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Boundaries was a topic at this mornings MIP meeting. Boy am I glad. I am really needing it this evening. My ex-husband and my daughter's father, and his father (the alcoholic and perpetrator of sex abuse to his son) are currently on the way to my house. I have told both of them that they are NOT welcome here. They both have been on supervised visitation with my daughter up till she turned 16 last summer, and received her drivers license and became able to supposedly "take care of herself" on this matter.
Fast forward to tonight and their meeting with my 17 year old daughter. She was going to meet them at Wal Mart and they were going to print off some of her pictures, but she forgot her piece of paper that gave her permission to have this professional photographers pictures printed out. So she is now on her way here to get it with them following her. I told her in no uncertain terms that they are NOT welcome at this house, and they are NOT allowed to do anymore than have you come in and get this paper and then go back out and hand it to them.
It is beyond me first of all that my ex wants anything to do with his family. They are all in denial that the alcoholic still has issues today. He is not currently drinking, but he is not in AA or any other recovery program so you CAN NOT tell me that he is OK!! Everyone is walking around in this little fantasy bubble that he is ok. My ex-husband (not alcoholic) has a sex addiction problem too, that lapsed into child porn when we went through our divorce, this is why he was originally put on supervised visitation. He has not been "caught" doing anything, other than some emails that "leaked" back through from his computer to mine via a broken firewall. (long story) He admitted his indiscretion and agreed to the 'supervised visitation' but on the divorce decree it is listed as a mental health disorder.
Why will this never go away? Why can't I be "ok" with this like my daughter is? I will never be ok. I will forever be haunted by what this has done to my family. This just set me back months in my recovery. I need a meeting.
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
I have missed you so so so much overcome .. I'm so sorry you are dealing with all this garbage. It is so hard when a child's safety is at risk. I am with you on needing a meeting .. I love the fact I know now "NO" is a complete sentence and I don't have to repeat myself or justify my feelings regarding the situation. Hugs .. glad you are here ..
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Unfortunately NO is not a complete sentence to these people they will (and have) waltz right in unannounced if you let them. I kinda went off on my daughter and had to reiterate that they are NOT welcome here. I have HUGE issues with these people. I know she will be 18 soon and I have to loosen my grip of control on her. She will soon be able to make her own decisions, and I have been trying to let her do that. She does know all about these peoples indiscretions, and still she wants to be around them; just like her dad. I just don't understand.
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
Your daughter isn't able to see it or to feel it as you do because she isn't your son's Mother. I don't see it as disloyalty on her part as much as I see that she, like any daughter, wants a relationship to her Dad. Children can often forgive in their parents what other adults cannot forgive and this doesn't mean the act is forgive-able. She's a child herself even if she is 17. Of course, you can't be okay with it as she seems to be. Your her Mom and your son's Mom. You have life experience she doesn't have and knowledge she doesn't have. The rest of them - well, who knows where they are coming from on this.
My sibs were okay with wanting to move my disabled father back from my brother's house into my Dad's two story house to live alone with multiple stroke residuals and out of control diabetes. They were angry with me because I wouldn't agree to help them do that. They weren't going to see it like I could see it and I certainly couldn't see it as they did. Each of us were entitled to our own opinion and we were so far apart in our thinking that the rift between us got wider. In the end, because I stood firm on my "no," they changed their minds - probably in part because they weren't sure if I'd call the Adult Services Department and didn't want to chance it. My Dad was then able to spend the next two years alive and well in an Assisted Living Facility where he was very happy and got the care that he needed.
Even though the others seem okay with things, you have done what you needed to do to take care of both your son and your daughter when reality hit. That took strength and courage - even if the rest of the family don't appear to be in support of your view.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 29th of September 2014 08:16:07 PM
Grateful2B... it is not my son (I don't have a son) that was abused by the alcoholic, but my ex-husband, my 17 year old daughter's dad. He is 50 and the alcoholic grandfather (sexual pervert) is 71. The grandfather claims to be "ok" from his sexual addiction and incest. He says he was 'saved' by Jesus and that's all the counseling he needs. I don't agree. This is basically what ended the marriage between my husband and I. My husband thought he was ok, too (even though counselors told him otherwise) and I didn't think his dad was ok. My ex also has a child porn addiction, which makes him a threat to my daughter when she was younger. I have been told my counselors that both my ex and his dad are attracted to pre-pubescent males and females, and can't maintain a normal relationship with a woman. I think that's why the counselors thought my daughter would be ok to be unsupervised now at 17, there is not as big a threat. Also, it was becoming increasingly difficult for me to take her to the visitations as my mom has Alzheimer's and I was having to drag her along too, she can not be left alone. The supervision was done at a local Hope House, but mom and I were stuck for two hours in a town with nothing to do, once every two weeks. It was not a fun time.
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
Thanks for the clarification. So, it was your husband who was molested by his grandfather. And you had supervised visits put in place for your daughter? Then, kudos on the supervised visits for your daughter. You certainly have had a lot on your plate for a long while. My Dad had stroke induced Alzheimers/dementia (depending on which professional you talked to) and I can certainly empathize with the strain on you caring for her, too. (((O)))
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 29th of September 2014 08:39:58 PM
Thanks Grateful, yes Alzheimer's is a horrible disease. My mother's mother had it too. It was actually my husband's alcoholic father who molested him. My daughter's grandfather. To my knowledge she has not suffered any abuse, due to my having them on supervised visitation.
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
Overcome thats like double the issues the alcoholic presented me with. Im sorry your going through this. Im not sure how I would handle this or what the right thing is at all. I couldnt possibly offer you advice or suggestions based on experience or knowledge of this. I think for me I would act through fear, this scares me and I would imagine myself ban all contact, fleeing the country with my children. Im scared of child sexual abuse. You sound like you are handling this the best way possible with a calm, rational view of it. I think putting your foot down with a 16yr old would cause more contact, your daughter rebelling against you. It realky sounds to me you are doing the best you can. I hope you have got a support network to help you through this.
Overcome - I see lots of wisdom and strength in your post.
I do not see how this set your recovery back months because you still have boundaries you do not like broken. Sounds to me like your recovery is still going strong.
As long as she does not allow them in YOUR house....The issue is standing by and allowing your daughter some freedom to make her own decisions knowing she could get hurt by these sick people. It seems that if she would have them in your house, she will have them in her house when she gets her own home. THAT is the worry I suppose? So it's letting go perhaps? That is something challenging for all parents of a 17 year old, even without these complicated issues. You have educated your daughter on the reasons for supervision? She knows about the molestation from grandfather and the child porn w/ dad? My only concern is she needs to know this now as a young adult so as to not let them around friends who have little siblings and then over the next decade when she is the one who has kids (your future grandkids). Also, that like alcoholism, pedophilia is not something that gets cured...
Yes, pinkchip my daughter knows about her grandfather's molestation of her father and her father's child porn issues. She has known about them from a very early age. When they did the "Good touch/bad touch" talk at school her dad and I explained to her that her grandfather had issues with this, and did not follow proper boundaries. We have had counseling all though this ordeal and continue to do so. She was just slowly told more and more as she got old enough to handle it. Now she knows almost everything that there is to know, including her dad's indiscretions, and why he has that weakness. Just today she and I went to my counselor, the first time I've been able to get her to go to one since she was 5, and it just happened to be the same one. This lady has been with me "through it all" and is very good. I felt like today was a step in the right direction. Thank you for all your comments, and yes pedophilia is not something that gets "cured".
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
