Heartbroken - Al-Anon Family Group

Hullibee · Senior Member

Heartbroken

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I hope there's no chance or history of your A being violent? If that's the case, a more careful plan may be in order.

Take good care of yourself.

Hullibee · Senior Member

He has not been violent for many years. I don't think that will be the case. Just sadness

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sorry Ellen This is a dreadful disease over which we are powerless. Please know that you are a beautiful, compassionate, desirable ,intelligent woman that any person would be fortunate to know. Make an asset and gratitude list daily

Hullibee · Senior Member

I don't know how to make this list. Right now I'm not too grateful. All I can do is cry.

Thanks Hotrod

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

(((H)))

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

((Hullibee)) I am so very sorry this is happening to you. It's understandable that you need time to cry. Crying is a way to relieve pain. But when you are cried out, make an assets list. Be gentle with yourself. Take care of you.

((((Hullibee)))

-- Edited by cloudyskies on Thursday 2nd of October 2014 10:24:02 AM

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Some days when all seemed loss and I was losing my marriage and all the comforts financially that we had together. I had to find the littlest things to make a gratitude list with, like my kids are healthy, I have my health, which was big after living through ovarian cancer! Sometimes the little things end up being the big things in the long run. Feel your feelings and let them go as you can, this day shall pass and a brighter one will come. Sending you love and support on your journey!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Hulliebee, I do understand your sadness and when I felt the same way my sponsor helped me by making a list for me.

I have seen your assets and admire you greatly.

You are a successful, intelligent, knowledgeable teacher. You are a beautiful professional woman with a great smile and are compassionate,and courageous. These are just a few of your assets and I hope you read them daily.

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

Hullibee, I'm adding to HR's list of assets for you. Because you are a teacher, let's add understanding, flexible, determined, patient, encouraging and giving.

((Hullibee))

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

And to add - you are also courageous because you are unwilling to tolerate unacceptable behavior from yourself or from him. Please remember that you didn't cause his betrayal, you can't control it and you can't cure it. He made that choice on his own and its on him. Don't let the disease blame you or shame you for his marital infidelity. He is an adult with a disease that untreated will continue to lead to poor judgment and poor behavior on his part. That's all on him and not you. You have stayed true to your own values under pressure. That's a character asset, too.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 2nd of October 2014 10:59:58 AM

Hullibee · Senior Member

Thank you so much for the help with asset list. I surely don't think of myself like this Hotrod and Cloudyskies.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

You are a good protector of your family.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Im sorry. Its a horrible disease with many destructive behaviours including cheating. Anything to occupy and distract a sick mind. Im glad your setting a boundary for yourself, your ot accepting unacceptable behaviour, its good food for your self esteem and self trust. Nothing lasts forever and hkw you feel right now will pass, thats a guarantee.x

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Yeah. I have also seen you as a strong person with lots to give. If you didn't see yourself as having value you would not have this reaction of his behavior being so unacceptable.

Hullibee · Senior Member

Thank you Pinkchip, Elcee, and Kenny. I am trying to value myself but it is hard.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

((Hullibee)) I'm so sorry you have this but I'm glad that you're taking steps to value yourself. Sending prayers.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sorry....you are a strong, committed, compassionate, loving woman. You are not alone...prayers, Ellen.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I know you hurt so badly Loss is a horrible thing. Also betrayal is so so hurtful

You are very strong to have made this decision. I know it is not easy at all.

Maybe what you do is not wait to see what he does, but take some time to rest then decide what you want to do with your life.

He has chosen to break up the marriage, so he can figure his own life out.

I took naps a lot, took care of my primary needs even if it was to just be able to sip water. I could not eat,went down three or four sizes. I am happy now though....so went up a couple lol

For me it took lots of tenderness for myself to get thru it. You will I promise. it will seem so dang slow, but it is like that. Do what you have to do, then do what you want.

Hon I was so scared I would not appreciate or be able tofeel anything again. I didn't care about much of anything. Thought i would never garden again or paint a room. Just felt like cardboard.

You are losing your dreams, hopes too not just him. Give yourself lots of love. hugs,debilyn

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

Hullibee,

I am so sorry. I think that has to be the worst. Because it's so personal. You can get to the point, I really do believe, where you can not take most things personally. I can''t imagine my being able to do that, but most everyone else seems to get there sooner or later. But that has to cut to the core.

We here can love you until you can love yourself more.

It really isn't about you--it's about him and his disease. And we can see that when it happens to somebody else--it isn't her fault, it's no reflection on her. He's out of his mind or he wouldn't even make those sounds. All of those understandings you can have in somebody else's situation, maybe you can apply it to yourself.

You are brave. You'll get to know yourself better now. And you'll like you.

Hugs,
Temple

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Letting go of "dreams" with him that are now a nightmare in reality paves the way for new dreams to develop. But it is like Debilyn stated. That is the grieving process. This too shall pass.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

(((H))) I do hope you'll be able to get some rest tonight. You've had a very real shock. It is about him and it also affects you on every level. We can't make the pain go away for you but we can be present to you and we can care.

jm · Member

(((((((((Hullibee))))))))))

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

I have recently had to enforce a boundary for my own self respect and love which has developed thanks to al anon.

However that does not mean that the pain and sadness did not hit when my fiancé left two months ago when I asked him to leave.

All I can say is it is painful and very sad but I have felt my feelings I was sad anyway in the relationship. But I have grabbed onto the programme and things are getting better.

the bad days are getting less and less and lots of positive have come from my decision.

I have started the steps with my sponsor again, extra meetings, closer to hp and myself.

my friends are coming tonight for a girly sleep over my attitude is starting to change from negative to positive.

I am sure this is happening for a reason you just need to trust hp I bet something amazing is going to transpire.

hugs tracy xxxx

Hullibee · Senior Member

Thank you everyone. I actually made it through the night alone. It sounds funny because hes been staying out all night any way but this time it was because I told him to.

it is hard at work today but I am pushing through the sadness. One minute at a time To One Day at a Time.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Read this post often to remind yourself of all the goodnes within.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

You made it through last night alone. You will make it through another, too. Love that you see it is certainly progress for us One Day at a Time.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm sorry. I understand. My first husband cheated on me. My current AH is not in a program. I moved out in March. Dreams are shattered. We have to go through the grieving process. It's hard. Especially with kids involved. I hope you have some peace with him out of the house. You will be ok. One night alone with peaceful sleep is better than worrying all night. That's been my experience anyway.

Hullibee · Senior Member

Yes Newgirl having kids makes it much more difficult. Even though my kids are adults they are still very affected by his behavior. My daughter is so upset she won't even talk to him right now. She says she's DONE.

I did have a somewhat restful sleep. I still woke up when he wasn't next to me in the bed. Hopefully tonight will be better. I'm making it through today by the skin of my nails. I have another hour to go before I can go home and relax for the weekend. Maybe I can take my mind off the other woman.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

That sounds so good, Hullibee. Taking your mind off the other woman who you don't know and maybe putting it on one you do? The one I see who could use some up close and personal attention is a woman who has given of herself all week in a classroom and experienced something really heavy this week. HALT might be an Al-Anon suggestion that would be helpful to you? Don't get too hungry, too angry, too lonely, too tired is a program suggestion that helps me remember to take care of myself when I'm going through hard times.

Jill · ~*Service Worker*~

I hope you made it that last hour to your weekend. I'm thinking of you during this difficulty. Please treat yourself as if you were your best girlfriend undergoing bad stress.

Yes I remember wondering about the other woman. Even at my nuttiest (it was pretty nutty), I somehow knew she was getting no bargain. I did not want to be her. I wanted better than someone who wouldn't come clean (him). Maybe yours deserves this one. With my ex, I figured they can have each other.

Be the comfort you need now. Reach out. Let us know how you're doing. Take care.

aquamom23 · Senior Member

((((((((hullibee)))))))) many years ago,I wrote a letter like yours.it felt like the hardest thing I had ever done,to stand up for me. Dear hullibee,you have a great arsenal of experience in taking care of the human condition.you have raised a family and been a loving wife,over above and beyond the call of duty. Be proud of that,for no one and no thing can take that away. I had a blood sister carry on an affair behind my back and the one piece of wisdom which helped me then,that I offer you now is this,on the nature of affairs in betrayal:don't you concern yourself about them darling,remember:what's built on s**,crumbles in it too." Thinking of you hon. And cheering in your corner.

-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 4th of October 2014 08:10:55 AM

Hullibee · Senior Member

Thank you Jill and Aquamom I truly need reminded that I can do this. I know she's out there somewhere and although I want to confront her I have to remember that he's the one that started this not me and maybe not even her.

Im sick over this.

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