The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am unsure why this bothers me and I know to take what I like and leave the rest. I am trying to go back and read and catch up, I am seeing lots of advice giving and shoulding on people. I am pretty sure I have learned a lot in my years of al-anon and a big lesson was if I had it all figured out I wouldn't be here in the first place. I am in a humble place and realize that I can only make my own decisions and share my ESH with people in hopes it can help them. I do not however expect them to follow in my foot steps, because my life is my own and other people have to figure out what works for them in their own way. It may be to stay or to leave their situation, it is for them to decide. If abuse or extreme dysfunction is going on, hopefully in time their awareness will see it and they will out grow that situation and I let them know I am here for them, give them safe options that I know of and that I care about them. We are here to be a loving support system and hopefully good role models of how the al-anon program works. Sometimes a lesson that none of us are perfect even in recovery and being a messy human isn't always perfect, but this program is about progress not perfection. Things happen in hp's timing not yours or mine and it is not for us to judge. The slogans have always gotten me through tough situations and I love sharing them. I however have a hard time with anyone here or in my face to face meeting telling someone how to live their life or question them about things that have nothing to do with them. We all need to feel heard and of value and I hope we can all respect each other on our individual journey's and keep this a supportive loving place. I naturally rebel against controlling people and this is my issue to deal with, I just wanted to bring this up as it hit my awareness lately. Sending you all love and support on your journey's!
I am adding all of my slogans and favorite al-anon things here to carry them on!Please add on anything you found helpful!
SLOGANS
I went from paralysis of analysis to an attitude of gratitude.
"Place me where you want me and tell me what to do".
You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it and you can't Control it.
Let Go and Let God
Don't
S-save M-mother O-obsess O-own T-take abuse H-HP (be his or let him be your tin God) E-expect R-react
One Day at a Time
Easy Does It
He/She will either drink, or he/she won't.... what are YOU gonna do?
Try looking at your active A with a large SSS stamped on their forehead
Focus on the "whats", not the "whys" - the whys will kill ya...
Honesty got you there, tolerance keeps you there
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. Dr. Suess
You don't have to attend every argument you're invited to.
God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Think,Don't React
How Important Is It?
When In Doubt Don't
No Is A Complete Sentence, Feel Good About Saying No
Listen And Learn
Fake It Till You Make It
Insanity "Doing the same things over and over again expecting different results".
"If I keep doing what I've always done I'll keep getting what I've always gotten."
"If it ain't broke...don't fix it".
G.O.D. - Good Orderly Direction
Listen and Learn...take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth. You have TWO ears and ONE mouth for a reason - use the ears twice as often as you use the mouth.
When you're confused about what you should do and where you should be, stand very still for a while and look down at your feet...that will tell you where you are at; next look directly above you and ask, "Where do you want me?" then listen with both of your ears.
The alcoholic is a sick person because they drink too much, what is my excuse. (enablers question).
what you think of me is none of my business
There is only one thing you need to change about yourself in Al-Anon... E V E R Y T H I N G.
Steps One thru Three condensed. "I can't - God can - I'll let Him"
The twelve steps condensed. Trust God - Clean House - Help Others.
When at first you don't succeed...call your sponsor.
Next time you're feeling smart and think you know the solution to the alcoholic's problem...Say out loud "I think you should..." and then listen quietly. Most often you can hear God laugh.
"Recovery isn't winning, it's not playing."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
I refrain from practicing the 4 M's found in our literature which are:
Mothering
Manipulating
Managing
Matyrdom
I have a full life today that is worth living. I remain grounded in my recovery and keep the focus on me leaving the results up to my HP.
I also like "An expectation is a future resentment"
If you're not a fortune teller...stay out of the future.
Having a resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
Often times the answer to a prayer is No or Wait.
There is only one God...I'm not it and neither are you.
Most naturally what you get from carrying too much weight is a hernia.
Many people will not choose recovery because of the fear or the pain of surgery.
My experience has been that when I am unwilling to ask for help, and I insist that I can do it all myself, I'm just a drunk talking to a crazy person.
I thought I was so cool. Then my sponsor pointed out that the definition of "cool" is "not so hot."
None of us came here on a winning streak
"If you do not know where you are going, then any road will take you there."
"Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open"
If I can't be a good example then I will just have to serve as a horrible warning
Take the mess to your sponsor, the message to the meeting
Don't speak unless you can improve on silence
It is only a short jump from humility to senility
"I may only have one recovery in me. "
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once
If it weren't for self-pity, I wouldn't get any
AA has a wrench that fits every nut that walks in the door
I'd rather have a frontal lobotomy than a bottle in front of me.
He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over. I thought God would open up the "gates of heaven" and let me in. He didn't. He opened up the "gates of hell" and let me out.
No more taking the blame for someone else's drinking! Be gentle with yourself Don't worry about whether he's really an alcoholic Don't pour out the booze Learn to relax Don't be afraid of losing him because you're changing Stop arguing with him (it works!) Do one thing every day just for yourself Use tough love Don't ride with him when he's drunk Confront him! Walk away from abuse Accept yourself Don't believe "Drunk Is Fun!" Tell your families? Only if you want to! Mean what you say and say what you mean Deal with his/her arrogance! Don't change your address! Hide the car keys? You have the right to get sick too! Learn about blackouts Try to remember it's a disease Let the crises happen No more lying to his boss! Start to get help---- Even though he's the alcoholic Stay with him or leave him "Just for today" Break out of your isolation Stop asking permission! Act as if you love you Put him in the back of your mind Don't feel guilty when you're mad! Forget his bad mouth Don't say you're changing-----just do it Stop telling him how to get sober (don't talk to brick walls, either) Don't get scared when he threatens to drink Wipe out saying, "you've been drinking again!" Don't expect him to be sober Stop checking the bars Don't beg him to stay Don't be scared that he will leave if he gets well Getting Help Sex and alcoholism
I have now reached a place on my journey where I will no longer tolerate unacceptable behavior.
I keep this surrender prayer when I need guidance, take what you like... God, today is Your day. may I be who You would have me be. may I do what You would have me do. may I go where You would have me go. and say what You would have me say. May Your Will be done in all things.
I also like "An expectation is a future resentment"
Having a resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
Often times the answer to a prayer is No or Wait.
Most naturally what you get from carrying too much weight is a hernia.
Many people will not choose recovery because of the fear or the pain of surgery.
It is only a short jump from humility to senility
The Awakening~~
A time comes in your life when you finally get it... when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening. You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change... or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that neither of you is Prince Charming or Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you... and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are ... and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself... and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself... and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties.... and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the junk you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, what you should do for a living, how much money you should make, what you should drive, how and where you should live, who you should marry, the importance of having and raising children, and what you owe your parents, family, and friends. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with ... and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. And you learn that alone does not mean lonely. You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK.... and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things you want... and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise. You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve... and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone...and that it's OK to risk asking for help. You learn the only thing you must truly fear is the greatest robber baron of all: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.
And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state -- the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility. Finally, with courage in your heart and God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.
-- Edited by Breakingfree on Tuesday 30th of September 2014 06:42:23 PM
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thanks for sharing BF, and I agree, in all this insanity, each of us has to figure out what works for us. I enjoyed reading your list of slogans and Al-Anon things.
It works if you work it.
__________________
Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
BF Thank You for taking the time to share your concerns . The alanon principles that you suggest and have listed in such detail are the true backbone of the program.
You are correct, alanon believes that the answers for each person life lies within and that giving advise is detrimental to their recovery. The best we can do is offer support and an alanon tool that they can use and trust the process's.
O.DAT says it well: "To give advise to another is to intrude to give advise to yourself is to grow.
Thanks for your views, BF. Since you are addressing the entire board with your rant, I will respond to you publicly. Although I don't remember ever giving you advice or "should" ing on you, I'm open to hearing about it via a pm if I have done that. I'd be happy to hear you out on it and make an amends if appropriate. Since we're on the topic, I'm open to hearing about anything via a pm that anyone has experienced as my giving them advice or insisting they do what I have done or suggest. I'm all for talking things over and reasoning things out person to person which is also part of our program.
I do want to say that what we do in Al-Anon may be different when it comes to a person being abused or their children being abused based on that person's share. As a person who was abused and my life threatened on multiple occasions, I would have welcomed at least one person being there and naming what they saw and where I could go for help. Figuring it out on my own led to 8 years of abuse and two kids being brought into that situation without a soul there to assist me. It wasn't until others saw bruises on the backs of my arms and were there in support of me following my divorce that led to me no longer being on my own with a very sick person to handle on my own - which I wasn't or the abuse wouldn't have continued beyond the divorce. Although I know that an abused person is in a very precarious position when it comes to leaving an abusive spouse and that only they can decide the safest time to do that because only they are living with the person, I also know that I was in denial as to how dangerous my x was or could be until I had been divorced several years and attended counseling for victims of domestic assault. It would have been better for me if somebody knew the danger I was in and said it without leaving me to my own devices. I truly did not know it and it is a wonder I made it out of that circumstance alive. That is my experience and that is the conclusion I have drawn based on my experience. Al-Anon did not help me get out of that abusive situation. The love of 3 people who saw what was happening to me and stood by me and enlisted the aid of my family who I was attempting to protect was what helped me through that time. And the woman who first saw the bruises was a very controlling or seemed to be very controlling person who told her brother-in-law who was by boyfriend at the time and her husband. I felt intimidated by her and she was the lone person who saw what was true that shame, my misguided sense of responsibility, and my lack of experience with an abusive mate was doing to me and interfered in such a way that my life was saved. He would have killed me. I have no doubt about that. I might not have liked feeling intimidated by her and she cared enough about me to help me when I needed her most.
I appreciate "Awakening." I haven't seen that before tonight.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 30th of September 2014 09:24:20 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 1st of October 2014 01:02:53 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 1st of October 2014 01:19:26 PM
I, too, am open to having a pm addressing this issue. If amends are in order from my side of the street, I will gladly offer them I am a work in progress as far as not giving advice.....I white knuckle this one sometimes, yep I do!
I struggle with co dependency and I can become a little resentful and controlling when I want to help people and they do not listen to the all knowing TRACY.
I have done work on this and it has lessened. Recovery brought this to light I am a work in progress. I although I was coming from a good place a lot of the time I also got a lot of pay offs from it I can see now and sometimes wanted my own way.
Can I also say that the end of your post the awakening is one of the most beautiful things I have read it was like it was describing my journey parts of it I have got others I am in the process of acquiring. It gave me so much hope.
Im not sure about your rant, seems to be a bit of shoulding In itself but I do like the rest of your post, lots of great wisdom there, thanks for sharing that.
SHOULD you get a sponsor? SHOULD you work the steps? SHOULD you go to meetings?
Is telling people these things SHOULDing?
Any time we share an alanon tool, even if we just say how it worked for us, there is an implication that the other person "should" try it.
I like the idea of not providing unsolicited advice and "shoulds" the best. Even when people ask directly for advice...I will share what I generally would do if it were me, what has worked for me, what didn't work maybe....and I try not to be super bossy or judgmental.
I do know that part of recovery is needing to tame down our egos and learn to listen and take suggestions. We didn't get all in a quandary from doing things OUR way. Hence, for me...I needed some caring recovery folks to help me learn what I should do in life via the steps and their own ESH. Also, my judgment was horrible, so it aided me to rely some on the judgment of others (not in a condemning way but a helpful way). It's tricky to decipher which is which and when a person is open and will benefit from specific types of feedback.
If we never commented or offered any solution here, Alanon would only be a "venting" place. Obviously some "venting" is cool but the 12 steps are not about venting. They are about change. If nothing changes, nothing changes. That saying alone implies some things "SHOULD" change.
Everyone needs to feel welcome yes - but people also need solution and tools for change.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 1st of October 2014 12:36:07 PM
BF: thank you so much for putting all those slogans and sayings together like that! I need to go back and read the second half, there was just so much to take in and I am going to print it for future use! You are awesome!!
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I agree with all that was written above and please do not take this personally, if I had something to hold one person accountable for on this board I would do it and have personally pmed with many of you regarding things that needed to be talked out further. I have done plenty of shoulding on people especially early on in program. I have said maybe a meeting, working the steps and finding a sponsor could help you, to lots of people and will continue to do so. I don't think it is a perfect science and it does have a lot of gray area, I just fear for the ones that were once like me and didn't have their own voice and I needed other people to tell me what to do. Maybe it was merely a rant for me, because I can be so indecisive after years of relying on others to advice give for me. I am seriously unsure, I just know it is always a concern in al-anon and want everyone to find their own voice and their own answers to break free from their own dysfunctions. I did not mean to dishonor anyone on MIP, you all are like family to me. I just always want to advocate for the weakness within myself that it took lots of love and support from my sponsor and fellow al-anoners to not advice and enable me to make major life decisions for me and to bud into the me I am now so proud to be. Sorry I came off so harshly! Please forgive me, I know we all come here in love to support one another in growth towards a healthier better way of life. Sending you all love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
(((BF))) Since I didn't get a pm from you, I am glad I haven't attempted to exercise my "need to rescue" in your life. I did feel as if bb's of criticism were showering down from above in your post - especially when we haven't heard from you for awhile - but I was also open to hearing the truth if I had personally stepped on your boundaries. It also gave me an opportunity to invite others to speak for themselves with me if I had acted on my need to rescue again and it was hurtful to them. Like you, I am in process and I am grateful for people who do speak their minds because it tells me they care and I know that you do.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 2nd of October 2014 08:21:00 AM
BF I appreciated your posting simply because we have many new people on the board who do not understand the Al-Anon principle of not giving advice. Finding the middle ground is often difficult and I know that I have given advice at times. Progress not perfection
Al-Anon's philosophy is based on the understanding of the disease of alcoholism and how it manifests in those who live with the disease. We have been so accustomed to making our needs invisible , helping others find solutions and not focusing on ourselves that it becomes normal for us. Coming into Al-Anon we are given different tools and suggestions. The most important of them is that we do not give advice except to suggest an Al-Anon tool. By doing this, we allow the other person the gift of finding their own way and we do not lose ourselves in the process. Another important tool is to keep an open mind and not take anything personally even if it hasn't my name on it.
Thank you for your post and the wonderful reminders BF. Like others that have posted, and since all the participants are addressed, I would appreciate your offering if I have been guilty of "shoulding" you or anyone else. I know I don't like to be judged and would not want to inflict judgement on others. It would be an opportunity for my growth in the program. In cases of abuse, I do suggest a safety plan with a lot of backup plans as dealing with physical and emotional abuse is often an educative process against a potential expedited life-threatening harm or death. I have considered it an offer of support that may be needed; I realize that, at the end of the day, everyone makes their own choices. Thank you for taking the time to care.
I am a work in progress as far as not giving advice.....I white knuckle this one sometimes, yep I do!