Suicide, Mental Hospital, and Alcoholics - Al-Anon Family Group

enonymous · Newbie

Suicide, Mental Hospital, and Alcoholics

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Well, as you know - there isn't a handbook on this - and I'm with you on the sentiment.

When I've been in very sticky situations that involve a lot of people, I have found it to be extremely helpful to check my motivations and reason out why I am doing what I am doing. That is one of the ways I can stay true to a plan when many outside of me are reacting to something they can't understand. An alcoholic family has had years of secrecy, lies and control maneuvers on everybody's part if there hasn't been any kind of serious recovery work. When something they really can't control happens, as you have discovered - all heck breaks loose. By checking my motivations before I act and by reminding myself of why I have chosen to do what I have or am doing, I can better withstand all the dramatics that comes with the territory with the family and that doesn't mean we'll ever be close again. That is the downside to choosing to act differently in an alcoholic family in some situations.

From what I've read here, I think both you and your husband are doing a tremendous job of trying to help your niece through this difficult time for her. I don't know what your motivations are and from what I've read, they appear very, very loving. As with anything done that is worthwhile, there is a cost to pay. It appears you are willing to pay it. Kudos.

And oops - I forgot to mention - there is Al-Anon for friends and family members who love others with alcoholism. We suggest meetings if you are not already attending - 6 to begin with to see if Al-Anon is right for you. The program will help you deal with many of the issues that can arise for you and help you reason out the best steps to take for self care.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 3rd of October 2014 09:55:51 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 3rd of October 2014 09:59:23 PM

enonymous · Newbie

That means a lot. Thank you.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

As this child goes through her teens it is going to get worse. Just being a teen is so very hard, add on her past, you have a handful.

It will take routine, and consistency from you in everything. No matter what she says, have rules and stick by them. Allow her to help make rules and consequences.

She needs humor, love and support. Positive reinforcement only.

If she has anything to do with that family, she will come home to you in a horrible mess. She will lose it and let everything out on you, because she is safe with you. It's a complement.

Just keep her safe.Remind her where she is, that everything will be ok.

She needs to rebuild her foundation, decorate her own room, develop what she is into. Is she a skater type, foofoo girly type, what does she love to do? She will need to be introduced to things, fishing, skiing, motor cycles, cloths, make up, magazines, walking, running, raise a puppy. My son went on ONE outing with this cool group fishing in the ocean on a boat. Changed his life. He is a master fisherman now. Also very outdoorsy.

Helping her find and develop her passion is so important. My parents buying me my first puppy changed my life. I walked allll the time, people talked to me about my dog.

Al ateen is vital for her. Books about addiction for kids are great for her.

She needs challenges and reaching goals. Horses are a super one for these kids. Especially rescues. She could volunteer at an animal sanctuary.

Her self esteem is probably nil. To have your own family abuse you, tells you you are worthless and not worth loving. She needs to find out for herself she is. Reaching goals and challenges is the key. My son plays guitar, that is always a good one. draws others to her.

IF you do dishes have her help with you. If you are folding cloths have her help you.

Introducing her to a kind, interesting world is so important. Take her to botanical gardens, art galleries whatever.

Be involved at her school. When she has friends, meet them, meet parents.

The most important thing is helping her find her passion in life, what does she enjoy more than anything. Some people never find theirs or are too afraid to develp it.

I was born to love, rescue, rehab animals. Its my passion. My sons is fishing, daughter is fine art. We all love gardening.

Find out what she loves, and give it to her. Thank goodness for people like you. Protect her.

My mother took in my cousin. I raised all my sons friends, and had gardienship of a teen girl too. So I relate.

hugs hugs and welcome to mip

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear enonymous welcome to Miracles in Progress. I am certainly impressed with the love, compassion and empathy that you have exhibited in taking care of this young child, with your partner. Congratulations on your determination and generosity.

I do believe Al-Anon face-to-face meetings that are held in most communities will be able to help you receive the support and understanding that is so desperately important as we strive to recover from this dreadful disease of alcoholism. The hotline number can be found in the white pages and I urge you to attend. There are also Alateen meetings available for children which offers them the support and understanding, from other children who are living in the same situation. You are doing well so please keep coming back and sharing as there is help and hope.

Prayers for a positive outcome for this child

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

At thirteen Suzy is qualified for Al-Anon face to face meetings if Alateen is not available. Certainly the literature will help a lot if she were to have it available. I know PTSD cause I have it also and depression was a huge battle when I was young. I am also a member of Al-Anon and was a child born within the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction. Being born that way and living in it flies in the face of dreams and expectations of happiness and a worthwhile life. Give her some ((((hugs)))) from Hilo and tell her she isn't alone. One thing I learned in early recovery was my phone had an off switch and there was no law that said I had to answer it. (((((hugs))))) again. smile

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

I would also suggest if alateen or alanon is available there is very good intensive therapy called EMDR (eye movement desensitization (crap I forget what the R stands for) anyway, for me and my PTSD it has helped a great deal. I can't explain how it works just that it works. Sometimes there are work programs I don't know if you or your spouse have EAP (employee assistance program) if you have guardianship I would think she could qualify under your insurance? I don't know how that works .. anyway, I would suggest trying out whatever avenues are available. She sounds like she really needs a lot of support at this point and time. What I do know is that recovery can bring on a lot of pain that has been buried and all of a sudden that poor kid is trying to survive only to have blinders torn off .. it's overwhelming to say the least as an adult it's overwhelming I would trust as a child it would be 10 fold. What the mom is doing is mental and emotional abuse (IMHO), that needs to stop. While I believe that contact can be a good thing if it's being used as manipulation then that's not ok and needs to stop. Especially in the beginning of this kid trying to find her footing.

Big hugs and lots of prayers. S :)

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

I have had the privilege of hearing al ateen shares and seen the miracles of their recovery after living with alcoholism in their childhoods.

I would also suggest al anon for you and your husband alcoholism is a family illness.

good luck

hugs tracy xxxx

enonymous · Newbie

I too thought it was a form of manipulation. But when we explained why we felt blocking communication was necessary, mom acted like we were the most heartless people on earth. It made both of us second guess the approach. I don't know if Mom knows that she is being manipulative, or whether her own selfish needs blind her to what she is doing. What I mean by that, is that she was looking for validation that Suzy still loved her by laying it on thick and then continued to lay it on when she didn't get a response. Does she realize how her need for validation actually hurts Suzy?

I am not sure that she will ever get it and it takes a lot for me to just let the unknown go. Part of me is waiting for the next dramatic act to ensue, so we live in fear of everything. Fear Suzy won't recover, fear that Mom is going to make her worse, fear that Suzy will recover and Mom will tarnish it, and ESPECIALLY fear that Mom will try to fight to get her back. Our legal claim is pretty solid - but lawyers cost money and with all of the money we spend trying to restore Suzy's mental health we are limited on funds for a legal battle.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Enonymous,

You are doing the best you can with what you have right now. HP has this, I'm guessing.

Manipulative is manipulative is manipulative. Selfish is selfish. Reasons don't matter. The effects on the manipulee (is that a word?) do matter, especially a minor. Your actions may wake mom up to understand. Or they may not. Either way, you are protecting a little girl, who has no protection of her own, from the effects or an adult mom, who is the one acting like a spoiled brat. Keep it up.

I hope you can find a face to face alanon meeting in your area, for you and Suzy.

Kenny

-- Edited by KennyFenderjazz on Saturday 4th of October 2014 09:04:40 PM

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Alanon and alateen meetings are free and offer real and very supportive and constructive assistance. I urge you to investigate this soure of assistance and keep coming back here as well .

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Mom means whatever she says Ib the moment .. the problem is the follow through. I want to be very clear about this part too my kids and I have been in counseling for over a year. It has never cost a dime .. my STBSX'S company pays that's why I'm able to have the luxury of additional therapy. On my own forget it. Don't even talk about the cost of attys I've been trying to get divorced for 3 years now. As far as legal things I believe that Suzy should qualify for a state guardian atlitem (sp) before doing that do your homework and find out vs getting one and opening a can of worms. The guardian should step in legally and do what is best for get meaning they will suggest if mom needs contact or not. TheÂ system is broken it will work .. it takes a long time. That's why I suggest do your homework and then you can make an informed decision. I do agree with others for your own sake attend alanon .. you willl find support and you might find out you aren't alone. Take support where you can because this kiddo is 13 years old and has a lot on her plate. She has to unlearn all of the previous distorted thinking she has grown up with even if her mom is Satan .. this is her mom. My kids love their dad .. he's their dad .. it is what it is .. they see now his behavior is awful and they do not like his behavior. It's so important for her top realize her mom's garbage is not about her. It's not my journey .. it's my kids .. and letting them walk that is really hard.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.