Catherine My first 4th through 10 step uncovered the enjoyment that I experienced in sarcasm and scorn in my relations with others. Actually seeing the destructiveness of this practice and accepting the ODA T's definition that sarcasm means "tearing the flesh ", I asked HP to remove these defects.

I cannot recount when that happened however today, these are not my go to responses and instead my go to constructive responses are based on compassion, courtesy, respect and honesty. I guess now that I have learned to keep the focus on myself and say what I mean mean what I say without saying it mean these defects are no longer necessary. I must admit that they fly above my head without having built a nest in my hair. Thankfully they are not embedded but I must be aware that I can always choose to pull them back in a moments notice.

These tools are still very alive and well in my FOO. We used them as an acceptable way of expressing ourselves when we disagreed with someone's opinion or position. It is also way of one upmanship and feeling superior to others. Today I do not go tit for tat with my family, but calmly and courteously validate my opinions, by being honest and straightforward and then detaching and not pursuing the conversation.

I know I am powerless over people places and things and that learning how to interact with others, that I care about ,who have some unresolved quirks, helps me to keep the relationship without making myself invisible.

I am reminded of the old saying"Don't throw the baby out with the bath water". I  must say that I believe that accepting  each person for who they are helps me to detach.  As the  AA Big Book states, if I  am in conflict with anyone I need to look to myself and work on Acceptance. Life on Life's terms  

As I understand it, your concern is how to deal with or protect yourself against someone who uses these weapons in conversation?

I've had this problem too.  When it's a person I interact with one on one, it's straightforward to see less of them.  The trouble comes when they're part of a group I see.  Then distancing myself would mean giving up the whole group.  Too much of that and I might never see anyone. 

My wise old therapist once advised me that when addressed directly by someone like this, I could say, in a calm, non-blaming tone, "What point are you making exactly?"  Like they say, "Yeah, like you would know what to do if that ever happened?"  And I would say mildly, "What point are you making exactly?"  I'm sure this wouldn't work every time but when I've tried it it often just brings the nasty person to a halt.  It's funny how they will hint at things sarcastically but they often won't come out and say it: "I think your skills are deficient in handlng this scenario."

Once when someone said, "Can't you take a joke?" to me, she suggested I say, "Well, some days I do better than others."

Not saying these would be right for you, but they were ways I had never thought of reacting.  Sometimes that makes it bearable when I choose a situation where I have to be around someone toxic for a while.  Sometimes I just pretend I'm writing a novel and I take note of all their little sayings and think how objectionable that person will look in the novel...

Hi, deacon:  Thanks for your response.  I understand selective hearing.  Your share made me think how I especially enjoy it in people with hearing aids who turn their aids off or pull them out of their ears and drop them into their pockets just as folks sit down to communicate with each other and later complain that they can't hear a thing or don't understand why nobody "told them" blah-blah-blah.    Or those who know they can't hear and refuse to get hearing aids because they "don't need one.  I hear perfectly well."  I caught myself several years ago trailing up a flight of stairs with a group of men behind me talking about things that needed to be done in my workplace and feeling impatient when we reached the second floor and not a one of them had heard much of what I'd painstakingly said at all.  One of them grinned at me when I asked "Didn't you hear anything I said?"  "No," said he.  Then, I saw it.  How in the world could I expect a group of men clumping up wooden stairs to hear me when my faced was turned away from them the whole time I was talking.  I realized I had been doing that for years as had my Mom and her Mom and probably her Mom before her.  So, though I giggle when people pull out their hearing aids and complain, I've also recognized how I - in some cases - have contributed to my not being heard.  We can certainly be a funny bunch of humans, can't we?  Thanks for the memories that made me smile. I needed them today.  (((D)))

And I want to add that it is difficult, in most situations outside of al anon, to be an empowered woman.  The sarcasm, silencing, shunning and scorn has been experienced by me via men and women who are uncomfortable with me and uncomfortable with themselves.  I just keep trying to live from "To Thine Own Self Be True".  Is it easy?  No, it is not but I do it anyway to the best of my ability.  Catherine, I see you as an empowered woman and that will make many squirm...I also know you have a huge heart, so those that are squirming are darn lucky you are kind.

This subject is so painful to me, I can hardly write about it. And so I thank you for writing about it, G2B.

My daughter, the 3 to 5 days I see her a year, will throw a little dig or two at me. (She thinks I am mean to her Daddy.) And she's had three  meltdowns in my presence the last 3 years (only one of them "caused" by me) and her daughter, who "knows just what to say/do to get me over it" knows that one of the ways is to say something disparaging about me to her mother. Yes. I think I'm getting that I'm not going to accept this anymore. I liked what Matty said--and your point is?

And silencing is something new in the mix here the last year or so. The rules: he can rant and rave and say trhe most outrageous things, but if I say there's a new crack in the ceiling, which there is--new roof too heavy? What do I know and I'm the one who gets to deal with stuff like that. I am told to just quit talking about it. And I'm dumb enough to wade in with, in essence How Dare YOU?

Which as you all know, is terrifically helpful.

Thanks for posting this Grateful. I wasn't going to reply because shamefully I have done all of these to my AH. For such a long time I was queen of the four Ss. These were a few of the tools I used to punish my AH. After all that was my job (<<<sarcasm added ) I am so thankful I'm learning a new way to live.

Before I retired, I experienced sarcasm many times in my work place. I would walk away from the person who felt the need to be sarcastic. I remember telling one person that I didn't do well around negative attitudes. That person laughed like she had no idea what I was talking about. I don't think this person was an A, but she did have issues.

Thanks for sharing this.   Dragging out a box and stuffing the four Ss in, slamming the lid shut and taping it tight. brushing hands together  That should do it!!

It works if you work it!

I learned a question from my sponsor years ago which still works so very well in my life today regardless of what it is that I am faced with.  "So what do you want to do about this"?  It is one of the many "inventory" questions I have and get to use on a continuous basis.   After all the solution to the question is about me and my peace of mind and serenity and that sponsor empowered me to decide, make choices and follow thru without negative attitudes or feelings or spiritual balance.  Once when I was going thru something a bit similar to what you have described here he asked me "so words can hurt you" using a bit of the "sticks and stones" chant to mentor me.  I admitted "yes" at that time until I just let words be words and have no power over me unless "I" decided they would.  I did a "sarcasm" understanding today with another person  who works where I do.  I told him that I often like to listen to some of the banter between co-workers there and the sarcasm it seems that they often use.  I mentioned that often it would seem to be just sarcasm until I include the personalities and positions of responsibilities of the people involved and when I do that often the statements take on an air of truth about who is saying what and not to who they are saying it.  The sarcasms become "I" statements and also express emotions such as fear and anger and resentment and anxiety and more.  The responses become an opportunity for empathy and compassion  rather than additional rejections. They also become opportunities for self reflection..."where am I at, what is going on and how do I want it to be"?    Great subject and responses G2B.  Mahalo.

(((hugs))) 

Great original post G2B, and great topic of conversation. Such gold, in all the replies too.

My family of origin does this, and having removed myself from them a few decades ago I have been able to find mostly straight-up people who don't engage in sarcasm and digs as a protective shield for their fragile egos. So it hits me like a truck whenever I go back to visit family again. I was not able to deflect most of it last time and felt like I needed to take a week-long shower after I got home again, to wash it all off of me. So I guess for me, the way I handle being around it, is to be around it less, and only have limited contact with people who do this in every conversation. I guess I don't put much stock in how long I have known someone, if they say unnecessarily inflammatory things. I can do without!

That's probably not a good way to model 'how to keep a relationship in tact', but it's all I can do right now.