The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Lately, I feel like I'm constantly appologizing. I feel like I go into something with very clear and kind intentions and then somehow things get twisted into me being a bad guy. And I end up appologizing for it. And it's wearing me out. I mean, where do I go wrong? And I also feel like I'm so often misunderstood.
Recently my friend's dog died. It's understandably very heartbreaking to her. Now I thought about what I could do or say to console her and would would console me if I were in that place. So I shared some of my fond memories of the dog. And I was immediately accused of "making it about me" and "being selfish and inconsiderate". I've also been looking for a dog and kind of shared that, thinking that it would conjur fond memories of when she first got her dog. And I was again accused of being "appalingly inconsiderate."
Now I realize that people grieve in different ways. However, it came from such a kind and sincere place from my heart. Instead of being yelled at, it would have been much nicer if someone just privately said, "Hey, I think you're missing the mark."
In any case, this is just one small example.
Another is that over and over, I feel like someone does something shitty to me, and then I end up appologizing for it. I'm freaking over it.
After reading your post I was thinking about the fact that when we make a decision to do/say something it has to be something we are comfortable with. My motives are often questioned by my A, sometimes verbally and sometimes nonverbally. If I explore my own motives and it is clear to me that they were sincere then I am ok. I cannot control or change the way what I do is perceived by another person. As long as I know why I did something and am comfortable with my choice then that is all that matters. I am trying to carry this out "in all my affairs", when I can see the tools in action (which is often easier to sick outside of the sick alcoholic relationship) it gives me the strength to continue.
When I was a child I used to apoligize for everything. It got to the point where I remember some of my relatives punishing me for saying "I'm sorry" They would tell me to go sit in the chair for 5 min and think about why I was apologizing. That did help me realize that I was taking on alot of things that weren't mine to bear. That didn't stop those around me from putting it on me. LOL
As for you example w/ the dog, I don't see anything wrong with saying I'm sorry that you took that wrong, I was just trying to share good thoughts of your beloved dog, to remind you of the good times. You weren't saying sorry as an apology but more of of empathy. It sounds like you basically eulogized the dog.
For me, apologies are for me. I say them as part of my making amends. To complete the amends I still have to change my behavior. The only time I will apologize for something I'm not sorry for is to get my A to shut up. LOL Again I'm doing it for me. I only do this when she is constantly demanding an apology. I'll say it to shut her up. She may quip that I didn't mean it, but ya know what? Maybe she shouldn't have demanded it then. ;) Again, I don't do it to be mean but to get some peace and quiet. Totally for me. ;)
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
I can understand what you were doing, I try to be very philosophical about things. I would hoep that when I am gone, ppl don't sit there & cry but share what they loved about me the most.
So, I'm saying, I would have done the same thing.
If you have been contemplating getting a dog ~ they are so healing & wonderful ~ training a puppy, it's like having a little baby that grows to be your best friend that loves you unconditionally.
Don't let someone else's bad reaction stop you from expressing a new avenue of love for you. I say, do it ~ go find a pet to love! It has nothing to do w/ ur friend but if you halt your plans, then they're like "running your life/making decisions for you."
Besides, the one constant we have in life is that everything always keeps on changing. We are born, grow, live & die. Everything dies, it's a natural law, no biggie, no one's fault, just life!
Love, -Kitty of Light
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Thanks everyone for sharing. My friend and I have smothed things over and are fine. I guess I just need to evaluate my appologies and the motives behind them.
