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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Rant. Should really stop the habit of helping/rescuing people.
Post Info TOPIC: Rant. Should really stop the habit of helping/rescuing people.
Luiza


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Rant. Should really stop the habit of helping/rescuing people.
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So I have this neighbour who used to be my client. She is a bit helpless and I am used to help her a lot with pretty much every aspect of her life, however she is seldom "there" for me, lets me down a lot...that is fine. She is a lovely person and I like her a lot, I know she is disorganised and all over the place, so I try to help as much as I can when she asks.

 

So now we are doing business again and she (her daughter) is my client again on Sundays...I am already charging half of what I was supposed to and doing this big favour of looking after her daughter for 8 hours on Sunday for half price. She would never get anyone to work for her on Sunday, never mind paying so little. We discussed it many times before starting and she assured me everything was ok, she can pay me weekly ( and I am registered which means she gets money from the GOV to pay me) and it would be a temporary contract as she is looking for a new job. Fine.

 

First Sunday, I worked, she hasn't paid me. I have already asked twice. She still hasn't. Next Sunday is approaching...I am becoming unhappy.

Not so much annoyed with the lack of payment, I know she will eventually pay, but I am annoyed with her attitude. She knows she could have come to me and explained the situation if she had no money, she could be honest. She is fobbing me off, asked for my bank account twice, promised to transfer the payment and nothing. I know she will come on Sunday all apologetic, telling me 100.000 BS excuses and use her child to manipulate me. BTW she is not looking for a new job anymore, at least not until next year. So she hooked me to work for her a few Sundays whilst she gets a new job but now she staying at her job God knows until when. To make matters worse, the support money I get from the GOV is calculated from my income. My income with the Sunday job is listed so the GOV is paying me less but the Sunday job income is not coming in.

The other person that looks after her child during the week is also getting pissed off with her and considering to end the arrangement. This other person is the most sweet generous person you could ever meet, so for her to be annoyed, is a very big thing.

I just don't know what to do at all. If I end the contract she will probably lose her job. If I carry on like this I will become more and more unhappy with myself as I feel I have been taken for a ride. I don't mind helping, helping makes me happy. I hate be treated like a mug.

I need to ask my HP for guidance and to put the right words in my mouth to talk to her. Tried twice already and hasn't worked.



-- Edited by Luiza on Wednesday 1st of October 2014 05:20:38 AM

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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
grateful2be


~*Service Worker*~

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Sometimes, I've been in situations where I know what I want to do and don't always do it because I'm not sure I can deal with the aftermath of my decision. When I become aware of an issue, accept its reality and how I am thinking and feeling about it, consider my options and pay attention to the one that brings me the most inner peace (that place within me below my feelings and emotions) and act on it, leaving the outcome in my HP's hands, I am better able to do the same thing with whatever the outcome might be.  Although I am powerless over other people, I am able to take good care of myself in any situation. 



-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 1st of October 2014 06:17:08 AM

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig
PP


~*Service Worker*~

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You mentioned if you carry on like this you will become more and more unhappy.  When I am in these situations I ask myself what is the payoff for me to sacrifice my happiness and is it worth it?  When I am unhappy it affects my relationships with me and the people I love the most.  It sounds to me as though she is manipulating you and taking advantage of your gracious heart.  



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Paula
Luiza


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I am just getting a little nervous about money. The school where I have my other job also messed up with my salary last month and this means I had no payiment from them and hopefully will have 2 lots of payiments on the 15th. I need to go into the business office and make sure they fixed whatever mistake in the payiment system and make sure they are counting my hours properly since they verbally changed my contract but on the papers I signed I am working less hours than I am actually required to do. Chaos everywhere, out of my control. STBX is off work and spending the day creating mess. I just want to sort my home from top to bottom but with him here is impossible. I don't even have a bedroom anymore.

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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
PP


~*Service Worker*~

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Times like these I quote a card I made a few years ago that said "God came in and messed up my hair".  I also see a phoenix rising from the ashes...it will all turn out ok, Luiza.  Listen to your HP and take baby steps one day at a time.  I know this is hard and unsettling and I don't mean to minimize or diminish your experience.  You have a lot of love in you and in your life and that is what matters most.



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Paula
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

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Ok here comes to thine own self be true.

I am in something kinda similar. the people I rent land to have messed with me over rent, three times now. I am on a strict budget.

I went down a hundred a mo. for them too.

anyway I am considering evicting. Mainly becuz the stress makes me sick.I am disabled digestive wise for one thing. and in  a  lot of pain, I just cannot handle the stress of it. I am giving myself some time to rethink what I am going to do.

I want to say, when someone blows it, I don't care how nice they are, they have made their own choice to accept the consequences  It's not up to you to save anyone. Its hard these days to take care of our own lives.

Of course we want to give a little, but its not cool to be taken advantage of. We are worth more than that.

Do what  you have to do for you. You are your own best friend, treat yourself as such.

hugs honey!!



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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Luiza


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So I decided to message her again. I explained to her AGAIN that due my current situation I need to plan my income very carefully and I just need to know what is going on so I can plan my life accordingly. Is she having trouble with money? Is she waiting for the GOV to pay her? Has she even remembered to apply to the GOV scheme? Will she prefer to pay monthly instead of weekly? She than apologised and transfered the money straight away. Apparently she was too busy doing other things that she forgot to spare 5 minutes to make an online transfer. I know her for 3 years now and always been like this. I accept it as a friend but as a professional trying to boost my income I have to be tough. Then my other client break the news that she is now entering a new scheme and this will mess up with my payments as well. I will need to make some adjustments to the way I invoice her and will probably have to earn monthly instead of weekly. This will be a big change for me but would be fine in the past when I had loads of savings and wasn't separating. It is the worst time now for this to happen but there is nothing I can do. And now STBX finally realised he can't get a bank loan and he can't afford a place of his dreams in a perfect location. I decided to help and found him a big room in a shared house in an ok location, contacted the person in charge, arranged a viewing. Printed off the map, wrote down the details on a paper and gave it to A on a silver platter. Just for him to complain I didn't zooom the map close enough, I didn't write the info in a legible enough manner and I can't answer the questions that just the person renting the room could possibily know. It was helpful to me saying in my head 'whatever crazy jerk, I just need you out of my way asap'. I know I am not supposed to mother him but he is really slow and not the sharpest tool in the box tbh, and I just need him out. Anyway, keeping my gratitude list in my head I am now waking up to a brand new day. Please HP put me where you want me to be.

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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
Breakingfree


~*Service Worker*~

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I had such a hard time not wanting to help everyone, When I found al-anon and found out I needed to rescue myself it was so hard to relearn how to stop doing so many things I have always done and to listen to my red flags I had always just plowed through, because people needed me. I was so focused on everyone else and all their needs and found myself so messy and distracted from my own health inside and out. I started with small goals and now a few years later am heading towards some huge dreams I had long ago wrote off. Sending you love and support on your journey!

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

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" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Rant. Should really stop the habit of helping/rescuing people.