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Got a phone call from jail last night from my husband asking to get him. He was asking me to go get him and he was acting mad at me. I actually went there with a baby at 1am (didn't want to do it the next say and miss job). But the officer told me that his bond amount wasn't released and I couldn't take him yet, so I had to go back home and now need to take so e time off work. I even asked him yesterday if can leave and how much we have to pay, he said now and it is free. I first didn't want to go with a child at night and so he called me back and said come in the morning and added "very bad, start working on divorce papers".
I feel really bad now and not because of the divorse. I am ok with separating, I just hate going there and listening to his nonsense, paying money, seeing no remorse on his part.. I know it is one day at a time, so I am really trying to calm down and asking God to help me. It is just sooo hard.
So sorry that this has happened. If he has threatened you with divorce, and seems to have no remorse, I would have to ask myself why I am taking off work to get him out? Normally, if someone really needs something from you they will call and ask nice if they can get that favor. Not this guy apparently.
My wife was in jail for 10 days on her 2nd DUI. It was a horrible experience, but one of the good things was that she detoxed while she was in there, with medical treatment available.
Al Anon has taught me that I have choices. One of them would be to NOT bail out an alcoholic if it was something I thought was in the best interest of my family.
I hope you can get the right guidance from ESH and HP. This is a tough spot, I know, I will definitely be praying for you.
When my son was arrested, I didn't bail him out. He'd been bailed out often by others in ways that helped his disease progress. Your husband's being arrested may be a good thing for him? The disease is extremely self-centered and plays on every heartstring we have. Al-Anon helps us recognize these ways and teaches us new ways to respond to it. Our loved one may not get it and they may keep on drinking but we begin to get it and we don't keep on playing into it.
Hugs verna, I'm so sorry you are going through this. My mistake in dealing with my STBAX's DUI was I took it very personal .. it wasn't just his dui it was mine too. Please take care of you. Do not jeopardize your job for his DUI you have enough to deal with .. that's advice I know .. program talk .. take care of you and yOur child first. I will say this DO NOT listen to any of the crazy talk. The yarn mine spun about the DUI was unreal. Went as far as telling his mother he was pulled over in the middle of the day and the police cruiser sits so high the police could actually see into it and he was given a ticket for pills lol! The worst part .. his mom is ill and has issues with drinking as well .. she believed him. I won't get into the story I heard lol. When the real police story came out .. He never had a instance of remorse .. it was everyone else's fault. I mean he was completely stuck on the fact the police officer wrote down he drove an automatic abd his truck is a standard abd gave that to his atty as a reason as to why the dui wasn't valid. It was really sad to watch. Keep your distance and realize how sick he is and maybe not bailing him out is an option. Big hugs .. My STBAX knows now not to call me with alcohol related issues. I am no longer his enabler.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
When my AH got his DUI, I was lucky because they didn't hold him. He texted me asking me to come get him but didn't tell me why or exactly where he was. I knew he had been drinking and I pretty much assumed it was a DUI so I told him to take a cab. And, so he did.
My AH knows now to NOT call me if it's alcohol related. I will not rescue him anymore because it truly messes with my serenity and with my function. He made his choices and I'm not responsible. I know this sounds cold but once you've been through it all: the DUI, the remorse and suicide threats(this only lasted as long as his hangover), then the anger, then the jail time, then the home detention and ankle monitoring, and then 2 years of the interlock breathalyzer on our car coupled with his continued drinking and blame, etc......I washed my hands of his issues and his problems. Not to mention the $13000 it cost total when all was said and done.
I am sorry you are struggling and going through this. I mean no ill will towards your husband, I was just sharing what I had to learn through my own experience with the DUI. I pray that he finds a path to recovery and that you stay on your path, as well. HUGS!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I bailed my son the first time.....never again I said so when it happened again I didn't bail him out. If he had the money he could have done it all on his own with the Bail Bonds numbers plastered next to the phones. My son will take care of everything himself from now on as if I'm not around anymore.
I feel for you because I know the hurt you are feeling.
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I thank you so much for all the support, experience and encouragement! I did bail him out, waited for him to get out and took him to pick up the car. No problems at work so far. I didn't say anything about the situation, we didn't argue and didn't discuss it, only basic staff like what is next step, traffic durections etc
He said nothing like thank you or sorry , absolutely nothing. I myself feel really calm now and glad I didn't create an argument. I am puzzled of what should I do, I feel like I want to voice a few things and I will. Like there will be more bail out from me etc. but the way it went, is just so cold, not even friends would act like that, we are just like strangers. I now want a separation, because I do t think he will stop drinking even after DUI, it went easy seems like. But I am so new to alanon and it looks like I need to hold all the big desisions for niw. So I am just living it day by day. Again thank you so much for all the attention to my situation!!
One thing we learn in al anon is to allow consequences to happen. You chose to bail him out...you might want to examine that. One time my AH called me to take him to the hospital because he drank too much and needed help. My sponsor helped me decide to let him figure it out on his own. He managed to take a taxi to the hospital. Alcoholics act helpless, but they usually aren't. It isn't your responsibility to help him.
Thank you again for all the shares, which REALY helped yesterday! I told my husband that it was first and last bail out, if he is drinking and driving to not count on me.
I look back and all day yesterday I was asking God to be with me, I had like an imaginary transparent cloud following me everywhere, just asking him (God) to keep me calm and help me. And everything went great for me, I felt good all day. I told my husband what I thought about all this without being mad or insulting him, I had some tears, but it was quick sincere conversation. He said sorry on his own and I was honest with him too. I just feel REALY good now that I didn't do anything stupid, like yelling, being mad, mistreating him or ignoring kids etc... I wouldn't be able to go thru yesterday without alanon tools and support
Thank you!!!
Being mad would be normal. Alanon is not here to erase normal emotional responses to things. It's here to not ACT all crazy in response to those feelings. I would be mad if my husband got a DUI. That is reasonable.
I agree with Mark. In fact, it wasn't until Al Anon that I ever gave myself permission to feel *anything* I'm still working on that. And then the what to do with those feelings that you let yourself feel - well, meetings and sponsors are pretty good for that.
Kenny
-- Edited by KennyFenderjazz on Tuesday 30th of September 2014 12:25:48 PM
I think for me that was the bigger issue .. I stuffed what I thought was irrational feelings instead of looking at and going on ... it IS absolutely OK to be angry about a Sig Other getting a DUI or legal issues that is a very healthy response. I had to look at how I handled the anger did I address it appropriately or did I stuff it .. I stuffed so much it actually seeped out of my pours.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I don't know if I was mad at him or not, and right now I am not mad either. I would say I was in a way happy that finally he is facing the consequences. Because he is usually drinking alone in the room and not doing any harm to anybody, so he is in a more denial that his drinking is bad for him and it affects our family. There were a few times in a past when he drove and not wasn't stopped, so it "wasn't a problem" fir him. I don't feel mad at him right, I understand that he is doing what alcogolics do. But I am glad he has to deal with it now, hire a lawer, go to court, call every week for bond etc. I am out if it right now and I feel good about it. I felt mad yesterday that I had to go there and waste my time, and so I told him that, but I am glad I didn't do something stupid, that I wasnt yelling and screaming, threatening to him or overreacting with kids. I just felt calm in the inside. Maybe I am still not seeing some things which I should be, and please tell me that, I surely want to learn. But comparing my reactions now to 1 year ago, I feel like there is a progress. I am not a obsessed over him right now, I can sleep at night, I don't rush home to give him a speach when he messes up, etc. I am trying to "let it go and let God"
I dunno. Serenity is a blessing. Don't make yourself mad if you don't feel it. Just don't expect that the DUI will make him sober either. If that is the reason you feel "good" just watch out for expectations. Otherwise, it sounds like you did great and really relied on your hp to guide you. Kudos Venera. Infinitely better than losing your mind and flipping out. Good for you!!!
