Well the need for attention is not present today...I am just grateful for friends & family & how much I need them & they need me. I am often asked for my opinion & it really matters to people. I don't have to put on "airs" anymore. The program has taught me how to better deal w/ people in & on the outside. I am sure that I can be of service. I haven't been to an outside meeting in a long time. I think I shared for years how I used to attend this meeting on the 2nd Tues. of the month. Anyhow, I still want to go sometimes. But, it is over 60 miles away. My dear AH doesn't want to be a GSR for his group anymore. He used to meet at the same time my meeting was but he needed to leave early all the time so we could make the trek home before dark. And, that is understandable I guess.

So, I won't be going to the Gratitude Banquet next month either unless someone else asks me to go w/ them. Anyhow, another reason for my husband to not go to something. He feels that the District group is not doing what they should by having it somewhere where they have to be uppity. I mean it is the nicest place they can have it & I think it is OK. These days I have been coming out of my reclusive cave & getting more involved in life. So, as I project a little, I see the future & my program kind of not as important in the long run. I am still basically living one day at a time. I just had so much to look forward to in the past & now I feel kind of disappointed.

At least today is a beautiful day & I am out & about, moseying along. I used that word not knowing how to spell it & hope you know what I mean. I have to be honest though, I am starting to spend a little money that I actually have & feel that I don't have to run it by my AH. He had a fit this morning when I withdrew money not knowing what it was for. He is on my accounts for different reasons. At least I told him I was going to take the money out. It is funny I used to do a lot of things behind his back. Today he thought about what I was doing & asked why it was a "mystery" why I was spending the money. Actually, one of the ladies that goes to my meeting who I really want to be anonymous, is doing a fundraiser for her son to go to Washington, D.C. I want to buy something from the catalog & don't really feel my AH needs to know. He just called me on the phone so I got my train of thought interrupted. I am kind of miffed now. I guess I will get over it. I am just not too sure how I feel about him all of a sudden wanting to know every little thing I do w/ my money.

Today is still a great day as I can start my day over. I don't even know really why I shared all this. I guess it is just my way of getting it out of me so I can let it all go.

Tonight is an open AA meeting so I am going to go. Plans might change though because sometimes I feel tired & don't want to spend 1 1/2 hours when I feel tired or stressed--meetings are supposed to make me feel better but to be honest, I am not sure how bad I want to go at all. Sometimes AA is just another meeting to go to besides another anonymous program I go to. I hope I am just not settling for something I really don't want to do. I have misgivings about my life in & around the real Program. I know that Al anon comes from the original program of AA but I think that it is different in enough ways. So, after going to open meetings since I was about 19, I am comfortable in pretty much any meeting. Sometimes I feel I am contradicting myself. I apologize for being as I call it such an airhead! I am going to stop her because I feel like I will start putting myself down & I really don't want to.

Kathleen