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I am very new to this program, so I am just starting to learn. I have been listening to the alanon speakers on YouTube, reading books, going to f2f and MIP. So I am really getting confused as to what is the right behavior towards them and where my responsibility ends. Is there a good book or another source to get this info or you guys could share your experience.
Like if my husband is saying something negative to them or criticizing or comparing them to somebody else, should I interfere and I how? If the kids argue over small things between each other, do I need to stop it and how? If I see the kids are upset over what somebody said or something they didn't get, do I need to go "make them feel better"
To me it is getting a little but more clear about minding my business with another adult, but I am really confused where my responsibility ends with my small kids.
Are there any Do's and Dont's?
Thank you!
Hi venera, I remember feeling a bit like tgis although my son was a teenager, 15, when I joined alanon. I was also a bit confused then I learned that he was my main priority and my focus had to be on him and me. Looking after him properly meant setting boundaries for him and when he crossed them putting appropriate consequences in place. For him it was removing his playstation and things like that. Kids need boundaries.
When my ex was behaving in an inappropriate way, I told my son he was sick and his behaviour was part of his illness. For small kids, I think its especially important for there to be one healthy person to show them a good role model and so they know what healthy is. There is a booklet called how to help our children. This has lots of suggestions. Its very difficult to bring up children in an alcoholic home and for them not to be damaged but some grown children talk about the damage being done by the sober parent. Keep on working it, more and more will be revealed that should remove your confusion.
Thank you! When my husband is drinking it is easy to explain that to kids and they understand. In fact he says those things sober like week after drinking and I don't know how to respond. If it is towards me I can figure out what to do with alanon tool, but if it is towards kids and I feel like I have to defend them
Venera Alcoholism is present even if the person is not drinking. This is a difficult situation I would validate them in such a way as to rebuild their self esteem and not engage with his comments. You are doing well Attending meetings, using the literature will enable you to know instinctively how to respond in the future
I use the line all of the time whatever your dad does or doesn't do it's not about you. I also tell them it's ok to love their dad and dislike the behavior. My oldest will tell him dad, I love you however that's not an appropriate position to put us in .. she's very direct with him because his choices are that bad. The other thing we have discussed with the therapist is your dad loves you the best that he can .. sometimes his best really sucks. You do deserve to not have to deal with this .. this is what our live lesson is .. it's better to take it and find out how to work with it while realizing you don't have to do anything for people to love you .. that's distorted thinking. Now my kids and i are different. We put stuff out on the table and really talk about it .. I don't sugar coat .. I own my part and we talk about different solutions. I'm not going to pretend their reality is not real .. bumps and bruises make us who we are and somethings need refinement. It is what it is and if it's a big pile of poop then it's a big pile of poop. Good stuff grows in poop. Hugs .. my kids are 10 and 15.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
These are great suggestions! Thank you! When he is drinking and has wrong behaviour it is easier to explain them. What is hard is if when he is sober for a good period of time and kind if starts acting normal and responsible and loving dad, this is when it is hard to make a comment infront of him. For example if the kids do something good at sports and we are cheering it with them, he may bring up another super child who did even better than them and say that by now they should be at that level. So it feels like it wasn't good enough. I feel like if I let that go unspoken it will be effecting kids, but for sure if I say something to him it is just going to be an argument.
Going back and validating their achievement is important. Simply stating I did notice so much improvement from the last game you are really growing and on your way. The only true comparison is to our own last achievement
