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hello! I'm Fairlee. Married 19 years to a great guy, if it wasn't for his alcohol addiction. He has been a heavy drinker as long as I have known him, but things are starting to progress in a very negative direction, affecting our livelihood (which he denies...we are self-employed, which makes his drinking even easier) We have three great teenage kids. My AH works by himself, with a few employees, but spends the majority of his day (and evening) doing whatever by himself (and no one knows what).
He has never been around the kids much, which has made them grow up with not much of a relationship with him. They see that he is different every night when he comes home, but he is in such deep denial that he pretty much just acts as if yes kids are still 2,4 and 5 years old, and thinks they dont know that he is an A. He has admitted several times to having a drinking problem. He has tried to stop many times. He will start out strong, and then his attitude is " I work hard, I like to drink, I'm going to do what I want."
He has been turned down by life insurance because of his medical tests for said insurance coming back with indications of liver disease. 4 years after that, he had to have hernia surgery and the surgeon told him he needed to stop drinking. He drank that day.
I've been dealing with this for so long. I get mad and loose it every time he promises to quit and doesn't. I take it very personally, like if he wanted a life with us, he would quit so he would be around...I know this is very sick thinking. My Dad died a very long, slow death with cancer. I watched my mom and dad both deteriorate during the 10 years they struggled with cancer (physically, mentally, spiritually and financially) it was a nightmare. I don't want this same fate...I figure if there is anything you can do to maximize your health, you do it, right? My dad couldn't help that he got cancer. He was a very health conscious person. My AH has a choice. He can quit drinking and live healthy...but he refuses.
I'm just so frustrated and insecure. I don't trust my AH because all of this drinking (during the weekdays and Sundays) is not in front of me...it's just all sketchy. (he has no problem drinking in front of me at social gatherings, on weekends) I find myself searching for clues and accusing him of this or that...it's horrible. I hate who I have become. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know where to turn. I live days in denial trying to just put up a happy front for my kids. I feel as much a part of his big "show" and I don't know how to stop. I have been self-employed and a mom for many years and I am looking at trying to find a job and I'm scared. We live in a very rural area where I would have to drive an hour each way to get a job...al anon meetings are that far away too. I am going to try to start going at least once a week. Something has to change in my life and I know it can only be me.
What frustrates me the most is he thinks we don't know what he is doing...that we can't tell by his voice, his face, the way he acts that he has been drinking all day long...it's like he thinks we are all stepid and we are just supposed to be thankful that he works so hard for us...the kids are supposed to respect him...they don't - respect has to be earned. Him telling them not to go out and drink? What a joke!
Sorry for for the very long rant. This is the first time I have put this "out there" I am doing my research and I AM GOING TO GET BETTER because I know I have to...I'm just so unsure of so many things. I guess we all are though. Thank you for listening. I'm ready to learn about al anon and freedom from MY disease.
Hi Fairlee and welcome to MIP. You have found a whole bunch of supportive friends here. We know your pain. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that affects the entire family. I like what you said, "I'M GOING TO GET BETTER because I know I have to." Your husband is sick, and you cannot help him, but you can help yourself. If you have not been to an Al-Anon meeting, I strongly recommend you seek them out. Al-Anon is for family and friends of alcoholics. In the meantime, you can start reading Al-Anon literature. Al-Anon practices the same twelve steps as AA., along with The Serenity Prayer, and slogans. You are reaching out for help, and this is great!! Hang in there and focus on YOU.
One of my favorite slogans is "Let go and let God"
Take care of you and please keep coming back.
((Fairlee))
-- Edited by cloudyskies on Thursday 2nd of October 2014 03:28:45 PM
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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
Welcome! That was a very well expressed and well thought out introductory post. I believe you are in the right place here and many, if not all of us can identify with what you are going through.
I love your resolve and that you still have such a positive attitude about change coming from you and you getting better regardless of him. Lots of folks have to be taught that or rebuild it after years of being worn down by the A.
The only part I would be open to change of thinking based on your post is that he has a clear cut "choice" between drinking and not. It is a very sneaky addiction and there is choice to get treatment/help but 99 percent of alcoholics cannot just stop on their own for very long. So...for him to get to the point of really quitting, it will probably involve him also being humble and ready enough to accept help. Until then, assuming he has a choice and that his statements about "stopping" are worth much is just going to set you up to be frustrated and disappointed because that is not how the disease and how recovery from it works.
I doubt he really thinks you guys are stupid or that he's fooling you. He just doesn't want it to be an issue. His alcoholism wants him to keep drinking. Period. He wants to do that with as little opposition as possible so he tries to "act sober" rather than like a slobbering fall down drunk. This also allows him to minimize the disease and keeps him thinking that he is functional when he's really only "semi" functional at best.
I am only saying all this because it can sometimes help to let go of the anger at your qualifier. He has a bitch of a disease. That does not mean he is never to be held accountable or that he has zero choice. He could choose recovery but it sounds like he's not there. It's a complicated disease. You don't even know for sure how much of his behavior is him versus his alcoholism...so sad and frustrating.
Again, thank you for trusting us with your story and you sound like you are taking some really good first steps here.
Thank you cloudyskies and pinkchip. It is really good to hear some perspective. Pinkchip, I will be saving your post to read over and over again...very wise and some things I really have not thought of. Thank you :)
Welcome to Miracles in Progress! I would recommend you go to an Al Anon face to face meeting. You will find out that there are many in situations similar to yours. You can also find some great literature there. My two favorites are "The Merry Go Round of Denial" and "How Al Anon Works".
Welcome to MIP Fairlee. I dont post here very often, but I visit and read just about daily. The members here have some great information to share and their own experiences really help in shedding light on various situations. You are not alone.
One thing about your post that really struck me was that you mentioned that you and your husband are self-employed. For most, being self-employed is a wonderful thing and being your own boss certainly has so many advantages. In the world of the alcoholic, those advantages (in their eyes) are often,really disadvantages. Being their own boss seems to give them the opportunity to have, what they might view as, the best of both worlds. They might have a very successful business which might be run by a very supportive staff, which sometimes gives them the benefit of doing what they enjoy doing (drinking, behaving irresponsibly, etc) while the dutiful staff hides their bosses behaviors to protect their own livelihood. My ex has his own business and it is successful because of his talented staff. I came to realize that, if he did not have his own business and had to answer to an employer, he would not be employed. He always told me that he could never work for anyone but himself. Now I know why!
I also agree with what pinkchip shared regarding him making a choice between drinking and not drinking. For the A, it is not always that easy due to the nature of the disease. At this point, the important thing is to take care of you and your children. His own recovery is all on him. You have reached out and have found MIP and that is a great start! You mention that F2F meetings are quite a distance away, so I wanted to mention that the online meetings (link at top of page) are very helpful. Keep coming back!
Welcome to MIP, Fairlee. Glad you found us. You will find that the experience, strength & hope you hear from other people who have been through similar if not the same experiences you have, will speed your recovery. Yes, people who have lived with the effects of alcoholism need recovery just as much as the alcoholic. Once you change, your husband may be motivated to change as well.
Thank you, Kenny, Green Eyes, LiveLaughLove and Courage. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your support and input.
LiveLaughLove...I can relate to what you said about the self-employment. I almost want to go and ask our employees what they think about AH but I think that might cross the line a little...it's so funny because the way our business works, I am pretty much at the house, which is our main office, but AH and the employees are in the field. So I don't really know what goes on out there, but I can only imagine that the employees can see AH slipping as much as I can. The business has been not doing well the last few years (not because of him, of course...cough cough (That's what he says - he has every excuse in the book)) and he also says the "I don't think I could work for anyone at a job" and I'm like "no. In the real world you would be FIRED) ahhh his little make-believe world...There is so much "shadiness" involved in my AH's drinking also, I suppose since he is out there drinking all day alone. He knows I know when he has been drinking (which is every day, EVERY day) yet he chooses to hide the actual consumption, the majority of the time. Last night I left my vehicle up at a football stadium so we needed to take his work pickup up to the game...he wouldn't allow it. It's like his pickup is where all of his secrets are...I just don't know if I can keep a smile on my face and disregard all of this....I feel like a canon that is getting stuffed full of gunpowder and I'm afraid I'm going to blow and it is going to be soooo ugly. Everything I have is open to him - I have nothing to hide and I want the same in return! I'm so frustrated! Sorry for going on and on...
No need to apologize, Fairlee...we all need to vent! This is a good place to do it. You are correct in that it may not be a good idea to ask the employees what their take is on him. The interesting thing is that it often seems like they (the A) think that everyone around them is completely in the dark when it comes to their behaviors when, in reality, everyone is very well aware of what is going on.
You are correct in that it may not be a good idea to ask the employees what their take is on him. The interesting thing is that it often seems like they (the A) think that everyone around them is completely in the dark when it comes to their behaviors when, in reality, everyone is very well aware of what is going on.