The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been married to my AH husband for almost 20 years. I have known for a long time that it will not work...I can't fix him. And he doesn't want to fix himself. Of course the problem that is killing me is "How do I leave this man I love so much?". I have been protecting him. And all that seems to have accomplished for him is extending the torture for him of getting to his "bottom". I know it is right that I get out of the picture. My head tells me that I have to do this. The rub is my emotions are not willing to let go of him without fighting for him. I have been through this cycle over and over. I need an exit plan. And I need to turn off the emotion switch and just do it. Please someone tell me how? I have the window of opportunity right now. He took advantage of my going out of town to help my daughter for a week. He took my car and drove 2 1/2 hours to a city for the sole intentions of "partying" - his word...,not mine. He took my new car which is off limits to him, and totaled it....he is still in ICU with lots of chest injuries. My head is saying "NOW! Do it now....don't let him come back! It is MY house - my mother left it to me 8 years ago. Tell him now that I am done. Let him find something to do with himself when he leaves the hospital." My heart is telling me I am being a selfish creep that would abandon him in this next hour of his needs. That he needs me to help him through this one last crisis. But we all know where that will take me - around the loop once again.....
You said you don't want to leave without "fighting for him."
1. Sounds like you done that already.
2. If you "fight" FOR him, how will he EVER learn or even try to fight for himself?
Now would be the time to use your leverage to get him into longer term treatment and then a halfway house for a while. That could mean him living apart from you for about a year. And (while I'm sure he will bitch and moan and not see it this way), that will give HIM the chance to fight for himself and the marriage.
These are your boundaries, but were it me and things had gotten his bad and life threatening....I might say "there is no going home this time." "Go to rehab/treatment as long as insurance will allow then to halfway and we well assess the marriage when you've been sober a year."
This is just a suggestion okay? - you have to find the words that make it right for you and I do not know all of your situation.
Thanks Pink - great advice....in fact i just got an email from his sis that they are now detoxing him at the hospital. He has no insurance - he is 62 and not yet eligible for medicare till he is 66. But this is a good idea to see if perhaps there is a financial program out there that could help him with that. I am very afraid to even try to help him find something of that nature. I know I am only enabling him every time I do something to help. But I am hoping I can keep my stuff together well enuf to stay out of it. At this point I know the right thing for me to do is not to do anything for him.Your suggestion has opened my eyes to some great solutions...I thank you so much for that. I will pass that on to his sis.
Dear Kris welcome to MIP. Alcoholism is a destructive, progressive, fatal disease that affects all that it comes in contact with. It is called a Family Disease for a reason. I support Mark's suggestions 100% and while and if he is in treatment, you can then search out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend.
Here you will receive the support you need in order to find the right path for you, rebuild your self awareness, and learn new constructive tools to live by.
Keep coming back here as well.
There is hope
Oftentimes, when it's this serious - he may qualify for state run rehab (our county run). He may also qualify for Virginia Department of Aging services at 62 even if he doesn't qualify for medicare yet. That office might help you find him proper treatment without insurance. Also the hospital social workers might steer him in the right direction if you talk to them and let them know there is no option for him to come back to you given his pattern of addiction. They have people that work in the hospitals that specialize in discharge planning and placements like this.
Thanks Betty - great advice. The problem for me is there are NO live meetings in my rural area. The closest is an hour and a half away. I can see myself going on occasion, but on social secutity only as my income (I am retired) I can't afford the gas...that is if i can figure out how to get another car. I will certainly keep coming back here. I am amazed at how much better I feel already after only 3 meetings. Thanks again.
Welcome. I understand how difficult it is to see somebody in a hospital bed with serious injuries that you have been married to for a long time and to be entertaining the idea of telling them they have no home to come back to at the same time. It seems so counterintuitive. I'd like to suggest that the person who is also down with injuries that may not be as visible as his is the person watching him. We get so focused on the A, that we lose sight of ourselves. We can have compassion for the A and it is imperative that we also develop compassion for ourselves. If you allow him to come home after this recent accident, what will you do? Sit home and try to stop him from drinking again or feel the wrath of the disease coming at you because its everybody's fault - and especially yours - that he can't drive, is probably facing charges for drunk driving, is sore from the injuries and just can't seem to be supported in the way the disease deems necessary? The disease will use this opportunity to fight every treatment plan and every healthy person that enters into its life now because it can sense it is at a crossroads and it doesn't want to die. If it can convince you that the best way to handle this is to bring the "poor fella home," it wins - AGAIN. Are you up to another go around with the disease in your home? Or are you ready to do something new and something different in relationship to this baffling, cunning and powerful disease? Are you ready to take care of you and let others take care of your husband in ways that he needs and won't like to begin with? It will still be up to him what he chooses to do, but with the entrance to your home barred, he might see that the only door open to him is the door into recovery.
I support you and I support all that has been suggested by the posters above. Its your time now to take care of you without worry as to what else the disease is going to do to destroy your peace and wellbeing in your home and with your property. Al-Anon meetings and MIP will be very supportive of you and help you attend to your own wounds from living with this disease for so long. Keep coming back.
So very well said, grateful. I do not want to lose to this disease one more time. I cannot do it anymore. It is killing me. I am passing the care to anyone else that will take it. I haven't been to see him yet. I am out of town and return Thursday morn.(helping myy daughter and i can't leave till then) - i don't know if I want to see him. I wish there were a magic button to push to make it alll disappear...but als - this is not the case - I guess the best thing for me to do at this point is to notify the hospital that he does not have a place with me to return to. It seems so cold.
Kris The on line metings here are great and I am so happy you can attend these. I have a friend who is a Hopsital social worker and part of her JOB is discharge planning. She also determines if a patient is eligible for Medicaid, or charity care. I would try to speak to the hospital social worker as when I did this with my son,indicated that he could not return, they searched out alternatives for him. Good luck!!
It sounds to me as if you've felt like you were in a prison? You've served your time and now you are discovering the keys to letting yourself out and maybe he will, too, if you step away and let others and his HP step in? Good for you in calling the hospital.
Kris, I told my AH to leave after he was in the hospital on Valentines Day for drinking too much...again. He left for about a week, then I moved out. What helped me move out was listening to my brain, not just my heart. I fought for many years to get him to stop drinking, nothing worked. I was in Al Anon for almost a year when I moved out. I had a sponsor too. I still ask my sponsor for help. I read books from al anon and other codependency books. I used to think my AH couldn't help himself. But I learned that he can help himself when he wants to. He had to take a taxi to hospital once when I refused to take him. It was drinking related again. Trust in your higher power...that's what helped me. I know I am not alone on this journey. You will be ok if you don't stay with him...it just takes a lot of work to work on yourself instead of trying to fix him.
Hi grateful - yes indeed it was like being a prisoner in my own bed - for the last few month i have just stayed in bed - very seldom getting up or going outside of my house. But that is all stopped - I did tell them at the hospital that I am not letting him return to my house. I do not want him. Then I called his family one by one and suggested they do the same. I don't know what they will but right now I can't think about it. I only need to be fixing me - thanks so much for the shot of courage, grateful. I know i am on the right track. If I can keep control over my guilty, angry, scared, lonely self that is screaming at me inside to help him - I have the ear plugs in. I just refuse to go back now. I think this was a window of opportunity set in front of me by my HP. and this time i listened. Ty again (((())))
Hi new life girl. Your description are mirror perfect to my experiences. You have more time under your belt - but this time I will get there and not look back. I am so happy that my hp sent me to this fine place called Miracles In Progress. I so needed you all. I only hope I can help others go through it as I learn to put my life back together. Thanks so much ((()))
I do hope you will find the support and help you need in the Al-Anon program. It will be invaluable to you as you chart a new course for your life. My best to you and my prayers, too.
Kris- I know the feelings you describe so very well. What worked for me was to set clear boundaries (ie: you may not come back to the house, or you may not come back until you complete treatment etc). The boundaries are whatever YOU need to be healthy. Second part is holding firm on the boundaries. In the beginning my AH tested and pushed and fought the boundaries. Once he realized that I meant business, it became easier. He accepted them a little more and it gave me the peace to work my program. It sounds like you are doing great work. I have found the online meetings to be quite helpful. I hope you do too. Hang in there and keep coming back!!!
i can only share my experience strength and hope. My partner slipped 2 months ago after 2 years sober and broke a boundary I had set he stayed out all night. He has been unfaithful in the past while PARTYING. When he rang it was so hard but I have been in al anon long enough to know I had to stick to my boundary as I had put it there to protect myself. He has been drinking for 2 months now is in with bad crowd gone back to how he was it's like he never got sober at all picked up where left off. I do not want to see the next rock bottom. So what have I had to do? I have been going to lots of meetings, I got a sponsor started the steps. I have felt the grief it's like he has died. Yes it is hard but hp is guiding me I know this is happening for a reason and I will be ok I have al anon. I have reconnected with friends I am getting the focus on my life. Something I learned every time I ask how he is I hurt again. I have no contact and at moment can not speak about him I totally need to focus on me. I am broken by this disease but al anon is putting me back together. Yes they are sick but it's not selfish to protect and care for you, your life matters too. I pray for my partner every day. I am taking care of his son but I need some time for me. My inner voice hp whatever you believe was shouting at me for years and I kept ignoring it cause it was not saying what I wanted to hear. Now I am listening and following it and trusting as doing it my way was not working. If you decide now is the time just do one day at a time but please get a support network as it is hard. 20 years is a long time I have been with mine ten you need lots of love support hugs tracy xxxxxx
Great advice, Tossed - it is wonderful to have this support when things are so raw. The boundaries part is certainly my next biggest challenge. The family is already trying to get me to loosen them. But I have been hurt so badly for so long....I am holding on for dear life with my boundaries and am not going to budge. I know I am drawing so much strength from this program and all of you who have had the same challenges and obstacles. It is my job to grow from all of this support. And that is truly what I intend to do. Thanks so much for sharing - I am so grateful.
Hi Tracy. Thanks so much for sharing. I have broken my own boundaries with him in the past...kept letting him come back after saying no more. I really do think this is the end of my doing that thanks to the support of people like you that are showing me there truly is light at the end of the tunnel. It was too easy to just give in during a moment of my own weakness. The outcome only got worse each time I gave in to him. Those moments of weakness in me are the things I need to guard myself from. Because you have all been making me understand better, I believe I will do it right this time. I can't go back to it again. It will be the death of me. And I so want to be alive again. Each day I am finding I have a little more bounce in my step. Thank you!
You speak truth when you say it will be the death of you. Parts of you have already died and parts are on life support. The good news is new life will emerge through al anon. You are a person who feels and expresses gratitude and I believe you will do great once you begin integrating the 12 steps into your life. You are not alone.
