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I came home and found AH drunk on his day off from work. Our 13 year old was also home from school only an hour before. Son was upstairs in his room. I just lost it when I saw AH. My anger was seething. We had a huge argument in the garage and I told him to leave. We are legally separated but he has been living with us since he got out of treatment 9 months ago. He hasn't been to a meeting in 2 weeks.
So we argued in the garage. I told him I never ever wanted to see him again. He always talks about killing himself. So he threatens that. I said I still wanted him to leave. He tore down the shelves in the garage and the Gatorade & water bottles went everywhere. The shelving was torn in pieces. He pushed me up against the wall and cursed at me. Then he takes his vodka bottle and says he's leaving. I said ok and closed the garage door. Just then it occurred to me he was driving drunk and had an open vodka bottle with him. I called the police and described his car and told them he was driving drunk. He ended up coming back 10 minutes later. Cleaned up some of the mess he made and went to sleep it off in the basement. My 13 year old son heard a lot of it and it just tears me up that I didn't follow everything I've learned in al anon. I should have ignored him completely when I got home. But I blew up and it hurt my son in the process. I am so ashamed.
I just want AH to leave. I bought this house after our legal separation after we sold our old house. This is legally my house and the title is under my name. I want him to leave but asking him to leave doesn't seem to work. He is bipolar and depressed and taking medication for both. I don't want to call the police and have him removed. He is still the father of my children and it seems so cruel.
I talked to my son tonight and told him I'm sorry he heard what he did. I told him that he has a strong mother and I will always take care of his brother & him. When I said I was sorry, he said "but mama, you didn't do anything wrong". It just broke my heart. His hopes of having the father back he used to have long ago are gone. Honestly, the 3 years we lived separately from him brought my sons and I so close together. It is one silver linings in this sad circumstance. I don't know what to do. AH is actually an amazing human being without alcohol. He's not a dry drunk type. But every time this happens, I am reminded why I left him in the first place and wonder why I was so naive to think a four month residential treatment would have caused this time to be different.
I am just broken right now.
It sounds as if a longterm plan would help - what I mean is that if you decide you want him to leave, having a plan as to how to get him to leave is essential - rather than a spur-of-the-moment decision - which is exactly the kind of reaction all of us have experienced, I'm certain. I'm worried about him pushing you up against the wall, though. Clearly when he's drunk he's prone to dangerous behavior. That is yet another reason to have a plan ready. I know this is the kind of planning that no one wants to have to make.
I also use to make it harder on myself with the shame and guilt and self blaming like I was supposed to be perfect under all situations and not just the human being that I was at the time. Self forgiveness is part and parcel of learning how to forgive others. Al-Anon I learned is just about progression and not perfection other wise I'd never have anything to practice over. Just a note...there is no justifications for violence...if he went hands on, on you there has to be better boundaries with better consequences. Being bi-polar, manic, alcoholic etc isn't justification either. Love your son's compassion. Give him a ((((hug))))
Sorry the day was so hard for all of you. I don't know how far along you are in the program and maybe there is a Step or Topic that would be helpful to you to work or reflect on tonight? My readers, the Forum and the Merry-go-round named Denial pamphlets have helped me immensely when I've been going through tough challenges similar to yours. They help me start my day over and begin my program again.
Thank you for your support and suggestions. A long term plan is a good idea. I will put one in place. It will take time. In the meantime, I will leave some things to my HP & learn to forgive myself.
By the way, I take the physical pushing around very seriously. Even though he NEVER does this when he's sober, I know what he's capable of now when he's drinking & I ask him to leave at this time. I will need to put a plan in place.
I feel calmer today - focusing on my kids and myself. AH works today and I'm so glad he will not be home. I wish he worked 7 days a week.
Thanks again for taking the time to reply. I am very grateful.
If he's drinking, Jessmine, and isn't going to AA, he's not sober. He may just be dry? My x would come at me after awhile whenever his brain got scrambled and there was no predicting when it would happen. We could be sleeping in bed and he'd have a wild episode and hit me in his sleep. I like that you are recognizing all the different ways you can take good care of yourself and the new ideas you'll be implementing. I do think that his pushing you is a big warning sign as you have stated and I do feel the desire to caution you based on my own experience and that of other women living with a problem drinker.
I've been numb all day. The only time I've felt anything is gratefulness and pride in my sons. I actually had a wonderful day & evening with them. How did I get so lucky to have such amazing kids? Thank you God.
AH came up to me this morning, bowed his head and said what he had done was unforgivable, and he was ashamed. I told him it was unforgivable and he should be ashamed.
He went to work and texted me a couple of times that he could not believe that he did what he did. I did not answer. He came home tonight, talked to my younger son (who heard some of what happened yesterday). I don't know what he said to him, but he was quiet & humble and hugged him and told him he loves him. He didn't drink tonight. Just asked me if I was going to sleep in our bedroom (I slept on the couch last night), and said he was going to sleep. I said as little as possible. I just feel numb towards him. I just want to be left alone. I don't care that he is sorry, feels sad & ashamed. I will take my time caring for myself and deciding with the help of al anon what is best for me & my sons.
Another sober day, thank God. AH went to 2 AA meetings today. He's never done that before. I'm glad for him but will not let my happiness & serenity be dependent on him. It's so hard not to get my hopes up. Each time I do, I am eventually disappointed. He seems so genuinely sorry about what happened on Friday. I want to forgive but it's not easy. I slept on the couch again last night. I feel like if I sleep in our bedroom, I'll be "giving in" - i.e., that it will mean I've forgiven him. Is that wrong to want to punish him like that? I know he is a good man when he's sober. A caring & gentle person. But it's so hard to accept that, that person disappears when he drinks.
I hope you are attending regular al,anon meetings and have a sponsor. After reading your posts, I see an abusive cycle in the works. His remorse and actions seem to be softening and setting you up for the next round. And isn t this your bedroom he is sleeping in? Why are you not sleeping in it and he out? He was violent with you and chances are will be violent again. Of course you are numb...the body knows when it needs to self protect and we need to listen to it. I feel for you and your sons. And your son told the truth, you did nothing wrong.. Take care of you and your precious children.
I am of the same mind as PP on this, sister. My x was also always remorseful and I bought into it because I wanted to believe what he said when everything in me was saying "no, don't believe this." I had a fantasy of what life could be with him when the reality seemed more than I could take in. As I spent more and more time alone in solitude, parts of me were knitted together and in some ways I was put together again. Enough to recognize that my numbing out was my psyche protecting me until I could consciously deal with the facts at hand - I didn't like being abused by someone who was intended to protect me and safeguard my heart but wasn't doing that. He was too sick to be who I had hoped he'd be and the in between times were merely a holding pattern until the next time his poor brain and damaged self saw me as the enemy and struck again. He wasn't going to save me. I had to save myself. I wasn't doing anything wrong. I was ignoring my value and my worth and accepting unacceptable behavior from a very sick man because down deep I believed I deserved it. That wasn't true. It is never true. No one deserves to be the punching bag of an abusive male or female who are allowed to get away with it and do know they are doing it. They may be sick but they are not stupid.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 6th of October 2014 08:31:53 AM
Thank you for the support & concern. I should clarify one thing. The reason I feel numb is because of relapse concerns. I don't feel numb because I'm mentally preparing myself for any future physical abuse. He has not been physical before like when he pushed me against the wall and I'm really not worried about that happening again. My numbness comes from the relapses. When he relapses, his typical behavior is to isolate himself and be very depressed and withdrawn. I am well aware that physical abuse starts somewhere and escalates. And if that were the case here, I would be completely open about it.
And yes, it is my bedroom. But he asked me if I wanted him to sleep in the basement. I said no because I didn't want to sleep in the bedroom anyway. I wanted to curl up on the couch next to the fireplace and have my comfort & solitude.
He is sober again today and I am doing a good job staying detached but kind. I attend 2 FTF al anon meetings every week. He knows this and is actually very supportive of it. He is also a good father - NEVER says anything negative to our boys. ALWAYS tells them how smart, kind, creative & talented human beings they are. He has also on many occasions talked with them very openly about addiction and asking them not to drink at all when they grow up because look at what it can do to a life (lives).
I will keep my EYES WIDE OPEN and be realistic about his recovery. I have no illusions - I've been married to this man for almost 21 years and know all this strengths, weaknesses, genuineness, dishonesty about drinking (comes with the territory).
Thank you for taking the time to help me sort through this. It's such a selfless thing you all do - helping someone you've never met with true concern and honest advice.
I appreciate every reply from each of you & read your responses over & over.
(((J))) He isn't recovering from what you've written here and it sounds as if you are! Sending lots of encouragement, support and prayers for you and for your family. I'm glad you are attending Al-Anon meetings and finding ways to take good care of yourself.
