Tools to cope with verbal abuse - Al-Anon Family Group

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Tools to cope with verbal abuse

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

First, stop beating yourself up. Second, having expectations that he will treat you any differently is setting yourself up for what you are experiencing right now. I am not sure I would allow my children to be around him, but I don't know of your circumstances. I would not allow him to be in my home, either, but this is just me. You are being used and taken advantage of, but again, I don't know of your circumstances. I hope you get to a meeting asap and do some loving things for you.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

He also said "you don't let me in your apartment, why should I let you in this house?"
Last night I didn't sleep well. I miss my older daughters a lot...the went back to college Sunday. I think eventually I will have to move back to my hometown closer to my family. But my work commute would be longer and daughter likes to see her dad. I need to hand all of this crap over to HP and let it go. It's so hard to do that.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

PP I am having second thoughts about letting our daughter see him. I have other child care options. He has never come inside my apartment...he has only been at the front door. Yes, I moved out, but its still my house. I called my sponsor and she didn't answer. There's a meeting today hut it's also at the same time I take martial arts. I have to decide soon which one to go to.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I read that you are responding fine for the most part. I love that you were assertive and called the police yourself. What needs work is all the self-deprecation, unmerited guilt, and shame that you are thrusting upon yourself afterwards.

You are letting his insane behavior stick with you and rent space in your head. The tools I would use would be to let it go faster. Give him, his behavior, and his craziness to your HP and LET IT GO and move on towards the good things. Don't hand him your serenity on a platter.

You stated "this is unacceptable." You have a plan for how to respond and avoid situations like this. The missing part is how you let it go in your thoughts and not let it dominate your thoughts and feelings.

Personally speaking, I might be inclined to not leave my child with him after he's gone off on a tirade like that. It just shows he's not mentally stable enough to watch her and spend time with her at that point. You could calmly state you do not want your daughter learning verbal abuse, cursing, and tantruming from her father and will come back when he is acting rationally.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

As far as the "You don't let me in your apartment so why should I let you in the house?" You know that is just so irrational for so many reasons. I would respond "That is an irrational argument and one that I'm not having. Bye." OR...I would ignore it completely with a giant "WHATEVER." You can't argue with crazy.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

I was about to suggest you call the police and ask them about letting you into your own house. I'm glad you did that! After that happened I wouldn't have even told him, nor would I ask for an apology. It just doesn't mean anything when he does. Doesn't matter if daughter sees an apology that isn't heartfelt. And keep that information from the police in your backpocket for later.

Kenny

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Until you have no connection to him this is going to happen. When we walk right into the insanity, it is like we are accepting their invitation to be part of it.

I would be making arrangements for when he is not there, and getting everything you want and need out of that house so you have NO reason to go back.

To continue this going there is your disease in action.

I agree with Pinkchip, I would never allow a child to be left alone with someone that sick, no way. When we do, it is the same as saying his behavior is alright with you, or you would never leave her there.She is a child, children need us to be adults and protect them.

If he talks like that to you in front of her, of course he does to her when u are not there.

The tools are do not get involved in their insanity. When we separate/divorce the best thing to do is be done in every way. no contact at all.

If you are allowing it to be foreclosed on, then you might as well walk away. You may want to find out if you are liable still for the arrears on the place also.

Of course you are confused and not making wise decisions, when one continues to engage in insanity it makes them sicker.

I am so sad this mess is happening. I know you are a very kind person and sensitive! Even more reason to stop the insanity and take care of you and kiddo's.

He is not just sick hon, he is insane! hugs hugs!! PLEASE tell yourself how good you are, how you are doing your best to protect your kids. If you have no reason to engage with him you will feel so much better. I would be making that happen. hugs!

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

I would dispute your first sentence. AH is upset because he is an alcoholic. He's just using the birthday party to beat you up. He only cares about himself at this point.
You've gotten good ESH. Give yourself a lot of love, from all of us.

Temple

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks everyone. So maybe I shouldn't have left my daughter with him. Won't beat myself up over that either..it's done now. I can't argue with crazy,that's for sure PC. I just talked to my sponsor and she helped me a lot. She also said what you said PC: just ignore what he says and let it go. I need to get a tougher skin..."Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Something to think about. I cannot continue to let him rent space in my head...you are right.

Debilyn, the house is HUGE. It will take me a long time to get everything I need out, so I get things a little at a time in multiple trips. I can't afford to have someone move things out for me. It will get done eventually. For now I will just make different arrangements to get stuff.

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

I think having a police escort, for your safety, when you want to get items from "your" house is probably necessary now. So sorry you are going through all of this.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Jen. I will do that if necessary. It's sad that it has come to this...but it shouldn't surprise me.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

It might go easier for you when you've been able to make a decision as to what you're going to do and how you're going to do it? I've discovered that salt can't get rubbed easily into any wounds of mine when I am a woman on a mission. I know you fear paying spousal support and don't want to lose the house or at least any equity you've put into the house. Maybe looking at what you do really want to do and doing it will help? Thus far, you have wanted to be in a holding pattern while you decide what to do which in itself is a decision but from the outside and based on what you've shared here, NLG, remaining in a holding pattern is hurting you? When it becomes necessary to start calling the police or when someone is threatening to call the police, the situation has begun to go outside the bounds of our control and can bring in some ugliness we'd prefer not to deal with and can avoid by making a new decision based on the facts we have and moving ahead with what we can change.

I also find myself questioning whether your being out of the house is in some way giving up your rights to it in some way legally? My wonderings could be based on old information when living in other states but the fact that he is beginning to see the property as his and you as trespassing does make me wonder. I also doubt that the courts would award your daughter to anyone but you, especially given the reality that you are employed and he isn't. He doesn't even have the money to hire an attorney to fight you on custody. He would have to pay child support and I really can't see the courts ordering you to pay spousal support when you have full custody of a 7 year old and two daughters in college just because he got fired from his job and doesn't have one now. If I were the judge, I would definitely see a problem with a younger man with no job for months. If as the judge I knew that the house was a gift from the woman's father that was deeded to her and she added her husband later, I might also award the house totally to her if it was within my legal scope to do so.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 30th of September 2014 02:13:26 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 30th of September 2014 03:33:17 PM

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Temple wrote:
I would dispute your first sentence. AH is upset because he is an alcoholic. He's just using the birthday party to beat you up. He only cares about himself at this point.
You've gotten good ESH. Give yourself a lot of love, from all of us.

Temple

Thanks Temple. You have helped me so much.

Luiza · Senior Member

Just don't pay any attention to what comes out of his mouth, as someone here says it is verbal vomiting, or something like that.
How about you practice saying (in your head) "whatever crazy jerk" (ha ha ha learn't it here the other day and I need to practice it too) and carry on doing whatever you have to do, engaging only when it is strictly necessary? If he behaves in such a way that warrants you call the police on him, then you do it (I am a bit of an expert calling the police on my qualifier apparently).
One thing I have noticed with my qualifier is it when he manages to dent my serenity, even a tiny bit, he smirks and feels really pleased with himself. When I keep calm and carry on as though he has no effect on me whatsoever, he keeps his head down and looks defeated. It is about you making them feel you have power and control over yourself (even if you are having to fake it).
(((hugs)))

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Luiza. :)

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Stay detached, validate yourself ,your choices and walk away

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