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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> What he says hurts
Post Info TOPIC: What he says hurts
Newlife girl


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What he says hurts
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I still need to grow a thicker skin. AH has a tone of voice with me that's hard to hear. He just can't be polite and civil. he hangs up on me a lot even when I am just talking about daughter and her schedule. So I asked him to please sound better in front of daughter and he says "why do you suddenly want to be nice? You've been mean to me for 12 years. It's over. There's no moving forward. I tried to be nice and apologetic and it hasn't worked. I tried to change almost a year ago. I started outpatient rehab last November. Was I perfect? No. Recovery involves slip ups. " 

all of this over generalization comes out of his mouth when all I asked is if we both can just sound nice and polite. 

Sometimes I feel like apologizing and trying to make things better just so he will sound nice. I have a hard time dealing with his blunt tone. i suppose this is a big example of codependency. 

I think as time goes by I will recover from this craziness and just think "whatever. He is not in recovery. Nothing is changing."

I feel like my whole identity has been as a mom and wife since 1989. So when I hear "you've been mean to me for 12 years" it makes me feel like I didn't do my job as a wife....even if what he says isn't true.  I need to focus on the fact my kids are doing great...even though I married two jerks. 



-- Edited by Newlife girl on Friday 3rd of October 2014 12:40:54 PM



-- Edited by Newlife girl on Friday 3rd of October 2014 12:50:51 PM

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grateful2be


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I can understand and relate to a lot of what you have shared here. I see that you invited him to consider moderating his tone of voice when speaking with you. I see that his answer was "no." The assets I see here is that you asked for what you wanted and you clearly heard his answer. Accepting that it is hard for you to ask for what you want and to hear the word "no" when you do is progress. I'm glad you have chosen to take your focus off him and his perspectives and behaviors and put it on yourself and your relationship to your children since it seems to help you feel more peace and acceptance of the things you believe you have done well.

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Jill


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Me too. I had your same experience of hearing hateful things (words and tone) from my husband as we were divorcing. Ugh I even believed some of them, because he would wrap them in a smidgeon of truth. Then I looked for any evidence, and I saw the tiny % that was true, so I mistakenly swallowed the whole hateful spew. Don't go there!

It is maybe impossible to be a wife to someone who has fallen down the rabbit hole so far. The issue of assigning blame (even blaming ourselves) is not productive. I also couldn't be a wife to someone who had already died. Who can? It's an illusion if both people are not present and working at it.

I couldn't expect polite or even neutral behavior from my ex, especially once he found his own permission to be so disrespectful to me. Avoiding him worked better.
I understand you are both raising your daughter. You have my best wishes as you continue to apply the tools. He may not change. You get to live a free life.

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pinkchip


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He is miserable and alone and bitter. He is the dumpee also and you are the dumper. Guys in general act awful in the face of rejection. Throw in alcoholic and mentally ill....Well, there you have it.

I don't know that it will do you any good to challenge his silly assumptions. I've been sober 6 years as of Wednesday this week and guess how many slip ups I have had? ZERO. (knock on wood) Recovery also involves getting a sponsor, working the steps, going to meetings and not downing Nyquil bottles so who is he to tell you what recovery is about?

QTIP is the tool that comes to mind. Seriously - these are words from a wounded and sick individual. I recognize there's a long history and you invested a lot into the relationship, but he's not the same guy you fell for and you are not the same woman either.

I know you have some shared parenting but to me, it sounds like you are communicating with him more than you probably ought to and it's opening yourself up to hurt. It seem similar to picking an infected scab. (Yes..I know I apologize for comparing your marriage to an infected scab) but seriously, at this point it (in my experience) distance and space are needed for parties to heal or not heal on their own.

If your daughter was punching herself in the face and telling you "Mommy it hurts when I do that!", what would you tell her? "Stop doing that!" So yeah...combo of QTIP and minimize communication or keep it more formal (in writing maybe?)


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Debilyn


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A thicker skin is not going to help you one bit. I see you taking abuse, and going back for more.

It's a matter of avoiding poisonous people, not giving them any part of you.

How dare he speak to you this way. Again it is up to you to figure out how to not be around him or talk to him... hugs



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Newlife girl


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Thanks. PC. Good analogy about my daughter. I agree with you and Debilyn. Avoidance is best. Eventually I will have to get more stuff out of my house...but I've gotten the most important things already.
Right PC...he is claiming he saw the light last November but he had 3 drinking episodes after that. I have not seen him display a sincere attitude about recovery. He had the pink cloud back in November for a few weeks. He went to a few meetings. No sponsor, that I know of. Junk is still surrounding the house. Etc. I could whine forever. I text him too much. I admit I make mistakes.
I will keep working the program....progress not perfection.

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Newlife girl


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Congratulations on 6 years of sobriety PC!!

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pinkchip


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:) thanks!

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Mirandac


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I Limit conversation with my dry AH since he stated he wanted a divorce
And moved out.We write in notebook,text if needed only,Or talk thru lawyers.

He got very abusive toward me in the last three years. Nasty tone of voice,
Dismissive attitude, nothing you could really pin down. It was emotional and
Verbal abuse plain and simple. He is not emotionally sober or mature and
Could not deal with his emotions after starting AA. Everything was my fault,
Not his behavior making me that way. It is a terrible disease.












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