Need thoughts desperately about my house choices - Al-Anon Family Group

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Need thoughts desperately about my house choices

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

I think something to really consider objectively is what is best for you and your family? I would encourage you to make a list of pros and cons and work from there. I don't have experience in this .. it sounds like checking your motives and why yOu want to stay.

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

I would do whatever I could to disentangle from him the easiest way possible.

I would let the house go into foreclosure. I would take care of me. When the house goes into foreclosure getting him out of it will be somebody else's problem.

You seem to be making it on your own; I'd continue to do that. And get my sails out of his wind.

Credit can be reestablished over time. If you stay in the house, in more contracts with him--or rather, you have the obligation and he has the veto power--you will be at the mercy of his disease for the foreseeable future or forever, whichever comes last, it looks like to me.

Bless you,
Temple

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Foreclosure. Move forward. He will only move out when legally forced. My husband declared bankruptcy and 2 of his rental properties went into foreclosure after the market tanked in like 2006 or so. It was chapter 11 I think. His credit is already back to 741. I personally don't care that much about credit. I would be content to rent if I had to and I will buy and drive used cars I can buy outright if needed. It's not worth ripping your serenity over.

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

I forgot to say:

I have not been in your place. And I am not telling you "Do what I would do." I know you will decide for yourself.

I am saying, based on the information I have read about your situation, and picking up on the amount of distress it is causing you, that is what I would do if I were in that situation and feeling that anxious and having zero power over what your husband will or won't do. I wouldn't want to spend more years wondering every month if he were going to do X.

And you know to take what you like and disregard the rest.

(But I really do believe in my answer.)

Hugs!

Luiza · Senior Member

I wouldn't want an A having power over me and also having to pay for the privilege.

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with everybody - foreclosure.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree foreclosure is the way that I see as your path to freedom.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Your credit is already in the tank with 5 months behind in mortgage. Even if you brought the payments back up to speed, you'd still have the blip on your record. If you take out a loan, then you have two lienholders to deal with and you still have the same financial problem and him living in the house while you finance your apartment. I don't see a gain in getting help and bailouts seldom help in the long run. He isn't going to make any changes until he's forced to make them because he's comfortable. His disease will just argue with you and anything you want to do. It can't argue with the sheriff's department moving it and him out.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

I just have to say I love you all. Seriously. You have helped me so much in a very difficult time of life for me. My dad helped me buy the house 20 years ago. He had rental property and didn't like the idea of renting. He died 9 years ago yesterday...and I know in my heart he would not want me living with AH any longer. And he would be ok with me renting in order to keep my sanity.

PC: I agree about the credit score. It will go back up eventually. I am paying a car loan, hopefully that will help. I already have a few credit cards in collections, but I am paying small payments on them. I cannot let a credit score define who I am.

My other plan would be to get AH really drunk and have him sign a paper that would take his name off the deed. Ha ha ha. Then I could sell it and make some money. I guess money isn't everything. :(

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Luiza wrote:
I wouldn't want an A having power over me and also having to pay for the privilege.

Good point Luiza

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Good points grateful! I have some very wise friends on here. Thank you

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

And you also have to fix it up, so in the end - would you really be money ahead? Even if you did carry out your fantasy - and I know you're kidding - he would simply trash the house some more.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

I would actually make money on it as is. I think my problem is I am always trying to do the right thing and be a "good girl". I even get mad at myself sometimes for always trying to be good. I guess good people dont always get what they want.
I think my dad told me don't ever put AH name on the house. I was talking divorce early in the marriage. Oh well hindsight is 20/20 isn't it?

Thanks everyone for listening to me ruminate and whine.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

grateful2be wrote:
And you also have to fix it up, so in the end - would you really be money ahead? Even if you did carry out your fantasy - and I know you're kidding - he would simply trash the house some more.

Hmmmm....how do you know for sure I am kidding? Lol. I guess if I did that, getting him drunk to sign the paper, he could always sue me later on and say I forced him to do it. That would give me more problems.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, it would, NLG. That is a very wise point you are making. He could say he was not in his right mind when he signed it and the litigation could go on for years.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

I am convinced the house is possessed anyway. Seriously. The neighbor told me before I moved in, the previous owner was an A and all he did was sit around and tell people how to work on the house. It is still a fixer upper to this day.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

So, it sounds like you are leaning in the direction of that song from Frozen? "Let it go???"

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

We made the decision to file chapter 13 due to some rental properties we had after someone asked me if I would sever a foot with gangrene to save my life. You seem to have much diseased stuff around your house that is draining your life force. My credit score was not worth my life force.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

And do you know what some banks refer to people with little debt and credit cards that are paid up monthly? Deadbeats. It behooves lenders for us to be in debt. Cash basis living to the degree we can do it saves us money and stress in the long run. Even if some lenders don't like it because we haven't joined or no longer belong to their club.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks PP

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

grateful2be wrote:
So, it sounds like you are leaning in the direction of that song from Frozen? "Let it go???"

Leaning in that direction...yes

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

I really have to think about issues for a long time before making a decision, as you can tell. I have to look at things at different angles, etc. it's exhausting. It's like getting the audience's vote on "Who wants to be a millionaire". Everyone I have talked to about this says first, try to sell it, then if he doesn't agree...let it go. Nobody tells me to do the home program. So, I would lose big time if I don't listen to the majority vote.. on here and in person with my friends and family.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

What does your inner voice say, NLG? If you notice a "that's it" on the inner responding to that which you hear or read on the outer - great. But, what is most important in my experience is the wisdom that lies within me. When I listen and trust I will hear what I need to hear, I do. It doesn't always make sense to me and I do it anyway. I've never gone wrong listening within myself. The whole world can give you input and you can think about something until you go to your grave, but, there is wisdom within you that knows the way you are intended to walk. Listen and you will hear it.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 28th of September 2014 06:55:27 PM

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I neglected to add that before any decisions were made, we had free consults with 3 attorneys so we knew what all of our options were. We worked through our emotions and I believe, made the best decision for us.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Have you contacted the mortgage company and talked to loss mitigation? I don't know why you don't just refi, get your money, and then just let it go. that way you would have your equity out of it. Or get a line of credit on the equity. Is the equity enough to catch up the loan and give you some of it?

Just becuz it is foreclosed on does not mean he ill leave or anyone will make him leave. There are sooo many people realizing they don't have to leave just becuz it is foreclosed on>look at all the empty houses. NO one forced them to leave I have been here since 09 not paying a cent due to illegal foreclosure.

It costs a lot to get people out, so the companies don't bother.

I would not bail him out. no way. but I would do my best to get my equity out of it. Talk to the mortgage company about loss mitigation and refi!!!

I also agree who needs the drama. I didn't put A on my loan or title. thank goodness. But he made a huge mess for me anyway with my bank account. Not to mention the rest. I wish he had never had that brain surgery....they took his heart out...

All you need is so get yourself in deeper, worrying for three years. We cannot depend on an A,Even if they are on program with their disease they can tank in a split second. Not their fault, its the truth.

I know you are tired. I wonder too what makes you say the reconcile word?????

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Debilyn...I have talked to mortgage company a lot. They will NOT refinance because we are so behind on payments. They won't let owners cash out when they are behind like we are. There are 2 homes very close to my house that were foreclosed and the owners had to leave. They left and one house was sold and the other one was rented out. It must depend on where you live.
Thanks for your ideas...I have exhausted the possibilities. I can't get money out of the house unless he agrees to sell it.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Debilyn: what defines illegal foreclosure?

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