 2 minutes after a break up? Have you not heard every person here suggesting you focus on yourself? CoDA could help you too. I went to CoDA. It helped me become more complete on my own.
LU, it's my opinion that if he's hiding his beer, he's got something to hide. I'm seeing all kinds of red flags in your post. If I were you, I would give myself some "growing" time. If I were you, I would take time for myself and learn what I could about me. You seem like a very compassionate person with a giving heart, and I would hate to see you taken advantage of by another alcoholic. What nice thing have you done for yourself today?
Take care of you.
It works if you work it!
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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
You are going 0-60 on this guy, even though there are huge red flags. The beer right there is a huge red flag. I'm almost afraid you are making this up, that's such a huge red flag.
But in my experience the healthy way to text is to send one, and then not send one again until the other person answers, if they do. That's for people you don't know very well, like this guy. It strikes me that you're feeling needy because of having given your unhealthy xbf the push, and also the chaos is gone. And chaos is so distracting that we sometimes invite it back into our lives. But if you try to glom onto him, he'll only respond if he's unhealthy himself - and then the predictable problems start.
Meetings can help with the impulses and the emptiness. How are the meetings going?
In Al-Anon it is suggested that we don't make major changes for at least six months after earnestly working the program. To me, slamming the door on an 8 year relationship and wanting to jump into another right away is inviting more pain and more trouble for you, LU. Of course, it is your choice, but do you really want more pain and more trouble in your life? Or do you want peace and joy? I haven't see you post anything since you've been on the board that shows me you experience much peace or joy - just turmoil and fear and betrayal.
While you are texting him and worrying if he is coming for a cup of coffee or supper and wether he is drinking or not, you could be using this time to look after yourself better. I know there was a big discussion here not long ago about 'shoulding' or not 'shoulding' people but I will just write a list of the things I would like to do if I was in your situation, obviously I don't know the details of your life and your tastes, but I would think about doing all or some of the following things when I am alone in the future.
*Get involved in charity work *Re-train in a new career *Join a book club *Join a drama group (big scary one for me) *Join a choir *attend dance classes to keep fit (I hate the gym) *Invest more time and money in my hobbies *Travel *Explore places I have never been before even if it is round the corner *Go to the hairdressers more often *Try out new hobbies
That would hopefully keep me going, occupied and tired and I would probably meet new people and if I am lucky enough, new friends.
I am alone at the moment, my daughter and STBXH went to his parents home. I was fine during the day focusing on my studies and other problems, then it was dinner time and I was hungry, I didn't really wanted to cook for myself or eat whatever was in the fridge so I decided to treat myself and ordered some food. After that I should have gone back to studies, but it has been such a long time I don't stay all by myself without any drama and worries that I just decided to relax, watch TV, check out the net. I thought about calling my mum but I would have to talk about family stuff, my daughter and my relationship, I decided not to call. Now I am so tired and I work tomorrow, but I have had a few precious hours with myself only and it was so nice. It did make me wonder though, if this will be my future once my daughter is independent, alone in an empty home all the time, and that is why I came up with the list above.
Take care of yourself LU. In the past I have jumped from one man to another without even checking who they really were or if we really had much in common or if my heart was in the right place. I was so desperate to get it right that I would ignore every red flag waved in my face.
-- Edited by Luiza on Saturday 4th of October 2014 04:35:08 PM
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
I think the best thing I gained from all of this stuff was learning to have a relationship with myself. LU, you are doing a great job and making great decisions.
Don't let another guy become your guide. YOU are your guide. YOU have just made all of these brave decisions and said NO to ABF's destruction and trickery.
I think it's great that you have found someone who is nice to you; don't sabotage yourself by re-creating the ABF situation with him. You don't need someone being unkind to you so as to have permission to be kind to yourself. Breath, let him breath. Let him be a friend, don't turn him into your HP!!!
Alone is scary. I am facing it myself right now. But you don't need to create a situation where there is a man who isn't interested enough and he is the problem and what's going on with him?
I think, you don't know how to deal with what you feel now ABF is actually leaving your life. I am guessing about your feelings because that is how I am feeling.
You can be OK alone, just for today.
So can I. I am going to go to lots of meetings to deal with the fact that it is finally over. It won't take the pain away, I just know it is the right thing for me to do.
Grit your teeth hon, and batten down the hatches. I don't mean to tell you what to do, it's just I am moving on from ABF too at the moment and hurting as I imagine you are. I am going to work my steps hard and be with myself and my HP.
I know you have just let go and you are hurting. me too.
It's OK to be alone with yourself. Us codependent women can usually find a boyfriend within 5 minutes if we really want to. We know all the tricks.
I am going to cherish this as "ME" time. I think I deserve it and you do too.
(((LU)))
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Ok...I also want to tell on myself that I've done that rebound thing too like a million times. I knew it was wrong when I was doing it. The 2 years single I finally gave myself was a challenge, but it was when I grew the most.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 4th of October 2014 04:44:50 PM
-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 4th of October 2014 04:45:13 PM
An alcoholic will go from bar to bar to get another drink. A co-addict will go from relationship to relationship. Both need recovery programs to break these addictions if they really want to heal. Al anon helps the co- addict break the relationship addictions. It sounds like your new friend might be a new addiction?
Everything I just needed to hear I thank y'all so much and yes I do need to get back on my gratitude lists,I was really working on all of it pretty hard there for a while while still in the relation ship with xbf ,now it seems I'm like out of relationship and not wanting to pick it back up as for my recovery when I need it the most here and now.thanks for all of the great esh.
You do take feedback well LU...that is a great asset. You are humble. Still need to work on putting it in to practice and follow through....you are worth it!!! I know you are a woman of faith. Do you think your HP wants to dependent on these guys or to have faith in him? Let your hp help you through all this.
Yur right pink chip never thought of it that way thanks for the insight,I just don't know how to put it into practice is my main problem one of my main problems anyway ty
Consistent Meetings, reading our literature, watching and listening to how others work the program, doing an assets and gratitude list daily, and maybe choosing one suggestion from the Just for Today card will help you learn how to apply what the program offers as a guide for those of us who know what we're doing isn't working and want to learn a new way of thinking, feeling and behaving. It takes work and practice and you can do it, lu.
Sorry, im lost looking up. Youve got another boyfriend already? I dont understand. I might be reading this wrong but didnt you just split with your ex at the weekend? And now your feeling the same way about someone else? Does this not sound alarm bells to you? I mean you have just left chaos and insanity, not even a week ago and your back on the merrygoround already. I would be asking myself some serious questions. What is going on that I need to be in a relationship no matter what kind of chaos it brings into my life? Am I only a whole person when I have someone to focus on? Are you addicted to drama? this is just my perspective but dont you think your behaviour is similar to an alcoholics, in that your going from one crisis looking to ruch into the next, anything to avoid reality?
I dont know why but this post has really bothered me, sorry looking up, i just cant relate to where you are, I dont get how you can as quick as a flash go back into another relationship that sounds just as bad potentially as the first. I dont see how my esh can be and ever was of any use to you.
Thanx for all the esh here it is greatly apriciated ,I now see how I was really acting on impulse when trying to pursue another relationship and the fact that I am greiveing hard and withdraws don't help this sit so I was just trying to get my fix with another relationship which I'm not pursue ing at all now I'm just working my recovery best I can everyday and busy well I'm been so busy I haven't time for much and no certainly no man for sure I gues it took me a few days and some good alanon reading and meetings to open my eyes to what I was fixxing to get myself into.male friend maybe maybe not just depends if I feel it's a healthy friend only bases but I don't see none of them around I'm enjoying haveing my home to myself just me and my yorkie and doing whatever I want to do I have good healthy friends just blocks away from me I go see often and stay the nite with.this is all so new to me yes I'm a relationship addict I can surely see that now thanks to all my fellow alononers here that's pointed that out and help me to c it too.now to stop it make it stop.yes I'm scared to death at times that I'm starting to have more panic attacks but I'd rather deal with. My attacks then to have to deal with another unhealthy relationship.i can do this I know this world is full of unhealthy men that will knock yur door down if I let them but i don't want that I want better for myself and that's gonna take a lot of working on me for the next year or 2im too old for chaos and drama had it all my life and hated it thought it would get better but it only got worse I'm now in my 50s and my life is half way over so it can only get better from here on out if I allow it working on my program meetings posting posting ,assets and gratitude lists reading alanon lit I'm been reading in the language of letting go by melody Beattie great book I'm half way through it.
