He is all packed up. - Al-Anon Family Group

Luiza · Senior Member

He is all packed up.

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

You know much more about how dangerous he is than anybody else, but it seems to me that the police and the courts wouldn't think it was okay to take all of that away from a child and her mother. Or is he bluffing, or trying to get a reaction out of you? I'm so glad you are staying calm. You may feel it's okay, as long as he leaves. You'll get by somehow. Maybe there's an agency or a church that would get a few things for you to use. I can't remember if you have friends there. What a horrid, horrid disease.

Bless you.

Temple

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Luiza: I'm glad you have an appointment with Social Services coming up. I'm also glad you are not fighting with him over the household things at this point based on what appears to be his desire to punish you with apparently no regard for his daughter's well-being. The police might be able to give you some input as to what your legal rights might be in this regard that they would be willing to handle for you or with you or make suggestions on the best ways they can see you can take good care of yourself and your daughter if he is taking your shared items with him and the fact that he has a key to the apartment? Just suggestions that might feel right to you to pursue? Given the reality that you have called the police 3 different times because of his off the wall behavior, I think it is very wise of you not to try to handle all this by yourself.

Luiza · Senior Member

Hi Temple, thanks so much for reaching out.

I don't care about all this stuff. I am sure I can get one fork here and one plate there somehow. I am resourceful and I am definitely not a materialistic person at all.

I have cried for help at all the official agencies in the UK. They don't believe I am suffering enough or in enough danger because there is no physical harm and no rape.
Also because he treats our daughter well (despite the BS he tells her sometimes, specially about the divorce and how bad I am for separating). And because he is at his worst when drunk. People don't really understand the disease and how horrible it is living with it.

Tomorrow I will make more phone calls and cry for help a bit more. Hopefully on the counselling appointment I will be able to talk to someone face to face and see if I can get help. People just seem to be pushing me around, referring me to each other and I run in circles and get no where. Even the police officers couldn't do much...just told me to call again in case things get worse...

I don't want to complain and rant. I know there are women out there going through worse and getting even less support. At least I have my awareness now (thanks HP) and my desire to get out and get healthy.

And I know it must be very difficult for him too. Hey, I am going through this now but I am HAPPY. I am nearly out. I am OUT in my head already! But him...he is confused, unhappy, angry, resentful and sick. I am sure he is having a worse time than I am. I will keep reminding myself of my gratitude list and praying.

Luiza · Senior Member

Thanks grateful. I will see if I give a call to the police non emergency number tomorrow. I really don't care about the items. I just want peace!
He could go live with his parents until he finds a suitable place. Could be so easy...but I am now starting to think that even his parents don't want him. Maybe they never gave him this option after all.

Luiza · Senior Member

And he says he loves our daughter yet is not able or doesn't care to understand how his behaviour is messing up with her head. Do you know why?
Because it is all my fault. All my fault. Everything he ever wanted to do was to have a family and provide. He drinks, my fault, he shouts, my fault, he calls me a bitch, I deserve it, my fault. I just can't handle a bit of stress...I am just running away. Because I don't want to support him.
Yes Deblyn, I know LOL. His brain is pickled.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Think of him like a spoiled child being told no for the first time. He is getting some well deserved consequences that will do him good. Its much better for his health and yours that he feels as bad as possible, see it like delayed pain, saved up consequences, natural, good for you. Often, alcoholics dont get the pain, the natural consequences in the usual dose, we usually cushion them, save them, rescue, pick up the pieces so they dont feel it, so they are stunted in their growth into an adult.
You have said no more and hes stamping his feet, he doesnt like it, it feels bad and it cant be his fault because it never ever has been, its somebody elses fault, anybody. With my ex it was his mother, brother, me, the neighbours, his friends, his boss, his religion and repeat. For years and years, at least I only had one person I blamed, I was consistent. I blamed him. Anyway, im glad your feeling better and all you can do is focus on your dauter. Dont hesitate to get him arrested if he crosses the line.

Jill · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh Luiza you are not complaining. Yes some people have a more serious situation, but that does not diminish the challenge you are experiencing now. It is a big deal to separate, even without the petty kitchen utensil prank he played.

This summer I broke my back in a fall. I had to be almost immobile for about 3 months. I am so grateful the healing went well. The inactivity left me weak and off-balance. I go to physical therapy, and the first thing they have me do is to gauge my pain level. I usually say oh I know you have clients in tremendous pain. I'm not like that. Finally she told me today I don't want you to compare what YOU are feeling to my other clients' pain. I'm asking about YOU. Hhhhmmmmm. I got that.

Congrats on your progress knowing what you want for you and your daughter and taking the steps to make that happen.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Luiza)))) You are doing soooo well and even the resentments will go away after a while and with forgiveness practices. Your detachment seems really full; mind, body, spirit and emotions ...Great!! You are and will continue to do well as you keep working it. It seems that you expect the insanity so are not thrown off by it when it is moving. That one helped me also. Holding you in prayer. Keep coming back and keep repeating what you've been doing that is working. ((((hugs)))) smile

Luiza · Senior Member

Thanks Jerry, Jill, LC.
Thanks MIP and Al-Anon, last but not least, Thank you God.
We just need a solution. Just a place for one of us to go to. It will come. I trust.
I need to go to sleep. Good night.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

((Luiza)) I can relate to your posts and I'm glad you're reaching out to many for help. Even if you don't want the things that he's taking, please let those you're reaching out to know everything that is happening. The details can become important in expediting the help that you need.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Holding you and your daughter in prayer, Luiza. You are doing great.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

My friends husband took stuff.She was fine about it as she knew then she could go out and go thrift

shopping and find more stuff!

I hope you can ignore his boloney and think about you and kiddo. Making your own home can be fun. Even if it is tiny or needs to be fixed up!

sending you love and hugs!

sad_dog_mommy · Veteran Member

((( hug )))

I agree with Debilyn; you can find great things at thrift/charity shops. It will be easy to find 2 plates, 2 forks, 2 mugs, 2 bowls, 2 spoons... Goodbye to him.

You are strong and I predict that you will come out of this situation an even stronger person.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Isn't it weird Luiza, my ex did the same...stuff he didn't need, personal things of mine...and my daughters things like her toys, her shoes, her good winter coat...he kept it (although he hardly saw her for a couple of year after he left..his choice) and then gave it back to me when she had outgrown it and couldn't use it anymore...all of my books...he insisted he never took them (boxes and boxes of books) yet years later I saw them all on his bookshelf, if I opened the covers you'd see my name in them. Uni books, stuff he had no use for. He never bought ANYTHING for our home, it was all my things and stuff my parents bought for us yet he took everything he could get his hands on. It was SO weird. I know, it's just stuff, we can get more but it's still so wrong and so strange. Spiteful really.
Hugs!!! I hope this nightmare is over for you soon.
(((Luiza)))

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Hang in there Luiza. I know it's hard. Thinking about you.

Luiza · Senior Member

I had planned to spend the morning doing phone calls until time to go to work (11:30 am) when I receive a call very early and I am asked to go to work at 9am. Fine, I think, I can do my phone calls another day. I then work the whole day and come back to find STBXH putting everything up again, unpacking and making the apartment look nice. He is not moving anymore "but maybe he will". He packed one box with "my" stuff, just books...apparently this is everything I own from the home along with my clothes.

I have to say, I relapsed. I lost my serenity. It wasn't too bad but I went back being sarcastic, unkind and saying things I don't really mean. And I got so angry inside, I thought about getting him to loose the plot and treat me really bad so I could call the police again and get him arrested. Obviously I didn't do that.

I went out for a walking, made few phone calls to get help from authorities and was told again that no help is available for me at this point until things get worse.
I guess I just now need to wait until the end of the month until I have the appointment with Social Services and see if they can make the council help me but I will also prepare to be told that my situation is not too bad.

I spoke to my sister and told her what is going on. She offered some money should I find a place and a Landlord willing to rent for me. Other idea is us renting together but she can't move out of her place until January and can't commit long term as she wants to live abroad soon.

I guess I just need to keep strong and keep listening to my HP, maybe I will find an answer. A can't evict me from this place and if he behaves badly I can call the police, and this will make my case stronger, so I will just keep working my programme and try not to relapse again. I tried to make amends with him for my behaviour but he isn't interested. I apologised anyway.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Omgoodness luiza I'm so very sorry he's playing games with you. I pray for your sake and your daughter's you can move. My stbax tried to that and I'm way bad that way. I sent him out with his clothes abd that was it. Now he was moving to his mother's so that was different in terms of the logic I used and he went along with it. Me getting physically away from stbax was priceless. Had he wanted to screw with me insisting on me moving would have been the way to go. I will tell you I would have moved while he was gone out of the house and I would encourage you to do the same. You know what you are dealing with at this point. It's ok to lose it because it's an opportunity to really see what works and what doesn't. Please do ..take care of you and your daughter. Hugs ..

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